A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a complicated problem. I have been married for 3years now.. I have three kids and my husband has three kids. Two of his kids are grown and out of the house . Well when ever it comes to his kids he tells me he makes all the decisions himself and I don't have a say but when it comes to mine if I don't consult him first then I hear about it over and over.. I don't work outside the home but I work plenty at home taking care of four kids and a big house and pool all the responsibilites of the house and the outside of the house are mine. I am constantly degraded because I don't make any money at my job so I should just shut up and do what I am told.. As long as I go along with everything he wants things are great and I mean great but as soon as I have a differing opinion things get really bad.. I am told I am a do nothing I make no money and I am basically made to feel guilty.. I don't know what to do anymore . He knew exactly what he was getting when he married me.. I am just so tired of it getting thrown back into my face.. I do everything for this man.. And I mean everything,What am I to do???
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (20 July 2011):
Your husband has set up a relationshp where he has all of the power and control. You are being controlled and manipulated, emotionally and financially. He will never change things for the better on his own, because he has things just the way he likes them. If you try to change them, he will resist, which is normal. Sometimes that resistance takes the form of physical abuse but not always. The good news is, there are steps you can take to move from being in this powerless position, to being in a happy and powerful position, and changing your relationship to one which is actually better for both of you.
To do this, you will need to start to educate yourself on how the dynamics of these kinds of relationships work, and also learn about yourself to find out the reasons you find yourself in this situation, which is quite common.
The husband will always resist to change which is normal, but in some cases after resisting they also learn to change and can adapt to a new, better, healthier relationship, as you grow into a more powerful position. In some cases, the relationship will not survive with you in a more powerful position, which is an indication that you should not continue with the relationship, but you will know the right thing to do when the time comes, and it depends on how your relationship can adapt.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 July 2011):
 First of all, this little petty tyrant needs to have the riot act read out to him. However, first things first. You need to realize that you *do* have an equal voice in the finances and decision making of the household. Legally, you are also an officer of the family business, meaning the financial books.
You have a job. If you weren't in the picture, who would take care of his kids? Childcare is astronomical, and you do so much more than that. You are the manager of the house. You keep the kids clothed, fed, appointments, the house is in order, you keep things managed and run for him as well. That is a very high premium job...one that he better start appreciating, or you'll get appreciable value in court in the form of alimony and child support if he doesn't change his ways.
He doesn't respect that you will stand up to him, and he thinks that you don't have the guts to stand up for yourself. He has you where he wants you because deep down, you are afraid that being a homemaker makes you second class. Well, if you weren't in the picture, who would fill your position, and even more importantly, how much would it cost him?
As far as his kids from his previous marriage his concerned, two of them are out of the home. However, financial decisions of a major scale ARE to be discussed and dual approved by you. If it's a matter of buying his kid an outfit, big deal. However, if it's paying for college, co-signing or buying a car or a house, you have every right to speak up, since it's also your name and your credit rating on the line. The assets are community assets. If you weren't in the picture, he couldn't accomplish what he does in life in regards to money. Think that's not true? What if you went out and got a job and the household no longer had you there to manage it in the capacity you are now?
If he pulls the "you don't do anything or make money" crap, invoice him for the work you do. How much is child care, housecleaning, personal chef, taxi/chauffer service worth nowadays? If he pulls the "room and board" crap, invoice him for live-in nanny services and watch his eyes pop right out of his head.
If things get really ugly, you are *not* trapped. He does *not* carry all the cards. He needs to learn that marriage isn't just about him acquiring a maid and a sexual partner he can kick around like a servant. Stand your ground and don't flinch when he makes noises about your dependency on him. I hope you didn't sign a pre-nuptual agreement, but even if you did, you have rights of respectful treatment. A marriage is two people who love each other working together for mutual betterment, not one person hiring a servant.
He is a bully. Stand up for him soundly and coldly. Get books on negotiation skills and learn to present cogent, non-emotional, and persuasive positions when your opinion differs. Don't flinch when he pulls his bully tactics of devaluing you because quite frankly, he needs you more than you need him.
As far as your kids, the reverse is also true. You are the main parent as far as primary responsibility, but major decisions and major accountability for financial transactions do go through both of you. But again, it's not one person who says "This is how it is" and the other says "yes dear".
The sooner you two iron out all of these preconceptions and start working together as a team, the better it will be. I'm guessing he isn't used to being married and needs a refresher course on being a team player. But as far as the "you don't work so you don't have a say"...he can pound sand.
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