A
female
age
36-40,
*rettydamfyne01
writes:I just wanted to know if you could possibly help me I am despreate. I can not control my emotions. When my boyfriend and I get into an arguement and I feel I am being pressured I start to cry. He doesnt like that he thinks that is weak. He does not like any signs of weakness. I don't know why this happens to me. I wamt it to stop. I let things ge to me easily. Is there any hope for me??? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 Crying in an argument isn't a sign of weakness. It's perfectly normal and natural. He's making the classic mistake of thinking that you (a girl) are the same as him (a guy). You are not.
Men are brought up being taught that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. Imagine what happens to a boy who cries if he gets hurt in a football game for example. And I'm sure you know the song 'Boys don't cry'.
He is going wrong in two places...
The first is that he thinks it's the same for you. He needs to understand that women are generally much more able to openly express their emotions. Crying, and just talking about emotional issues in general, come much more naturally. It's not a sign of weakness at all (as he has been taught by society), but rather normal, natural behaviour. Talking and crying can be really good for you, and are a great way to solve problems. He's applying a male perspective to a female... something totally inappropriate.
The second is that he believes that for him to show emotions like this is a sign of weakness for him. Although that's what men are taught (implicitly), it's not really true. I personally believe that men are much better off if we learn to overcome our blocks and are able to show emotion much more directly and openly. It's a very hard thing for us to do, at least initially. Macho culture, peer pressure, and so on, all pressure us to 'act like a man'. But it is possible. I myself didn't cry once between the ages of about 10 and 30. Since then I've cried plenty of times, and I'm certain I'm much better off for it. It took an incredibly overpowering experience that I couldn't 'block' to come to this, to learn that controlling your emotions the whole time is really not worth it.
I suggest you tell him that it is in fact him, not you that is being weak. He is being weak because he is bowing to the social stereotype that men aren't supposed to cry, rather than thinking for himself and making his own mind up about it. If he was strong, he'd know that he could cry and not worry about what others thought about him when he did. I personally now admire a man that can cry, knowing how hard it can be to do it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): Crying isn't necessarily a sign of weakness. It's worrying to cry with no provocation and it surely is too sensitive to cry overreacting at the smallest incident, it's a matter of self-education. Crying can tell you about how you feel, but don't find escape in this. People will associate this with instability. The next time you have an argument, think about presenting logically your point of view, fears apart that it won't match his, if that's what troubles you.
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A
male
reader, nologo  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 Why do we need to experience weakness?It helps us to learn what is strength.The same is true about emotions - you learn to control them.Speaking about pressure you feel: what is being pressurized?Your "inner world" is obviously the answer to this question."Is there any hope for me?" - Depends on what you mean by it.Decide what way to express emotions is adequate in your view.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): Well miss lady dont that bother you cuz i like that too it is better to let it out then to keep inside cuz if u do that you will eventually go crazy but anyway, let him know crying doesnt make u weak he should hold u tell u its okay i hope i helped p.s what dont kill u make u stronger!!
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