A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and I have been arguing for the past few days about his friendship with a girl who continuously flirts with him. he says the flirting has stopped after the first time I confronted him about her texting him saying"call me so j can give you something good to dream about" he recently needed a ride 4 hours away and his friend is dating this girl's friend so her friend took them to where they needed to go. BUT when she arrived I noticed she was sitting in the back and his friend sat next to the girl he liked while my boyfriend sat next to the girl that's been flirting with him. he said he didn't know that was going to happen and I believe him but he doesn't realize how hurt I am. he's also been trying to earn my trust back from a previous problem we've had. during the argument I said maybe I should just leave and get my own place but he says he wants to be with me and doesn't want me to leave. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that he needed to lose the friendship with the girls because it makes me very uncomfortable. he says he shouldn't lose his friends just because I feel insecure. what should I say to this? I'm very confused right now
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 You're not forcing him to sit out in the cold for 3 hours... your boyfriend sounds like a whiny child. If this girl is coming after him then he ought to find himself a different form of transportation. You're not "forcing" him to, it is a choice he should be more than willing to take, considering where his priorities are. Right now it looks like his priorities are:
1. Having this girl in his life
2. Not having to take the bus
3. His relationship with you
Seriously? Maybe it is time to reconsider where this relationship is going. What if something actually serious happens, such as you getting a job in a different city? He wont be able to follow after you so you can stay together, because he prioritizes his own lazy comfort above your relationship. If moving is too much of a hazzle for him, it seems you can just forget about having a relationship with him unless you decide to stay where he is for the rest of your life. Because this man isn't willing to lift a finger to put his relationship first....
Tell him to fix a different form of ride, be that busses, be that someone else who can drive him, be that him driving himself, be that him not going at all. The bus will highly unlikely make him "wait for 3 hours". If it truly is 3 hours, then he can go inside somewhere to wait, can't he? He's not a stray dog after all, nor is he an infant who can't take care of himself. Tell him to show you the buss schedules that say he will have to wiat for 3 hours "in the cold". This just sounds like whiny sulking in my ears.
It's simple, either he puts his relationship on the top of his priorities, or he doesn't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. I feel a lot better about the situation.He says that she's not pursuing him and that im making that up in my head.He also said he uses them only for rides. I suggested he,take the bus but he complains that im forcing him to sit out in the cold for 3 hours.I could go he,always invites me but i work on the weekends .
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (27 October 2012):
 I don't think you should say anything to the girl. She is a man stealing whore, fine. But why would you approach her and start things with her..? It is your boyfriend with the problem. He is the one who is loyal to you (or should be) not this random girl. He cares more about this girl than you. It's sad and unfortunate but true. Like Cerberus, I wouldn't issue ultimatums anymore, I would leave. And as another said it isn't an insecurity issue, it is a respect issue. He is falsely blaming your insecurity and making you sound irrational so then you will rethink your position and let him do whatever he wants. He knows it isn't right and he knows he wants this girl's attention. Find someone a bit more loyal and respectful.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (27 October 2012):
This is the same girl from your previous questions? (I'm not going to post them here because you have posted anonymously.)
I think it is time to establish with her the simple fact that he is in a relationship with you and her flirting and manipulating situations so she can be alone with another woman's man speaks volumes about her unethical nature and she is coming across as a desperate, standardless, groupie slut.
If you arrive somewhere and they are sitting together, you confidently walk up and either sit on your man's lap and give him a nice passionate kiss (i had to do this years ago to a sorority girl who knew that my guy was in a relationship but wouldn't keep her hands off of him right in front of me) , or you tell him to scoot over in the direction away from her and sit directly between the two of them. If he scoots the wrong way, you tell him, "No, please scoot the other way." if she tries to stick to him like glue simply tell her something nicely, with a smile, but also a little loud to draw attention to her, like this, "excuse me, but I would like to sit next to my boyfriend. I'm sure you wouldn't mind as you've been keeping him company for awhile now."
If he does not allow you to sit between the two of them, you need to break up with him because he doesn't respect you or your feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): OP he's not trying to regain your trust at all. He's still testing you to see how far he can go and he's still very much crossing boundaries.
I agree with the others, she's not even nearly a friend. She's a woman with an agenda and you know what, your boyfriends refusal to drop her means having her in his life is more important to him than having you in his life. Think I'm being extreme? Well what's the consequence if this continues? He's going to lose you, and instead of doing whatever it takes within reason to keep you, he feels it's more important that he keeps her.
Pretty simple if you ask me. He drops her or he loses you. You have had previous problems and here are more all based around trust. You're giving him a chance to regain that but instead he's fighting for his right to have a girl who is so obviously pursuing him in his life. I wouldn't tolerate that and I wouldn't even need an ultimatum I'd just be gone.
It's time you talked this out and explained exactly what's happening and has to happen if this relationship is to continue.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 Sometimes it isn't all about you being insecure. I've had countless arguements like this, about different girls my boyfriend has been friends with overtime, because unlike him i could see they were in it for something else, or they wanted more than friendship. Unfortunely he couldn't see the same thing i could, and i would always get the same reply "you're being paranoid" or "oh come on, we are just friends".It wasn't the fact that i didn't trust him, but it was more of the fact i just didn't trust these girls. However when you talk to anyone who you happen to be in a relationship with about being friends with someone who you may not be partically happy about, they always see it straight away as you are just trying to take away your friends.You need to tell him that you think shes in it for something else, bring him up about that text, tell him what kind of "friend" would send you something like that. Tell him if it helps that maybe its okay if he sees her when hes with other friends or yourself, but you don't want him seeing her on his own due to the fact you don't trust her, and tell him you want the texts to stop between her and him. Tell him your not insecure, if you was you would stop him speaking to every single different female, say its the fact shes flirtasious, and thats your job. See how he replys after that, even if maybe for the time being you negatioate with him about when and where he sees her, instead off cutting off contact immediatly.If he still wants her as his friend however and is determined it will stay that way, then get yourself and your boyfriend, to have a conversation with her about the flirting and about everything else that worries you, this could maybe show her that she is not to even try anything on with your boyfriend and if she does you'll be there in a flash. Good Luck xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 October 2012):
He needs to cut this girl out. She isn't a friend. Friends don't want to give their friends "something good to dream about". Tell him that. Tell him that if she is a platonic friend, you have no problem with it. You do not want him to lose a friend. But as it has been proven, this girl is not a friend. She's flirting with him, and she's crossed the line of friendship. She wants something more. The worst is that she's flirted with him while he is in a relationship, and as such she is showing that she has zero respect for your relationship, or for you (or for him too for that matter). Had she been flirting with him while he was single, and then stopped when you and him became a couple, it would be a completely different matter.
This girl is not a friend, she is a c¤ck tease. Tell him he should keep his friends, but this girl is not a friend, and he needs to drop her. It all comes down to respect. This girl has disrespected you and your relationship, she has been flirting with him despite him being in a relationship. Hence, she is not a friend.
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