A
female
age
30-35,
*:Special:.
writes:Okay so I meet this guy about 6 months back and after 3 or so weeks he got me invited to a party and we hooked up. Since then we have been seeing each other in secret 1 or 2 times a week at various places in a friends with benefits agreement, but now I feel more strongly towards him than I ever done about anyone before and I think I love him. Since we've been fooling around I have hardly been eating and I have to force myself to eat something. I have lost over 24lb and dropped 3 dress sizes due to stress and hate the way I look. The only time I'm happy is when I'm with him. My friends and family have been noticing how unhappy I am and I cant tell them why. We talk online every night and he always sweet talks me and tells me how gorgeous I am and it makes me feel so good about myself and on top of the world, but in person he hardly ever does and also makes small nasty comments picking up on little things that don't really matter which confuses me. He also says how much he likes me and claims the only reason he hasn't asked me out is that we live too far away from each other, which isn't true as he only lives a half hour train journey away. I've started doing just about anything he asks just to stop him finding someone else even though I don't want to and it makes me feel cheap and easy. I know he is taking me for a ride and takes me for granted and its stupid for me to feel so strongly towards him, but I cant help it. I don't want to ask him out because it might scare him off, but I don't want to carry on with things as they are. Help me please!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): FWB that makes one partner feel bad is not healthy, period. It can work if both parties know and agree on what they want - you clearly don't feel good about what you're doing, so trust your instincts. Ask for the change you want in the relationship, or end it before your self-esteem falls to zero. As someone whose wife did FWB just before meeting me, I can say that it is never viewed with respect by future partners, even in the healthiest setup, because it is just sex and forces the question of maturity and interest in real relationships to the fore. Accept your experience for a learned lesson, attempt to change it for better, then move on and seek out something more emotionally fulfilling.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): I think you are brilliant.
I think this guys is really a key to your whole life. By trying to please him, its shown you how you could be. You have put in some effort (ok insensibly in some areas) but has shown you a new side of you.
Is he seeing \ shagging anyone else? is he clean?
there is a risk - either you want him fuller or you don't. If you do then you have to talk to him and say you have deeper feelings. If he says he does then bingo - no longer just sex. If he see yes now take off your clothes...then i would dump him. If he says no....then time to look for a new person.
My view is sex buddies are dangerous - what are you actually getting? no emotion - is that good for sex? good for you? are you just a more realistic blow up doll?
- what happens when mr right then appears - well yes i was just screwing this guy for sex... that would make me think highly of you?
I think you should talk to him and see if he is into you - if so great, if not go find someone who is really into you. You deserve someone who is into you.
Star.x.
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A
female
reader, mystifiedgirl +, writes (2 May 2009):
Hello Special,
Ohh no what a situation you're in. Whilst I really sympathise with your dilemma I think you are so aware that the arrangement you have with him is not making you happy.
In all honesty, not everyone is cut out for FWB set-ups. Unless you hook up with a real charismatic meat-head it is often likely feelings will develop and the natural instinct to want more from that person will kick in.
For your health both physically and mentally, you need to end things. Not least because he doesn't sound very nice offline at all but moreso, he cannot give you what you now need.
Playing devils advocate here, (and sincerely no offence is intended here by the way) he didn't want anything and that has been consistent with that view but to now 'cheapify' yourself sexually to keep a man you are not in a relationship with will not make you more of an appealing prospect to him anyway. Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?
Please don't plunge deeper into this one or make it a cycle you cannot break, you are only young once and you will, without doubt, kick yourself in the future if this limps on for another 6 months, year, 2 years.
Remember what you ID name stands for, start treating yourself that way!
Hugs and wishing you good luck
MG X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): This guy is as you say taking you for a ride and is only in it for the sex. He tells you the nice things online to keep getting sex and if he can meet you for sex he could take you somewhere,but you are not giving him any incentive because he is getting sex anyway.
It obviously doesn't suit you the way it is and he is hurting you with the things that attack your self-esteem. If you let it continue you will feel even worse. This is a very unhealthy relationship and although it may sound harsh, you need to stop, and find someone who will make up feel happy all the time, not just during sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): i'm sorry to hear that your unhappy. You have already said that he is taking you for a ride, and its true!! I know its hard, as i have gone through the same thing and it ended up in tears because i let my heart rule my head!!! Play him at his own game. Next time he calls and says do you want a quickie, say your busy tonight, maybe another night (even if you have nothing planed) I know it will be hard as really you want to see him, but dont make yourself available for his beck and call...!!! A guy will only respect you if you have respect for yourself!!
Good luck
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