A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wonderful wife for 24 years. Her sexual orientation is definitely straight and conservative. I on the other hand am still inclined to some adventures, hopefully with my wife, for our middle age. I have this feeling that my wife would enjoy the attentions of a masseuse who gives a sensual, erotic or tantric massage under pleasant, safe, unpressured conditions. I would like to set her up for a sensual massage and see how she feels afterwards. If it was pleasant enough, encourage her to repeat and see if she can relax even more. The masseuse would have to be extremely sensitive and kind to allow an awakening or at least appreciation of such a stimulating experience at the hands of a woman. Ultimately I can see this leading to openness for a more swinging, bi-sexual, recreational lifestyle. Question for the ladies: is this approach doomed to failure? Is it something that deep down in a straight woman, stirs some interest, even if it can't be voiced?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank everyone for their contribution. They have all (especially, satindesire) helped me clarify where I should go from here. As much as I love my wife on many levels, it is not fair to drag her down a such a path. As satindesire points out, divorce is the sad but logical path. Only then can I have a victimless lifestyle that I seek for the next phase of my life. Again, thank you and bless you for your concern.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): Yes, it's doomed to failure. But of course, if you want to totally screw up your marriage just continue with your sordid little ideas.
Leave it alone as a fantasy in your head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't disagree satindesire. Conversely, are not my desires EQUALLY important to hers. If we agree to disagree on this, and she chooses not to participate in extra-curricular activities, I will not impose my will on her, she is a sovereign spirit. As a result, should I have to indefinitely give up my self-sovereignty and suppress my own curiousities and desires? Is that fair?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): Hello again,
In my previous response I emphasised the following:
"Speaking from very personal experience and without meaning to sound harsh, going down this route is not only underhand but quite unfair to your wife."
In light of what you have just wrote, I am underlining that point. It's a very selfish stance to take with poor rationale behind it You cannot compare recreational sex to badminton, what you seek to do with or without your wife could be far more damagin to your marriage then any game of sport could ever be!
If you and your wife are struggling with intimacy, diverting off elsewhere to get your thrills is not going to help the situation. Have you tried seeing a counselling? Sex therapy workshops?
Understandbly, you have needs too. However, if you are hellbent on indulging YOUR fantasies regardless of your wife's interest, talk to her honestly about your sex life and openly about your ideas. Then be prepared for any potential repercussions that may follow.
MG
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments.
To amplify: our sex like has been boring, formulaic, increasingly rare and feeling like the actions are obligation on one or both parties on a given day. We have talked about this over last ten years, but notwithstanding short spikes of efforts, the pattern returns. On my side, I have curiousity to explore new things, but I want to have my wife come along with me. My hope is to have an exciting and enjoyable hobby together. I am at the point where I do not feel my interests in recreational erotic hobbies should be denied just because it is not a hobby she is open to . She will make her choice and I should be able to make mine. I know it is not a readily acceptable comparison, but she doesn't like my sports hobbies (football and fishing) and lets me enjoy those; and I support her hobbies (bellydancing and yoga). Over the years, I am reevaluating (rationalizing?) the "puritanical" fuss over sex in our society. Spiritual, emotional and intimate sexual monogamy for a marriage is not easy given male instincts but is still important to respect and preserve. No argument. However...Recreational sex should not be automatically excluded as an outlet for one or both parties, just because it is not available in confines of marriage without outside spice - experimentation and games.
Believe me I respect the points of view you have expressed. In fact, I have challenged myself (and beaten up myself) with them on a regular basis for a number of years. Keep it coming.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): why not talk to her if you want her and see if she wants to be awoken to fulfil your fantasies....
just ask her if she would like a massage from a woman.
Star.x.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): I know, why don't you let a man massage you so you can relax and see if it goes further? now how does that sound? not nice, well your wife as a straight woman would not like it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Hi,
Speaking from very personal experience and without meaning to sound harsh, going down this route is not only underhand but quite unfair to your wife. It leaves her little option for choice and discovery. Unfortunately it is often that those who hanker after a recreational sex lifestyle do not often consider the real danger they put their trusted relationship through for the sake of anonymous sex. I am not talking about affairs, diseases or the like but more so the fact it changes eachothers perceptions and crosses boundaries that cannot be rebuilt. You may unleash something that you wish you didn't!
Personally, as you've probably guessed I think this a very bad idea. You know your wife and you expressed that she is conservative and definitely straight. Rather then selfishly trap or coerce her into a potentially uncomfortable situation (of your expressed preference and not hers), talk to her and express your fantasies and thoughts. Perhaps build on it from there and when you are both on the right wave-length then maybe sound her out on some real ideas you would like to try.
Again I speak as an individual with very real relationship experience in this area and sometimes with all the best and loving intentions in the world appreciating and valuing what is sacred and true in your relationship is a better and more sustainable thrill then any collection of well organised menage a trois or bisexual orgies!
Just my 2 pennies worth,
Wish you luck
MG
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