A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently expecting my first child with my boyfriend of three years. Although our child wasn't planned, they weren't unwanted and the pregnancy was a lovely surprise and we are both excited. However in the past few months as my due date gets closer, (Mid May), my boyfriend has started to voice his opinion that I shouldn't return to work when the little one is here, and that I should become a full time mum. Which would be fine for us financially as my boyfriend is in a high paid job and my wages only cover things like treats, holidays, unexpected expenses. However I love having my own money to buy things with, and the extra money has always come in handy. I would be cutting my working hours down anyway, but to stop working altogether would take away my independence and I don't want that. He is adamant that I don't need to work but I want to work. I love my job! As my maternity leave got closer, he kept saying things like will you miss working, only a few more weeks of working left....ect. I have explained to him the reasons I want to work but it's starting to really cause an issue between us. What would be the best thing to do? I don't need the stress just weeks away from having my first child but I feel like this is something I can't give in on. I love my boyfriend, and I can not wait for this new part of our lives to start but something beautiful is turning into nothing but stress.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2015):
 I forget.. Don't the UK have paid maternity leave?
I know my brother and sister in law SPLIT their maternity leave (In Denmark both parents get paid maternity leave)
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Parents have the right to a total of 52 weeks leave with maternity subsistence allowance. The mother is entitled to four weeks maternity leave (barselsorloven) prior to giving birth and 14 weeks after; the father is entitled to two weeks' leave after the birth; and the remaining time can be divided according to individual wishes.
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Not sure about the UK rules. I believe you can take 12 months and get paid 90% of your wages? So at least you will have a YEAR to try out staying at home - IF after 6-9 months you have a NEED to go back to work ( wouldn't blame you) then do so.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Why not cross this bridge when you get to it?
You're getting all worked up over something that really won't be an issue for at least several months after your baby is born. You can tell him, you'll revisit the subject in the future and in the meantime, enjoy the time you two have alone now, and being able to sleep through the night.
I totally understand wanting to protect your independence, but if you work only part time and with whatever government benefits (baby bonus?) you receive each month, you should be able to put something aside for yourself. What is the point in having children if you're just going to pay someone else to raise them?
Cross this bridge when you get to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Hi
I do agree that for now, love this part of your life, enjoy being a new Mum and see how you feel when your maternity leave is over. If you find you don't want to part with your little one and go back to work (which many of my friends who were adamant they wanted to go back to work, felt) then fine, but if returning to work is something you still want, then standing up for what you want is something you will have to do.
One word though, why is he being like this? Why is he ignoring your wishes? And why is he enjoying telling you that you're not going back to work by asking you those leading questions like 'Are you going to miss work' ?
This would bother me more than anything else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): There is the chance you may want to take a short career break after the birth, as you never know quite how you will feel once the baby has arrived. You really must do what is best for you and if you feel you would be happier working, even if it is part time which can allow the chance of having a foot in both camps, then tell your partner that is something very much in your plans. I would wait till after the birth to decide. I have known very career orientated women who have wanted to spend the early years at home once the baby had arrived. If you can, keep your options open for now but tell your partner so he is prepared for whatever you should decide.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 I agree with the other posters, plus : are you sure you can REALLY do without your income ? In theory yes, but in practice ?...
You say your wages now are being used for holidays and unexpected expenses ; good, then who's going to pay for your holidays once you don't work ?. And what happens if unexpected expenses crop up again ?You cannot know they won't- they are unexpected !
Plus, do not think that adding a baby will not have an influence on your budget. Quite the opposite, even if it does not feel like that right now- just wait and see.
So, you'll be adding expenses and subtracting income, and you won't be keeping the same lifestyle as before. Which of course is not a tragedy and can be faced with a cheerful smile on when it is necessary and when it is a willing choice- but , if it is not strictly necessary, and if you'd rather NOT do it ,... then WHY doing it when it can be avoided ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2015):
Do what feels RIGHT for you. He is your BF, not your husband nor your "master".
Maybe start with some part time? While Jr. is little?
I really don't think it's smart to stay at home if you CAN and WANT to go back to work. If he.. left you after you had been a SAHM for years, you would have a VERY hard time getting a decent job to take care of you and your child.
You two have to figure out what you can BOTH live with. THIS is NOT his choice alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): ". . .Which would be fine for us financially as my boyfriend is in a high paid job . . ."
There is no "us" financially; you two are not married and therefore you have no joint assets nor would he be under any obligation to provide spousal support should you split up. It would foolish of you to allow yourself to become completely financially dependent on a man who could potentially use his financial leverage to gain custody of your child in the future.
I would consult a family law attorney before the birth to ensure that appropriate legal protections are in place for you and your child given all foreseeable contingencies absent a certificate of marriage.
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