A
male
age
36-40,
*onfusedandtorn
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 3.5 years now. We began dating in my Sr year of high school; she is a year younger than me. We now attend different colleges that are about 6 hours apart driving so we do not get to see each other too often. We have been talking on the phone everyday since I got to college, but finding enough time to do so has been hard because of both of our busy schedules. To make things more difficult, I have recently earned a spot on a varsity team at school, which strains my free time even more, but making this team has been my dream since I started playing the sport. Since my girlfriend is not as busy as I am she has much more time to think about me not having enough time for her. She sometimes says that she has become a widow to my sport. This year I think that this has been one of the only topics of conflict between us and these fights come often. She tells me that Im doing a bad job of showing her my love for her and I tell her I devote all the free time I have to her. The thing is that my free time basically exists between class the library and practice and just before bed during the week. Whats worse is that next semester will not get any better because the sport I play is a spring sport and I have at least 2 games a week. On the infrequent weekend that I am able to go out and be a college kid I try to take advantage of it(once or twice a month). Now with that background my problem lies two fold. First, constant fighting takes its toll on anyone. I love this girl, more than I though was possible, and the though of not being able to give her what she needs/deserves really upsets me. I have had the though that both of us would be better if we were not together, for we seem to be unhappy and fighting so much, at least until I/we have the necessary time to her and our relationship. At the same time I have had the thought that be being in such a long distance relationship I could be missing out on a lot, that make college life college life. Don’t get me wrong I do see a future with this girl, a lasting future. But the thing is, and it’s magnified by the constant fighting, that I can’t help but to think, "what else is out there?" I know that sounds awful, but its not just sexual, although I can’t say it has nothing to do with it for I have only been with two other people besides my current. I feel that when making choices day to day I am held back by having a girlfriend. ie, I dont do something or go somewhere or spend time with my teammates(I havent been able to really bond with them and really become part of the team socially) because I have to call her or what would she think if I did this. For example, I have been afraid of trying to connect with women on campus because my girlfriend can be the jealous type. Since she is so far away and doesnt know them when I tell her about women friends I make I feel like she only thinks that it’s anything but an innocent and platonic relationship. There it is, Ive never put it out there like that before but I don’t know what to do. I sometimes fall into these depressed funks when I think about all that I have said. When in these funks I have thought of breaking up with her but I always talk my self out of it, whether it is I can’t stand to hurt her so much or what if I find that ive lost the best thing and everything and I can’t get it back. Now winter break is only a few days away and then I have 4 weeks off to spend with her, my family, fiends from home and train for the upcoming season. We are always good when we are together but are apart for so much of the year(including summer because of job placement). I dont know what to do and I am just running in circles with my own thoughts. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank You.
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depressed, jealous, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): sorry, i know it hurts, but it needs to be done. I went trhought the exact same thing you're going through. Worse even because i WORK with my ex, and we would see each other EVERY day. But it was a constant argument because I felt frustrated that I couldn't do the things I wanted to because I had a girlfriend. I felt guilty talking to girls in school becuase she would get jealous, so it ended. After 2+ years we broke up, is been 3 months since, and we still work together, we get along great, I party with my friends when i want to, she just started seeing some other dude, and we're still good friends.I know you love her, but to love someone you have to be happy with your own situation.
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 First love is hard.
I agree with the motherly advice of baby duck.
As harsh as it sounds.
Its only as you get older do you realise your youth is about exploration and discovery. You have a lifetime of sacrafice ahead of you. When you are married with children, your whole life will be about putting other peoples needs before your own. If you use your youth wisely to have fun, meet other people, explore who you really are....when you get to the middle part of your life you will have no regrets.
Regret is a horrible thing to live with.
You have a remarkable opportunity at the moment, to make the most out of your college years. Its a wonderful thing to have this loyalty towards your girl. But perhaps you need to look at the fact that she is probably feeling the same way you are.
I admire you, youre' a wonderful guy. Your parents should be proud of what an honourable man you are becoming. But follow your heart, not just your word. Give yourself these opportunities to truly discover who you are and what you want out of life, thats not being a bad person, thats celebrating life!
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A
female
reader, lolo89  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 hi,
i know you love this girl but you have to tell her that you need to break up.
its hard but you really have to put yourself first and your sports are apart of that, so they have to come before her.
It seems to me like you've already made that choice but alls is left to do now is tell her.
if you really are right for each other stay in contact and be together again one day, you also need to explain this to her.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): I went through a similar situation a few years ago when I started college. I was a pre-med major and had very little time for my boyfriend. Things were rough for about a year and a half, but we got through it. We've been together for 4.5 years and are getting married in June. We thank god that we made it through that rough time, even though we both look back and agree that it would have been much easier to break up. I'm not saying that that will necessarily be the situation for you, but that is my experience. I would say that you should try to stick it out and see what happens. You might thank yourself later. Good luck, I hope it works our well for you.
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A
female
reader, kmadlaydee +, writes (12 December 2007):
 i think u have to consider her feelings here yes u love her n she loves u but if u loved her that much ud give up wot u do! so the question u gotta answer is do u love her enough to let her go to someone who has more time for her or do u give up wot u love doin? its a tough question but one that needs answering hun!!
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