A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a huge problem. I met this wonderful guy on the internet in January of 2008. I was getting ready to move to Europe and he was from the UK. We were just friends and took time to get to know each other to see if things would work out that way when I came over to Europe if we met up and hit things off, we would have already known each other and continued a relationship. Well I am 21 from America and have had 12 partners. (Excluding him) He has had 10. I never had one night stands, pointless sex, or fuck buddies. I had hopes for each of my partners and I had hoped they were the ones for me. I told my boyfriend now, that if I had a crystal ball and I could see into the future to know what would have happened with them, I wouldn't have done it the way I did. He is verbally abusive. He says I'm a slut, I must not have respected myself, calls me horrible names, says he doesn't deserve this and it makes him love me less. My problem is that since he has known my partners from the beginning of our relationship yet he still chose to be with me and fall in love with me. We talked about marriage, kids, we lived together and he has the nerve to tell me he loves me less for this? I asked him if that is the case then after he found out my number, why did he choose to stay? I mean it was only after a few weeks of talking and we hadn't even met in person so why stick around? He said "Because I had developed strong feelings for you and I thought I could deal with it." He has been dealing with it just fine but claims recently that he never dealt with it fine and he just suppressed his feelings to try and be happy with me because I am the first girl he has ever opened up to, the first girl he has ever truly loved, and the first girl who has made his heart skip beats. We both still get butterflies in our stomachs when we see each other. He is the first guy I have ever truly loved. It would hurt to just have him as a friend. We have been through so much together. We both lost our dads so we have common grounds. I am only 3 above him so I don't get why he makes me feel so shameful. He said recently "It is like a spit in your soul mates face for you to be with anyone before them." I could easily tell him the same thing! He tells me if there is any way to get over this or help him deal with it, he would do that because he loves me too much to let me go. He tells me "Don't just tell me to get over it or try harder to deal with it because I am trying to!" I personally don't believe he is. I just need to know what to do because we have been together a year and I do not want to just throw it all away for something he has pretended and lied to me about for the past year and led me to believe he was okay. Help! :(
View related questions:
one night stand, soul mates, soulmate, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): Yeah exactly! Thank you. He doesn't need to help me over come anything, he needs help over coming my past. He needs to know there are plenty of other people out there in his position if not worse! He is 25 and has been with 10 people. I am 21 and have been with 12 (excluding him) The funny thing is I tell him if I had a crystal ball to see the future and to see how it would have turned out, I wouldn't have had sex with the people I did. The part about that which is funny is that I could tell him the same. I could say "If I knew you would be like this with me in the future, if I knew we wouldn't work out. I wouldn't have had sex with you either." So now I have had 13 people whom none have worked out. I could have saved myself heartache and confusion if I hadn't of ever met him.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 February 2009):
 First let me tell you, sex = sex. It doesn't equal love and you can't base the possibility of a relationship working out because you had sex.
So he's being an ass to you because of your sexual past. Isn't a relationship like this based on not who you were but who you are. Being loved for who you are even though you're not perfect. That's what you deserve, and not what he's giving you. I really don't feel as if this is the right person for you. He's too judgmental and will continue using your past against you. That's not right, and you're setting yourself up for being unhappy.
What does he need to help you overcome? Sure you've made judgment errors now and again, but that's your past. Although things haven't worked out, if you're content with the experience which got you to where you are, who is he to judge?
I have a friend, although I have never had sexual relations with her, I don't judge her. She's had over 100 partners in the adult film industry, drugs, money, and sex, and has since quit, goes to church, and counsels others in helping them start over by being in such a destructive career. She lead a destructive life but that's not who she is, it's what she did.
Sex is an action, not who you are. You are so much more than any action you may have done. So you had sex, who cares? There is someone out there for you who will say "Who Cares?" And will love you for who you are, and not judge you for you past. That's what you deserve, and anything less is not good enough. You set your standards, don't settle for what goes against who you are.
...............................
|
