A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I used to work with a man who helped me a lot with work issues that were unbearable. I eventually left but while there a two way mutual attraction developed. This started from 2009. I left in July 2010. Neither of us said anything verbally about it, however, on one occasion he asked me to be a little more discreet at work. I was surprised as he was the one always giving me the looks or passing by my office area for no real reason! He said better to meet and talk after work. I feel staff were noticing.He promised he would keep in touch by mentoring me but has been linked with someone else as shortage of mentors. I suggested the mentoring as I wanted to keep in touch with him but did not know how else to do this (he's a senior manager). I feel he signed up for the mentoring to keep in touch with me!I got a message stating that he is still available to offer support where ever I need it. I was touched. I did see him but could not talk at the train station and he said that I must call him (at work).This is what I am having problems with - calling him as I would have to go through the switchboard and his PA. I did drop a letter by hand to security explaining and left my number. He has not yet called me.I do not want to appear that I am throwing myself at him. I prefer men to make a move. I did not want to make the post too long but he displayed serious flirting and his eyes said everything over the months.Any advice welcomed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your brutal honesty. I agree honesty is the best policy. Obviously, I have not had the chance to fill you in on everything that has happened between us. I have remained totally professional and have not led this guy on. He is attracted to me as he admires my strength and determination. I have been through a lot domestically and professionally for which he knows about and I have always held my head high and got through them.
He is unaware of my domestic situation and I feel this is why is is hesitant to make a move and agreed on the mentoring. He did ask but I did not answer clearly. I said "its complicated". He has got a family as I do but not live with them.
He directed his remark about being more discreet to me although I was not actually doing anything obvious - he was! As the boss, i feel people were starting to notice and at the time he was trying to help me so I feel a lot of whispering was going around and he was protecting himself and his position.
He was asked me to call him. I am finding that extremely difficult because all I hear in my ears is "be discreet". I have not got a direct number to him so have to keep going through his PA and the switchboard.
There is some serious chemistry between us and if its meant to be, I am sure it will be. I am just not running after it but would hate to lose what could have been.
I am in the process of setting up my own business at the moment and may use this as am excuse to meet with his for advice as he offered and then take it from there. It wont be for a couple of weeks yet.
Thanks again for your time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): The key thing here is that he has not replied to your note - yet. Wait and see if he does follow this up. If not, I feel you'd best forget him. He will have been playing with your emotions. Do not contact him again or make a move. If he wants to see you, he will, but its not clear if it will go anwhere.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 Sure his eyes look like he's flirting. But he does want you to be more discreet?
That suggests he has some reason he is reticent and does not want others to be aware of any growing closeness between the two of you?
Why?
Red alarm bells should be ringing in your ears.
First is he available to flirt? Or is he married and already in a relationship with a permanent partner?
Or were you too forward? When a man asks a woman to be more discreet that is 'code' for the man saying that the woman is being too forward and too obvious about her feelings of attraction for a man.
When a man is truly attracted to a woman he welcomes every move by the woman, even if her giggling is over the top, or her flirting is over the top. He can't get enough of a woman he likes. The last thing a man would do to a woman he is very attracted to would be to ask her to be more discreet.
Yet your mentor was worried that people would get an impression that he did not want given?
It really sounds like he has an existing partner or a wife.
Because the above would explain why he is too hesitant to let this go further.
If he already has a permanent partner, then back off. For he will never be available to you. Not in the way you may hope for.
he has flirted with you, but now is not contacting you even after you have given him your contact details. Hmmmm? Then he is not genuine. Men really interested in a woman do not act like that.
I do not believe he wants to mentor you, or he would have resumed by now.
Instead i think he wants a casual relationship, where you do all the running. And where he only does the minimum, just to keep you keen. So that he can have the casual relationship, with no commitment.
under no circumstances make yourself available. Let him prove if he is really available. Let him do all the running.
Always let a man prove he really cares. Look always at a man's actions.
If this man is not available then you need to move on. Find a guy who is real, genuine, open and totally transparent. Plus a guy who is real is proud to introduce you to his family, his friends.
That does not sound like your mentor, does it?
I am sorry if this is disconcerting. But honesty is best.
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