A
female
age
51-59,
*eeGee255
writes:Hi, I am fairly new to this site but am really enjoying sharing my years of experience and advise with others. And I see a lot of questions here from the readers asking various questions about how they should handle a problem(s) in their relationship. But by the time I finish reading the post, I realize that they are talking about someone they have never actually met in person. According to them they have "been seeing them" (in an exclusive relationship) for a year or more. And I just don't get it... Most times the person is very young, but not always. Can someone please explain to me why anyone would do this? I can understand becoming a friend or a "pen pal" with someone who shares common interests that perhaps lives far away, but why call them your boyfriend or girlfriend? Especially if that means you feel like you have to refuse a date with a "real live person" who is right there in front of you. Maybe I am just old fashioned but I don't understand how this can be considered a real relationship in any sense of the word. And I honestly want to understand so I can give them the best advise I am capable of giving. I'd also like to know if I am the only one who feels this way? -Perplexed Reply to this Question
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reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (10 March 2011):
GeeGee, nice conclusion! I am looking forward to seeing an article about it. Ive been in this kind of stuff before... thats why i am here, because i believed my online girlfriend and mailed her a letter, only to see she was cheating on me while she had told me she wanted to marry, have kids, and all tht crap, only after one week of having met. This happened to me about 3 weeks ago (when she cheated).
A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (7 March 2011):
GeeGee255 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Cerberus, Blonde30's
Thank you all for your replies.
Cerberus your answer touched me the most and best explained to me why they may look for it or simply just get caught up in it without planning too, because yes, I have become attached to certain charaters in a book I was reading (Twilight) lol, and have yelled out loud at the action on the tv, and yes I have even cried over a movie plenty of times and even a few sappy commercials.
So I can well understand the depths of emotion we are talking about here. And I started to be persuaded by your thoughts that perhaps I was wrong and I began to feel bad for saying they were not real relationships.
But then I read it again, twice... and I realized that's not what I have a problem with. I agree that they emotions are very real and painful when things break down. The part I have a problem with is the fact that all those emotions are built more on fantasy than real life in the first place. And you say so yourself. It is mostly all fantasy.
To me it's like when you hear stories about how some people when meeting a tv celebrity for the first time keep calling the star by their tv characters name. Forgetting that the show isn't real, and that they are just an actor or actress playing a part.
So my basic arguement is this:
Firt of all, people lie! They may say they are a handsome 17 year old guy, when they are really fat, bald and 52 years old. How can anyone who lives 3000 miles away ever really trust for sure that they know exactly who they are talking too and can believe even 50% of what they are being told??
And even if they were exactly who they said they were and have talked to them for over a year or more online, that still doesn't mean that they are going to fall in love with each other forever the first time they lay eyes on each other. Compatably chatting online and making a happy home together are two very, very, different things.
And finally, not only have they often never met the person they are chatting with, many seem to have no plans to do so in the foreseeable future. And yet both parties have come to agree that they are in an exclusive relationship and make promises to each other forsaking all others.
So now the person is truly stuck living more in a fantasy world then they are in the real world, and perhaps for a very long time. Maybe 6 mths, maybe a year or two or more....
And the end result is that they have given up on everything in the outside world for someone who may or may not be who they say they are. Who they may or may not get to actally meet one day in person.
How is this normal or good for anyone? And when does it end? When the game stops being fun for one or both of them? How many people who started out this way are still happy and together (online or in person) 5 years later? I would really like to hear some happily ever after stories from some of these folks. And from the ones who just wish they could have that time back....
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (7 March 2011):
 I've been part of a long-distance, long-term relationship before. I was seventeen at the start of it, and we were in long-distance for nine months before I moved states upon states away to be with him. Needless to say, things fell apart for us quickly once we went from never seeing each other, to seeing each other night and day. I had met him once in person about three months after meeting him online, so I didn't keep the relationship going completely oblivious to who he was.
If I had to do an online long-distance relationship again, I wouldn't. I honestly don't know how I did it back then. But I was inexperienced in relationships, and lived in a VERY small town where the options of datable men were slim to none. Also, there wasn't much to do in my town, so it made making time for conversation easy. He, however, lived in a HUGE city (where I'm living now), and wasn't social whatsoeever. He didn't do anything outside of making time to talk to me. However, long long-distance phone conversations did nothing for allowing us to actually get to KNOW each other. That's why when we could finally be together in person, we found we didn't have much in common outside of how we met. We ended things about five months after moving in together.
My fiance and I have been together for a little over two years, and have been living together for a year and a half. We find it awkward to talk on the phone with one another, and definitely can't do it for lengthy periods of time. Like I said, if I had the option to do it all over again, I couldn't. I don't know how I did in the first place. But I do know it depends strongly upon where a person is at in their life and where their priorities are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): No, it's not a relationship when you have never met the man...you can have virtual friends but not virtual romantic partners you have never seen nor touched.
I think some women have been hurt...betrayed in the past.. or just hopelessly romantic and the virtual man fits a fantasy..an ideal..it feels safer and almost like the perfect man since you never have to deal with him day to day and the conflicts and compromises that come with that.
If you think about it...just like a movie star...the fictionalized relationship will always feel more perfect and destined than anyone you could go on a date with and all the awkwardness and slow getting to know one another that accompanies dating. This man in the flesh and all his human flaws will pale in comparison to a fantasy that activates the imagination.
I think women are more partial to fantasy and sadly get romanticly scammed with this virtual escape.. It is perfect for the emotional unavailable man to keep her apart from his daily ongoings and cheat under the radar or essentially use her as an emotional support..while the internet man is otherwise married or already has a proper partner kept in the dark.
There are also coomon tales of men who keep communications with numerous women concurrently and have these women flying in for weekends from all over the country on a rotating schedule...different flavour of the week or month
I'm a staunch believer in that the virtual man who cannot show up to meet you after a small amount of emails have been exchanged, he if just fantasy and not worthy of a woman's ongoing affections.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): I have had experience of this, people just writing emails and stuff and never wanting to meet up, from a dating site. I think the people who do it can't face a real life relationship so are making do with something less real. Maybe they are shy, or maybe they are already in a relationship, but I think it's dangerous for the emotions. Better to meet someone in real life, then you have a better idea who they really are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): I kind of agree with you but I completely understand how a person can get into an online relationship.
Just because you're not there in person doesn't mean the words you say or the connection can't be there.
I mean when I talk to my girlfriend on facebook chat, text, the phone or any other kind of communication where she is not there in person, I still love her. Her words can still make me laugh or cry, she can still give me that warm fuzzy feeling when she tells me how much she loves me. Words are very powerful things, they can stir up the deepest of emotions. Although we're real life partners that live toegther.
Think of how reading a good book can effect you, if the story is really deep and meaningful you can be very moved by it can't you? Now imagine that a real person moves you that much while talking to them online you can see how you can get an emotional connection to them.
Another example is think of your favourite TV show and your favourite character in that show. You gain an emotional attachment to that fictional character and you tune in just to see what happens to them next time, will they overcome the conflict present or will they face more serious issues. You root for that character, you think about that character a long time after the show ends and you talk about that character with your friends. You emotionally invest in that fantasy so much that you have hopes and wishes to see that character do well, you feel sad when something bad happens to them and joy if they overcome those bad things.
The same kind of thing happens with online relationships, they're a fantasy that feels real because the person the other end is real even if they portray themselves in a better light online. Does it compare to a real life, in person relationship? No it just can't but then again that doesn't negate the emotional impact it can have for the people involved.
The best way to understand it is to think of things in your life that aren't real, fantasies that have a strong emotional impact on you. Like your favourite musician who's music moves you to tears or the actor that you watch with adoring eyes, or the character in a book that you still have a fondness for even though they don't exist.
Well the fantasy world and the cyber world can be just as real when it comes to emotions and while you may never have an online relationship understand that it is just as real as an "in person" relationship emotionally, it only lacks the physical and sexual intimacy. I'll put it to you this way, for about 6 or 7 years I had a platonic love for Kurt Cobain I idolized him because of the effect the music he created had on me, that music still moves me and when he died it had a profound effect on me, I felt I had lost a loved one. More recently a few million Michael Jackson fans went through the same experience. My point is you don't need to be physically close to a person nor even know them for that matter for them to have a profound effect on your life and that effect is very real and can have the same emotional impact.
So next time you come across someone who is in an online relationship understand that while you may not consider it a real relationship by your standards, the feelings and emotions involved are.
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