A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi. ive never posted anything before and i guess its because i really have nowhere else to turn. anyway here goes... i've been married for ten years. thank god we have no children and i'm only thankful for that because of my situation. my wife has stuck with me through a lot. moves,job changes, financial instability and me having to spend prolongued trips away from home but she has supported me throughout. we had split up one time a few years back and i found out she had been with another man during our split-up. (still legally married at the time). however, we worked it out and decided to save our marriage. we now a have a great home, and we both have great careers. recently however, i met this other woman who i beleive i am in love with. i have moved out with this other woman and my wife and i are filling for divorce,(my wife does not know about my affair). the other woman is fully aware of my marriage.the reason why we filed is because she wants children and i was too afraid to give her any because quite franky i don't know if i love her or the comfort she provides and don't want to drag children into my irresponsible indecisions. my wife,however, is willing to work it out with me and does not want a divorce anymore. i am stuck. i don't know if i want to be with my wife out of fear of change, losing my home and my comfort or out of love. i am with this other woman who i thought i loved untill recently because now i'm thinking of getting back with my wife. i really am torn and don't know if i should get divorced now with the benefit of not dragging children into this mess and start over with this woman, or get back with my wife not knowing if it is out of fear or love. i appreciate any honesty and feedback.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Ok, so I am almost in the exact same situation as you. Been married 5 yrs, no kids, many job promotions/location changes. My husband has been supportive of my career yet I have felt like his security blanket over the past 5 yrs. He has also been my security blanket as it is always better to makes moves with someone by your side. I've been emotionally detached for a long time now. I've had 2 short non-emotional affairs a(he is usaware) and put those aside and really tried to love my husband. Problem is -- my heart was empty and I've now fallen in love with another man. My husband once again is uaware but I've told him for 3 months now how unhappy I am. He says he loves me but I feel as though he is in a comfort zone with me (I'm the bread winner) and is too scared to imagine being out of that zone.I believe I've lost the man that I've been having the affair with that I love. That is ok with me even though I'm very sad and devestated over that. Truth of the whole matter is this....if I truly loved my husband -- I would not have these affairs, I would want to have kids, I would not mind supporting him.
My decision has been made to divorce. My problem now is having to ask for it and facing my family who frown very heavily on it. I'm being truly selfish to stay in this marriage as I have accepted that I do not truly love him as he should be loved. To admit failure and ask for the divorce is that hardest most emotionally event that I've ever struggled with.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 March 2008):
 I agree with the other poster. True love as we know it is not a feeling at all. It's not infatuation or lust, which would be our feelings toward wanting to be with someone. True love is a choice. It's then same form of love that parents have for children. My definition of love is "Choosing to love through good and bad with no expections in return."
The problem in many relationships is, I did this for you, now I expect that from you.
Next you need to realize that you and your wife create your own experience in your marriage. If you want a fairytail marriage, create it. It's like that in everything. Think of amusement parks you've visited, or resturaunts that were just unbelieveable, even tv commercials. Everything we do that we enjoy which someone else created wasn't just tossed together then hope for the best. It was created knowing that a large percent of visitors will produce a certain positive response by their researched, detailed creation. It's the same in marriage. Even bringing flowers home, or having a romantic dinner, it starts with thought then action preceeding the thought. If you don't create inside a marriage, it will get dull.
I hope everything works out well for you. Know also that you are a very lucky individual. Not everyone has an opportunity to cancel a divorce and have another attempt at marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Don't forget that there's one aspect to love that people often forget - the choice to love. It's not just a matter of "falling in love" but deciding to love even when it's difficult. It sounds like you guys have made it through a lot of changes and trouble together, that speaks VOLUMES, most couples can't do this. Think about it, she probably had similar thoughts when she met someone earlier in your marriage but she worked thru it and came back to you. And you stuck with her too! You both have what it takes to make it, you don't find that everyday. You really don't know that about his woman you're with now, it's a gamble at best. But you know your wife does have what it takes. What would be your choice for longevity if you were to bet your next year's salary? It will cost you at least that much if you divorce once, and tons more if you get divorced a second time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionin response to rcn, i see what your saying but dont get me wrong. your definately right about me leaving being selfish because of the history me and her shared, but we got married very young and the financial changes and other changes had to do with me going to college graduating and me being distant from her during that time and then getting the career i have now starting from the bottom up. she stuck with me through all that.i have contemplated seeking a psych though to determine why i cant accept the fact that i love her or if i dont really love her and am just in love with the idea of being married. the changes we made together however was both of us starting our lives together and pulling through together from nothing and with virtually no help. i will consider it though rcn, thank you
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 March 2008):
I would say pick your wife. You have history together. That was selfish going with the other woman. How do you think she feels sticking by you through all that to have have you trade for another.
Now first, don't take this wrong, but I recommend you see a psychologist. The difficulties in makeing decisions, your past with financial and many other changes, could be a mental disorder. I'm not saying this for you to start being a pill popper. I recommend it so you can find out about you. Where do these decisions come from? What prompts the crazyness you've experienced? By finding out about you and what causes these different behaviors gives you a beginning on changing them and improving your way being. I believe you can change what you know, not what you don't.
If you do get back with your wife always treasure your marriage, be greatful for what you have not focusing on what you don't. When everything else seems as it goes to hell from time to time, one thing you and your wife are able to create is your experience in your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): going back to your wife can be both ways. what you have to ask yourself is that do you still love her? and if the answer is yes then Can you stay with her and give her what she wants ? and most imporantly, will you be happy with her?
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