A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:I was wondering If i could get some people's opininons on here about my current situation. I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship of five years a couple of months ago, and i cant seem to get back up. I have no feelings for him anymore but I have these bouts of depression that wont let me do anything with my life.example:I have a masters degree and am 24 just graduated but I could care less, i feel like there is nothing out there for me professionally because i am always nice and get burned in the endI have also gained 25 pounds, iwas 114 and now i am 135 and i cnat stand the thought of myself i hate myself, and it brings me back to when he called me fat. i tried joining a gym but i have no energy. all i wanna do i sleep and forget about the worldI also seem to fall for these brilliant guys who are unfortunately taken, and do not believe i will ever fall in love again. It scares me. I have gone to therapy and i have talked to ppl but i cannot seem to break this cycle. I am eating my feelings away, and just living to breathe..Does anyone have any advice. People seem to say I have it all, a deggree looks, a house, but I cant see it. I cant feel it. I feel guilty for not feeling it but this emptyness and loneliness is killing me..please does anyone have advice on how to overcome this...
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female
reader, alexia846 +, writes (25 January 2011):
alexia846 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe long post made me tear up so much it's exactly how I feel omg :((((( he has been. Trying to contact me desperately trying to be sweet then semi mean. I feel so weak at times when ge is sweet but it feels like I am speaking a different language with him. "he was Luke well I was with you at 115 and 135 so you can't tell me I dint appreciate you" but then I think if he had appreciated me why did he call me a fat cow? And he is like well you know I say things when I am mad that I don't mean. This scares me because I'm afraid that no one will love me .. And I have only been with this man I'm afraid that if I go with someone else then that is it. He said just recently that "I'm not going to give up on this relationship until I see you with someone else." I'm so broken and confused because I saw someone else a classmate being so genuinely nice to me and it made me wonder if a man can show me affection???? I desperately want to be loved, is this wrong I'm so confused :(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): I got out of a 2 year emotionally abusive relationship just over 2 years ago now. A couple of months after I finally got away from him I was a wreck like you too. I hate to say it, but it really does take time. Time and a lot of thinking. At the end of my relationship I got him to admit that he put me down because 1) he was insecure 2) he wanted me to feel bad about myself and to depend on him 3) he wanted me to work for his love 4) he wanted me to feel lucky to have him and that no other guy would ever want me. I've since done a lot of reading and discovered those are fairly typical reasons for men to be emotionally abusive and controlling. I bet that's why your ex treated you that way.So, first I'll talk about your career. Funnily enough, I'm 25 and have a Masters. I got it after breaking up with him and, as well as being good for me, it felt like I was sticking it to him because he always subtly put down my career. Did your ex do that to you? Think about it. If he did (I suspect he may have) it's because he wanted you to depend on him and for his career to be more important. I bet he was attracted to you for your looks and brains, but once he had you he was intimidated by them and tried to belittle them. Does that make sense? Thinking about it that way will help you to see again (eventually) how worthwhile you are.And so he called you fat. Doesn't surprise me in the least. 135 pounds isn't remotely fat! Didn't I just say he was attracted to your looks and brains but once he had you, needed to belittle them? If he makes you feel bad about the way you look, in his subconscious mind he feels safer in the relationship and feels like you're less likely to leave him. You're not fat, sounds like you're gorgeous. And I know you can't see it now, you need to be really patient because it might take another 6 months before you can feel better about yourself. But I think if you can look at all the ways he put you down and think about why he did it and see that it had nothing to do with any real problems with you, it was just his insecurity acting out, then eventually you'll feel like you're you again and truly alive.Also, think back to what you enjoyed doing before your relationship with him. Did you like to sing or run or swim or dance? Or are there friends you lost touch with as the relationship got more intense? Try to get in touch with who you were before you lost yourself by going back to these things. Or do something new that you'd like to try. It really does help to get a little bit active and do something you weren't able to when you were with him. It makes you feel free again. Do you like to cook? I ate away my feelings for a while too, but it's a lot better if you start making the food for yourself and taking pleasure in it.It sounds like you're putting pressure on yourself to go back to normal, but it is a process. And you will love again, just not straight away. I'm in love with someone now and I'm happy at last. Just moved in with the guy. I thought I'd never love again either and that no one could ever love me, but it will happen for you. Oh, one last thing - also think about any early warning signs of your ex's emotional abuse, things you probably skimmed over at the time because you just didn't want to see them. Think about the kind of man you would like to meet and be with. This will make sure you don't end up in some horrible cycle of abusive relationships!Good luck and give yourself time :)
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 hi
have you looked into post traumatic stress disorder? maybe you should be getting therapy that deals with that, not just counselling where you are listened to but not really given a way out of the feelings.
you have only been away from him for a couple of months, everyone has different recovery time and depending on the situation they were in and events that lead up to this time. while you are still feeling down, another relationship is probably the last thing you need, it is often not a good idea to enter into new relationship when you are still feeling vulnerable and damaged by the last one
xx
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