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male
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*ereMale
writes: Sex Life is killing me.......I am 35 and have been married for six years,my wife is three months pregnant with third child. Had a fantastic sex life until she became pregnant with first child, so i totally understand her lack of sex drive for the past five years. Its not the sex but the total lack of affection, There's no hugs, holding hands, kisses, or even conversation. I am really worried that she's simply just not attracted to me.Our sex life for the last three years has been me once or twice a week spending at least an hour on massage, foreplay/oral to bring her to what she describes as a 'fantastic' orgasm, but once she's had that there is totally no interest in me, and if I complain then any physical contact we have stops all together. I have to ask for any type of affection (hug, cuddle, kiss) and its usually answered 'no'. Our children are two and four.Whilst I would be gutted if she didn't love me I would hate to see her just be with me for the kids sake and if there is no attraction from her side I love her that much I think she deserves to be with someone she is attracted to.I've suggested counselling, I've tried everything to talk about it and its just getting worst. I feel worthless, ugly, and can not sleep most nights beating myself up whilst she sleeps like a log and doesn't seem to care.Ive booked nights away in fancy hotels, mystery shopping tours, wrote her letters, arranged flowers, cooked romantic dinners, constantly compliment her and tell her how wonderful she is. I've done everything I know how to express my feelings and my love and it's still just a one way street.I just can't be a happy person living like this yet our two boys are purely delightful, we have a great lifestyle, everything else is perfect, I just feel totally unloved. I ve asked her to tell me three things she likes about me and the answer is always a shrug of the shoulders. Yet she says she truly loves me. If I complain I am basically told 'You know where the door is'.I could live without the sex, but a spontaneous hug, kiss, or even just to ask me how I was? would make all the difference. I've explained this but the reply is always silence.The lack of sleep and constant worry is killing me.Any advice would greatly be appreciated.Will it get better over time? Or am I wasting her time and mine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): It could be that your wife is till suffering the effects of untreated post-natal depression (also known as post-partum depression) either from your first or second child's birth. Sadly, if you cannot persuade her to seek help (through her doctor or midwife for the PND) or relationship counselling then there may not be a lot that you can do to resolve this situation without breaking up the marriage.Try and talk to her again and explain (again) how unhappy you are feeling about the way things are and suggest that you both seek some relationship counselling to try and find a way to make things better between you. If she refuses to consider this then it may well be that she will most likely not take well to suggestions that she speak to her doctor or midwife either. You should still try, though, for the well being of your wife, your children and yourself.Again, if she refuses to accept outside help then your choices may well come down to either accepting a loveless and one sided marriage (which is not a good example for your children at all) or calling things to a halt and being the best daddy that you can to your children from outside of the marriage.Finally, even if your wife won't accept medical help or relationship counselling I would still seriously suggest that you go in for some counselling yourself so that you have the help and support necessary to cope with your life right now and whatever decisions you have to make in the future. Good luck with the future and please do update us on how things are.
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