A
female
age
30-35,
*reath_in
writes:Dear cupid,i feel so lost and confused i'm not sure of anything anymore . i'm 19 and i just got engaged to my boyfriend of 1 yr and 2 months i'm really young i know but i love him so much he's all I've ever wanted and i can't picture my life with out him .however just recently he came back for R and R a (army thing) we were suppose to get married then but last min when were eloping he told me he didn't want to get married anymore.this caught me off guard because i took 3 buses to get to him and i ditched everyone on my planned wedding day to elope because its what he wanted i left school for 2 days and left home for a week to be with him he said he wanted to wait till December.he told me he felt that things weren't right that nothing seemed to be falling into place like they should . he admitted he wasn't putting any effort all he did was drink and party with his friend and dragged me along and noticed me more when we were alone getting ready for bed . he said he'd change but i don't believe him anymore he made me look like an idiot in front of my family and friends I've giving him everything and i feel like i'm being taken for granted .my heart is broken because it hurt so much to hear him say he didn't want to marry me his reasons seemed to make no sense and i felt like i was dumped . i can't seem to let it go we're trying to work things out were still engaged but hes asking me to leave everything again to go with him to north Carolina even college he said things will be different this time but im scared to put myself out there again and being used because this time around i'd be risking everything .my question is should i stay or should i go ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): "i'm gonna get a job and i'm gonna take everyday as it comes i'm gonna breath in and out and tell my self i did everything i could it just wasn't enough now its time to find yourself ."
This is one of the bravest decisions I've seen on here. Good on you, girl. We are all rooting for you. You deserve to succeed in life with an attitude like that.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Atta Girl!!!!! You are making a very wise decision and you will never regret it.
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A
female
reader, breath_in +, writes (11 October 2010):
breath_in is verified as being by the original poster of the question UPDATE : its been 5 days and our anniversary is coming up we haven't spoken in 2 days now its been pretty clear to me now that there is no point in me waiting and giving more into this relationship. for a while i thought i should give him a week . i already told him how i felt now its up to him to do something . ..so he hasn't its actually been worse so i'm taking off my engagement ring today and i'm putting it back in the box i'm gonna concentrate on school . i'm gonna get a job and i'm gonna take everyday as it comes i'm gonna breath in and out and tell my self i did everything i could it just wasn't enough now its time to find yourself .
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 October 2010):
Stay in college, if he won't wait for you then he's not the guy for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Oh, my dear. I hate to say this, but this guy sounds like he's no good at all. I'm sure that you love him desperately, and I know that this isn't what you really want to hear. But trust me when I say that your instincts are right - that you should listen to that fear that says you're risking way too much here for a guy who really hasn't shown much moral fibre or much concern for you. I know you probably feel very tired and old, but you're still so young and you have a tremendous future ahead of you with the right guy. But I'm not convinced that this man is right for you...
First of all, he asked you to give up absolutely everything for him in eloping for him... and then he left you with nothing. That was not just cruel of him, it was downright irresponsible and must have hurt you very deeply.
Secondly, he has tried to isolate you. Someone who really cares about your wellbeing will never needlessly ask you to choose between them and your entire social circle, including your family. Why on earth did he force you to 'elope' with him, rather than meeting your friends and family in the usual way?
Thirdly, since you left it until the brink of a wedding to decide to run away, I'm guessing that you yourself have been through a whole lot. You must have been quite undecided up to the last minute to let wedding preparations proceed that far without saying something. Take some time and think carefully about those doubts you have. Marriage isn't something to enter lightly, on a whim. It can feel like you're terribly in love with someone, and want to spend the rest of your life with them, but until you have seen how they react to pressure, how they are first thing in the morning, and how they deal with daily grind rather than romantic dates, you don't really know if that person is right for you. Don't make the mistake I made and waste years of your life on the wrong person!
Fourthly, and perhaps most importantly of all, he's asking you to choose between your future and him. Take it from someone who has been screwed over a lot in life - you ALWAYS need to retain the capacity to go it alone if you need to. You can't rely on anything or anyone else to come through for you. It's therefore vital that you are qualified, and capable of earning your own way, independently of everyone else - because you never know in life when you might have to rely on your wits and your perseverance to survive. Don't throw away your chance at a great education for some guy who isn't even certain or morally grounded enough to go through with his promise. Yes, you could go to college later on - but it's much, much tougher, and much less fun! Take your chance to be young and a student while it's still fresh!
I would urge you not to stay but to make plans for your life independently of ALL guys. If this guy loves you, as he says he does, he will wait for you while you're at college and realize that following your dreams are important. If you're real soulmates, you won't lose him over such a decision. Instead, you will both figure out a way of doing this over distance, and you can grow together. If, however, he's an immature, self-centred, and selfish idiot who doesn't deserve you, he'll keep insisting that you fall in with his plans, he'll threaten to be unfaithful if you're not there, and he'll continue to demonstrate no care at all for your longterm welfare or the risks that you are running. In which case you'll be no loser going to college and meeting some other guys who know how to treat you a bit better, and developing your capacity to have a good, wellpaid career that will see you through any situation you come across in future. Follow your dreams, girl - you're not just some arm candy for a guy, but a vibrant, intelligent person with aspirations of her own!
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