A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I have and had a crazy family life, most of the problems that my mom and I have encountered were caused by men. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate males or think they are lesser people in any way, but ever since a particular event occurred, I haven't been able to be in a relationship with a male. Considering my age, I don't believe this to be a permanent problem, yet I would still like to know how to deal with it. Does anybody know how I could resolve my distrust in the opposite gender? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (6 May 2016):
 Never hurts to see a guidance counselor or therapist about these things.Better to nip it in the bud and learn tools for trust than letting thought patterns get more reinforced with time.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2016):
 I think by learning and accepting that NOT every male are LIKE the men you and your mom have encountered.
That holding people RESPONSIBLE for other people's bad behavior because of their gender isn't really fair, and won't help you in life.
You need to accept that there ARE good and bad people out there and they are NOT just of one gender. Doesn't mean that you should presume ALL men are great, but they aren't all bad either.
What it means, is that you have seen some bad behavior. Which means you KNOW the behaviors, the clues, some of the red flags. And while it might have made you feel a tad jaded towards men, it might HELP you identify and avoid choosing "THOSE" kind of men in the future.
Hopefully it will also make you use common sense and TAKE it slow when you DO meet a guy. Whether he is a future friend or something more.
Life isn't black and white. Good people CAN do bad things, BAD people CAN do good things.
Learn to set boundaries. Things you are OK and NOT OK with when interacting with others. And stick to them.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 May 2016):
 You are fighting an uphill battle. Your society is structured to reinforce your earned distrust. You will constantly be told that all men are out to get you, are only after one thing, are dogs, are cheaters, or even are rapists. The fact that despite your history, you still believe that there are good men out there, is a very positive sign.
All relationships are relationships of trust. Trust has to be earned and built slowly. It is made up of promises made and kept over time. You will have to consciously remember every promise, and forgive single mistakes, in order to build a relationship. He will also have to trust you not to make assumptions, or fly off the handle at every wrong word. More than the average girl, because of your painful history. You re aware already, so you have a better chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): You sound very smart and like the kind of person who likes to look at all the sides of an issue before making a decision. So have you thought of this? IMHO and experiences most guys who act badly or abusive are just gigantic toddlers. What they do isn't personally towards anyone, they're just selfish and childish. So just choose a guy who's emotionally mature and stable. Don't go with any who have mood swings or can't control how they react because that's the start of an abusive relationship. If he smokes weed or does anything else I'd recommend staying away. You want a guy who can handle life without needing to rely on dissociating from it. And don't go with emotionally distant or cold guys even if their demeanor is sexy; when you need help? They'll just ignore you...And once they get older it doesn't matter. Men like this always stay who they are. They might be able to hide it better later on but toddlers usually stay toddlers. Thry might change when they hit 60 or something lol. But otherwise you're in for a lot of drama if he can't control himself.So choose a guy with great emotional control and empathy and you should be fine!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (4 May 2016):
 When in a relationship you still have to be open. If you have been bruised then you do it gradually, step by step as your trust grows.
Your instinct should serve you well. You ought to be able to recognise a genuinely nice boy from someone just trying yo get what he can from you. The small things count. The way a person shows they care about you, lets yo know. If they seem cool and uncaring - if it seems like you are doing all the work then walk away. They don't love you.
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