A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Background: I am living with my boyfriend of 4 years. I am in my 30's he in his mid-40's. He was previously married for 14 years and has two kids. I have 2 kids from previous marriage as well. He is in the military, and last year I left my job, my home, family and friends to transfer with him. I'm in a new state with no family, mediocre job and no real friends yet.Earlier this week I discovered he has a profile on a gay website. I saw it on the computer history and confronted him about it. He admitted having the profile but insists that he is not gay and has no desire to be with a man sexually. He first said his reason for registering with the site was strictly to find a nude beach and that he didn't pay for the site so he could only look at pics, and he was only curious about those. He showed me his profile briefly, but wouldn't go to all pages.At this point I'm completely freaked out becuase my brother died of aids several years ago. I couldn't get over the thought of the possiblity of my boyfriend bringing it home to me. So, I violated his privacy and logged onto his account. I found where he had been paying for the site for over a year. I found that he had been getting IM's, although I couldn't read them. He had done a couple of searches for I don't now what in our area. He made a statement in his Description field "Must be discreet, travel frequently, please be patient."So, I confront him again. When I told him I had logged on he became angry and told me the relationship was over. When I got home I asked him to at least talk to me about it and he still swears he isn't gay and does not want to have sex with a man. He finally admitted that he is intersted in watching gay porn and that's why he has the paid subscription. He says it not something he would ever act on, he just likes to watch it. He says he is still committed to me and wants a life together. I don't know what to do at this point. I can understand if it is just curiosity and enjoys watching gay porn. However, I'm terrified that it will escalate into more. He's already gone to the nude beach he found on this website. Although he says he didn't go all the way down to the nude part. He's never given me any reason to suspect that he is gay. Our sex life is great, he's attracted to women definitely, he has a stash of straight porn. I'm completely blindsided by this discovery. I've had same sex fantasies myself, not often, but I have. I know that I would never feel comfortable acting on them. I've never found myself attracted sexually to another woman. It's just fun to think about sometimes. Is it the same for men? Or should I be this concerned about it escalating into actual physical contact?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 August 2007):
 Madam, I'm afraid that, in the end, you will have to decide whether you want to stay with him, as he is, or you will leave him. This is a tough decision, I know, but I think it will help you if you think of it this way.
Please count on us if you need help.
A
female
reader, run4thehills +, writes (22 August 2007):
Our situations are very similar and I sure could use a friend right now. I am still in shock since it's only been a week or so since I found out about my boyfriend. I'm sure I'll be experiencing different stages of emotion. I am completely freaked out. I hope you'll write.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 August 2007):
 I think he will refuse to deal with the truth about himself as long as you refuse to find a way to deal in an open relationship that will satisfy his orientation.
This is a catch 22 being set up. You want him to accept himself, but that means (and he knows it) that YOU will not accepting being in a relationship with him.
There are people who manage open relationships, sometimes even better than monogamous ones. If you want him to feel safe enough with you so that he does not lose you, you must make the effort to learn everything you can about open relationships and polyamory and bisexuality. Unless he actively sees you make the effort, I doubt he will ever have the courage to be himself with you.
If you want the truth from him, you must first present yourself as a person that can handle his truth, OTHERWISE it is you training him to lie to you. Can you see this as a possible dynamic here?
-Frank
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother Update...
After finding the email correspondence with the guy in California, I found more from a man here in town. I confronted my BF about it. First he got angry because I looked at the profile again. He immediately called me a vulgar name and hung up on me. When he came home, we both said some cruel things in anger and he left the house. We met for breakfast Saturday and had a long talk. He admitted to meeting the guy in town a couple of times at his office, but still swears it is not sexual. However the tone of the man's email clearly suggests that it is. I tried to convey to him that I am not judging him and I can accept his bisexuality. However, because of things said in the heated argument, he is hesitant to believe me.
I asked him to do some soul searching himself to determine what he needs in a relationship. He still says he wants to be with me and that he can be faithful to me. As much as I want to believe him, I just don't think he can even be honest with himself at this point. I still feel like I don't know exactly what I'm dealing with. There's no way I can udnerstand that desire...and what it will take to fulfill it.
I am not completely past the hurt and anger, but more than anything I want this man to be true to himself and be happy in his life. I have come to terms with the fact that the life I thought we would have together can not be. I have given thought to whether or not I can be part of an open relationship, and I still feel it is not something I can live with. I will always love this man, I know. I will always want him as part of my life...even if having him as my life partner is more than I can deal with.
Thanks to all for your advice. You have all really helped me to come to terms with all of this.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (17 August 2007):
Ouch.
Look, it is OK to get angry, but do not let the emotional control your actions.
See out that support group I mentioned earlier. You will be around people that can understand your feelings right now.
He is mostly likely bi...maybe some online resources for bisexuals might be a good idea too, so you can learn about the issues he is dealing with.
I do not think monogamous relations are going to work for you both as a couple. There are alternative forms of relationships where rules and boundaries could be set, so that he can explore his sexuality, while still being honest and respectful towards you. I know you said that you could never be in an open relationship, but my question is if you ever actually seriously considered it before? Most people freak out at the thought of it at first, but some poeple really come into their own once their emotional needs are met, and the boundaries are set.
Lastly, please consider that all of the rage and anger you feel, as justified as it is, is nothing compared to what he must be going through having to battle his own sexuality. That does not excuse his deciet, but perhaps it can make you understand it better.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 August 2007):
I'm very sorry for you, madam. This must be very heartbreaking.
I cannot decide for you. Our role is to help, and we don't have full knowledge of what goes on, but here's my take.
Let's not judge him for being gay or bisexual. The thing is, he is trying to get sexually involved with another person. This is cheating. If I were you, I would feel that such a situation would happen again and again, as it is very unlikely that he will not act on his wishes in the future. In my view, this means the prospect of living with him though you know he will always cheat.
Take care, madam.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: Well, I'm at the level of blinking anger again. I've really been working on trying to understand this need. I asked him again to be honest with me. I could tell something wasn't right though. I found emails to and from a man he was trying to meet in California when he took his daughter there for a family reunion. I've been trying to get to a place where I could be accepting of his desires, but now that I know without a doubt that he is acting on them...I have to go. My heart is breaking right now. Damn this hurts.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (14 August 2007):
There are support groups for people with gay and bi partners. I would suggest that you look one up and see if you can meet others in similar situations.
They may have you along the rest of the path you are on.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Frank,
Thanks for you comment. I have thought the very same thing. After that initial wave crashing in on me, I do feel like I have come to the point where I am willing to accept the person he is and support him. I literally went through a phase of geniuinely feeling sorry for him because I know how difficult it must be for him to have to hide this. I realized that in my mind I was trying to make him fit into either a stratight box or a gay box. Now I realize there is a whole range of bisexuality in the middle, that I had just never given much thought to. He considers himself straight though. I still don't know if he is able to be honest with himself at this point. No matter how this turns out, I don't think any less of him as a man, as a person and I would never tell anyone about this. I don't want to hurt or embarras him that way. I won't stop loving him and just cut him completely out of my life.
However, I also have to be true to myself and I know that I do not want a sexual reltionship with someone who could be engaging in such risky behavior. He still denies that his profile is anything other than simple enjoyment of gay porn which is still very difficult for me to believe. I can't understand the need to put up a profile and IM with local gay men if you're not looking. I can't just buy that because he says it. If just enjoying the porn was the case I could live with that. I just can't stay if he seeks out gay sex partners.
He says he's still committed to me and wants us to work this out, but I'm still undecided. I feel like I've come a long way in the past few days, but there's still so far to go.
Again, thanks for your comments. This board has helped me tremendously.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (13 August 2007):
Hey There,
You said: I realized at that point, that I never really knew my brother. One of the most important people in my life, and because of my misguided intolerence I didn't really know him. It was truly heartbreaking for me, and I vowed at that point to never judge anyone based on what is not considered normal.
If this is true, then do not let your emotional based reactions get the better of you again, and make sure you do not repeat this mistake with the man of your life. Maybe your brother's passing was to prepare you for the challenge of loving a man that is more like the part of your brother you never knew. I think the universe is giving you a second chance for your own redemption...don't shut out another important man in your life. You already lost out with the first one.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, lboy  +, writes (11 August 2007):
 Dear reader,I really think that you may be over thinking this. You say yourself that you have had same sex fantasies but would never act upon them. Well, maybe your bf is slightly different maybe he is on this site to try and meet someone that he could possibly try these same sex fantasies with. He may come out bi as i do not believe for one minute that he is fully gay.You say your sex life is great. Well trust me, I'm a gay lad and i do not have any feelings sexually for girls myself. If a girl was to ask me to have sex with them, I would say flat out no as i would not be able to get an erection. This is the same for most gay men. If they are gay they will not get turned on by a woman. This is why I belive that he is simply bi. You may want to check his account on this site again, just briefly and try and find the orientation that he has selected. If he selected bi then the ohnly thing you need to worry about is whether or not you will to stay with him.that is all the advice i can really give, i hope this helped you.good lucklboyxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE...It's been four days since I discovered the profile. I feel like I have been through an emotional meat grinder. I've gone from the initial feelings of fear, disgust and betrayal, through 2 days of sadness and non-stop tears, and now the more I try to talk to my BF I find myself feeling...I don't know...sympathetic. I learned a very hard lesson when my brother died of aids. I was raised in a very rural town with intolerence for anything out of the ordinary very common. Especially in my own family. Being raised in this kind of household, intolerence for homosexuals, or even mixed race couples, is all that I knew. My brother was never able to tell my parents, or me and my sister that he was gay. It wasn't until the final stages of his disease that he was finally able to admit what we already knew. He talked to us about how hard it was to hide it from us for years, his fear of being disowned and rejected. I realized at that point, that I never really knew my brother. One of the most important people in my life, and because of my misguided intolerence I didn't really know him. It was truly heartbreaking for me, and I vowed at that point to never judge anyone based on what is not considered normal. So, back to now. I've relayed this situation w/ my brother to my BF...which I have talked to him about before. I am at a point on this emotional roller coaster where I was able to tell him that I don't think less of him as a man, that my love for him has not changed, and that I want him to be honest not only with me, but himself. I told him I know that he is terrified of people finding out and his military career being in jeopardy. I assured him that I would never tell anyone that he knows about this situation. I would never do anything to devestate his life. We continued talking about the situation, although he is getting tired of the talk. He was finally able to admit that watching the porn was arousing to him, but he still insists he has no desire to be with a man. He is irritated that I can't believe him. He also told me this all started about 3 -4 years ago. Can a man just turn bi or gay so late in life? I feel like now he is being honest with me...as honest as he is being with himself anyway. This man has truly been the love of my life. As much as my heart wants to belive him, my insticnts won't let me. The heartbreak over the lies and betrayal has now turned into heartbreak over the possibility that he is living this tortured existence where his fear won't let him be true to himself. I'm extremely distraught over the aspect of my life with him being over. But I know that my true self can not be in a open relationship with a bisexual man. Great, here come the tears again...Thanks for the input all.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (11 August 2007):
First things first: Get yourself tested for STDs. Now.
Next,
He is either gay or bi. Would you still want to be with him if her were bi? If so, work on reaching a point where you are strong enough for the truth, and he is comfortable enough sharing it with you.
I do not beleive for one section it is just an interest in watching. I think he is already acting on it.
If an open relationship with him being with other men is not something you fancy, start looking to move on.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): I believe strongly in gut instincts and intuition. Chances are if your suspicions are strong, then it's likely true. A women's intuition is a gift and it seems like alarm bells are going off in your head so learn to trust yourself. This is absolutely crucial. Why? Because I feel he could put you dangerously at risk if he does act on this. He claims to be just curious. Curious is simply looking, once-twice, and then moving on. He's not doing that. He's set up a profile, there have mysterious messages, he visited this nude beach. He's lied to you about the reason for visiting gay site (to look at pics). He hiding something inside him, that he's likely coming to grip with. He needs to be honest with you. In a nutshell, the trust in this relationship has been shaken to it's core. When even the suspicion of cheating rears its ugly head, the trust is violated. You have to believe you have choices. Either leave this relationship or ask him to choose to become a devoted, 'healthy' partner to you. Are you up for that? It will take hard work for him to regain your trust. In the back of your mind, you will wonder if he's acting out his homosexual tendencies. Think about this long and hard. Don't latch on to anyone in your life, when you can see the problems jumping out at you. Don't hang onto this guy simply by default. You have a personal self-responsibility to yourself. I can't see this relationship continuing, unless you tell him point blank, that you will not tolerate this and set some hard and fast rules. The longer you wait, the longer he will keep it up and think that what he is doing is okay. Tell him. The gay profiles, the porn sites all goes...today.Your instincts kicked in an you investigated it further. What else do you not know. You will always wonder. If he doesn't do this..be prepared to walk away no matter how much you care. The intent or the act of cheating itself, hurts our loved ones deeply, as it indicates a violation of the committment a person holds dear, but I think its the lying which accompanies the cheating that is the most most destructive element of a relationship. Gather up your courage here, dear. I honestly think you know what to do, but you need to hear from other people. Take care and I wish you strength.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 August 2007):
In my opinion, he is gay but he won't admit it. It will not escalate, but in the sense that he's gay already and he will continue to do the same things he's been doing. Not that I'm being judgmental; I just think what I said, he's gay but won't admit it.
Your logging into the account is not reason enough to put an end to the relationship. His knowing that now you know he's gay, that can be a reason.
I don't think curiosity would lead you to look at more than a few pictures of gay sex. He is definitely interested in gay sex.
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