A
male
age
41-50,
*ave1983
writes:Hi,My partner of 3 years has just left me, took my son. I'd like to explain what happened; because I'd like another point of view on things to help me understand what I did wrong.Basically, we were both very young. We both made mistakes (she cheated on me, i wasnt always honest with her). But, we moved past all that, and we became better together. Then she got pregnant 1 yr into the relationship and although it was scary, we decided to go for it.Id just finished Uni, and couldnt find a decent job. My partner suggested we move 250 miles to where her dad lives, in the hope that there would be more work there. So we did. We got a house, got lots of debts getting it furnished, i got a decent job.Then our son was born and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. However, after he was born my partner was diagnosed with post natal depression.She then expressed that she didnt like it where we were and wanted to go back 'home'. I didnt want to move again, especially as so much time, money and effort had been put into the first move. And I had a decent job with a future.So, its now happened. Shes gone back without me, with my son. She says she wouldnt take me back now, because I didnt listen to her when she said she wanted to go back.I know she is right; I should have listened to her. I think I mightve made the worst mistake in my life, staying here. But I want to provide for my family, and I can do that here, but not there.No matter how much I miss them, and how much I want to go up there and beg her to take me back, I know deep down that it would never work there. We'd always be in the same position we are now; just starting in life, never going anywhere.I've had a lot of people tell me that its all my fault. I wonder if they are right? Can someone tell me: am I a complete moron?Dave.
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male
reader, dave1983 +, writes (19 March 2008):
dave1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your answers. You are all very kind.I wouldn't say that the neighborhood we are in is very good; it's known as a 'bad' area, but to be honest apart from the occasional loud music every few weeks, we haven't had too much of a problem.I understood that my partner was apprehensive about living here, but at the time it was the only neighborhood we could get a place in.We intended to move out to a nicer house, which hasn't happened yet but we've not even been here 2 years. What I'm saying is that I expect it to take time for our lives to improve - its not going to happen overnight.And the thing is, the place where she has moved to is a pretty rough area too.Anyway, I'm just going to try and get on with my life and get that house. At least then I'll be in a stable position in case anything does happen with her and my son, as rcn said.Thanks again,Dave.
A
female
reader, raima  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 dear dave just try to confirm that why she left? waht is the reason i think there must be any strong reason coz if you are earning good and that place is nice so that mean may be feel feels insecure there (where you stay).
better you keep in touch with your wife and son and try to get reason from your wife. than you can solve your problem very easily. i know it is not difficult coz once if women decided to do something so it is very difficult to change but if you are right than definately you will win or if your wife is right than you know better..........
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 She doesn't want you back because you didn't want to move, right. I don't believe that one. She's using that as an excuse. She wanted to move your family from security to insecurity. That's not a good idea, without first securing a position in the other place. You don't just pack up a child and move them without having certain steps taken care of prior to making that move.
It's not your fault this happened. I think she left because she's real confused herself. You did the right thing by not falling into the same confusion. If you are able to work it out, make sure you have a position set up before making that move. If not, and if her moving around and instability continues, you may want to seek custody of your son. Children need stability, and knowing where they belong.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, dave1983 +, writes (18 March 2008):
dave1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer Richard, she gave a number of reasons for wanting to move - to be with her family, to be where she grew up.We've been through a lot together, and we've had some unhappiness as well as happy times, and I think she just remembered being happy there and wanted it back.As far as the money goes; I do really want a good life for my family and I don't want to be just earning a base wage all my life, but despite that, its the amount of debt that we accumulated together (buying furnishings, moving costs etc) - I just cant afford to move or be in a lower paid job.I think I've already blown it with her; she's made it clear that she doesn't want me back. Wish id realized sooner that I want her and my boy more than anything.Thanks for listening; it's nice to get a polite response in my situation.Dave
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Based just on what you told us its her that acted rashly. It sounded like its "her way or the highway." PP depression can be nasty. But it seems odd that she'd end the relationship & tear the family apart just because she doesn't like the place you're living. Unless there's something else going on she's putting her needs ahead of what she should know is best for her family. But if she's gonna be like this then you gotta think about your kid. She's not allowed to just take your son away from you because you don't want to move again. Wait for the depression to pass. If she doesn't come to her senses then you should assume she wanted time away from you in the first place.
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A
male
reader, geordie08 +, writes (18 March 2008):
Hi Dave,Did she explain why she wanted to move?I, myself, left a very good job to move in with my partner and we are in alot of debt at the moment. We also have a 10 month old which just adds to it.If I had to move with my partner and son it would not matter what the money situation was like as long as I was with them. I would not say it was you fault as you will have tried your hardest to keep them and explain there would be even more hardship should you move but ultimately you should be with your family.Hope that does not make you feel worse and if there is even the slightest chance of you being a family again i would advise you move heaven and earth to be with them but it has to be what you both want.Richard
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