A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a man for almost a year. On numerous occasions, over the past year, he has asked for time and space bc he is dealing with something stressful with work or his family. I have respected this and have done my best to give him what he needs. He has a habit of ignoring me and not responding when he does this and that can be frustrating but he has developed a pattern. I am usually the one to establish contact again.Recently, a neighbor of his killed himself and he told me that he didn't think we should see each other anymore bc he said it got him thinking and he wanted to be there for his kids more. I asked him if he loves me and he said he did but that things happen for a reason and that he needed time and space. I tried to ask more questions and he accused me of starting a fight. I was not trying to start a fight and was only trying to understand as anyone would want to understand. I asked him if we were broken up bc it was unfair to leave me hanging. I am confused and by not allowing my heart to let go is unfair and he won't respond. So I ended the convo and told him that I was there if he needed me and to take care of himself. It has been a week now and I have heard nothing from him. This morning I checked and he has deleted me from google chat. This has really hurt me. I thought maybe he would come back. I did email him and told him I realize he is moving on now and that his deleting me was my sign.I'm having difficulty understanding why this has happened because it happened so suddenly.Every time in the past he asks for time and space I have usually been the one to initiate contact and things go back to where they were before until the next stressful trigger happens for him. With each of these time and space situations my level of trust is diminished and I am having doubts about everything. I have been extremely patient.I don't know what to do at this point. I feel like he doesn't love me and everything has been a lie and he can just let go so easily. He knows that I am here for him, he knows I love him, and he knows I don't want to break up. I don't know why I feel ashamed and embarrassed by this whole situation but I do. Why do I feel embarrassed and ashamed?? He broke up with me. I feel like I haven't had the chance to explain how I feel and he won't respond to anything now. How do I get over this with my dignity still intacted? I feel like such a fool because I believed this person loved me and would want to be with me.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2014):
 If you are usually the one to pursue him then change your tactics and STOP.
I know it's easier said then done, but do you REALLY want to be with a guy who treats you that way?
Every time you want to reach out to him CALL someone (a friend/family) and talk (if they know the situation). Let them talk you "down to Earth again. Keep seeing your counselor.
Abuse comes in many variations, it's NOT just physical. There is mental and verbal abuse too. You have been through the last two mainly.
ACCEPT that you DO have some power in all this. The power to SET yourself FREE of this man.
ACCEPT that HIS behavior is NOT your fault, you didn't MAKE him treat you this way. THAT is HIS choice. YOUR choice is to know that it IS OK to NOT want to be treated that way and walking away.
Should you worry that he might come back?
It is a possibility. YOU need to make sure you are safe, which means if he shows up at your door, don't let him in. IF he won't go away CALL the police. YOU don't OWE him a conversation, or letting him in. Don't even TALK to him through the door. AND talk to your counselor on HOW to stay safe in these situations.
You said last time you were together you had really rough sex. That is his showing you he owns you. Pissing on his territory (so to speak) It's also about degrading you. To show you how little your feelings matter to him.
Again, DO NOT take ownership of HIS behavior ONLY yours. And know that it's OK to have made mistakes in the past , but it's ALSO OK to stop repeating them.
KEEP seeing your counselor. KEEP working on you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): I am the OP
One other note, I have been in therapy to address the abuse but I am having a difficult time believing that I have been abused.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): I am the OPAnother factor with this relationship is that it has been emotionally and verbally abusive and has escalated the last time we were together with extremely rough sex before he told me we shouldn't see each other anymore. I am distancing myself from the situation but I'm having difficulty with letting go. I feel like I am obsessing over the situation. I have NOT contacted him and have no plans to contact him. I am afraid there is a possibility that he may come back. Should I worry about this? He does have a pattern but as I've said usually I'm the one that pursues him. I have had enough and I need to be able to stay away from him. Please don't criticize me for staying with someone that has been abusive, my self esteem and worth is really low at this point already. I am struggling.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (18 March 2014):
 You can regain your dignity by never looking back at him again. Block him from any apps you use. Do not contact him again. In a few months if he reaches out, IGNORE him. He is noncommittal with you, not interested in being in a real relationship. I have loved men like that before also and found it frustrating and mind-boggling but I have made up my mind to refuse to tolerate that in a man ever again. Confidence is more attractive than good looks. Love yourself and be there for yourself and nurture yourself and build yourself up in whatever ways you need to right now. Prepare a space in your life for a real man to come in. Be ready when he does by being confident in yourself and by taking excellent care of yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): Embarrassment and shame come from being gullible. You continued to cling when your gut feeling told you to move on.
Desperation made you ignore the logic within you, that realized this was a pattern. Every-time some so-called incident occurred in his life, it was time to hit the road.
He was seeing other women.
You always initiated contact? Every-time? He played you and you allowed him to; because you refused to face reality. Come on, my dear. All the drama behind dead neighbors, and work; and so many convenient excuses that require no proof. Perfect cover for what he was really doing. Dating other women.
Enough with stroking your ego and patting you on the head like a child. You knew what was going on all along and just looked the other way; because you didn't want to break up with him.
Well, he has now made it so you have no choice but to move on. Your dignity is tact, always was, and always will be.
Nothing happened that you didn't have complete control over. Never were you at his mercy. You could have kicked his ass to the curb many times over.
Seriously?!
Who has time for a tragedy-plagued boyfriend who is always cutting off contact? Then you don't hear word until you track him down? You let your age and desperation convince you that you have few choices. Therefore; you should hang on to any man you can get, for dear life. This is common in single-women over 40. He played on your weakness and gullibility. You knew better, but allowed him to.
Give yourself closure based on the facts.
He cut you off, fell off the map, he always has some crap going on, and you had to track him down. Then he deleted you from Google chat. So the other woman he is now with will not find out, and he will no longer be nagged by your messaging and pleading for his attention. He has finally broken-free.
That's closure. In fact, it's tantamount to having a door slammed in your face.
Dignity isn't something taken from you. It's something given away. You keep it in tact by accepting the reality of your situation, and letting yourself heal. You can only move-on by going through the detachment process.
Now the withdrawal begins. By letting go. Enduring all the painful and heart-wrenching emotions following the breakup. Desperation is still trying to convince you all is hopeless. It's a lie. You will meet other men. You will find companionship. You will thrive nonetheless.
You are not a fool.
You are a single-person; like all the rest of us, trying to find love. This wasn't it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 March 2014):
This guy has problems that probably have nothing to do with you, so don't take things personally. If anything it's just a sign that you weren't good for each other.
I'm sure you knew that too, didn't you? There's no reason being in a perpetually unhappy relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 March 2014):
 How do you get over this with your dignity intact?
Very simple: Do the opposite of what you have been doing.
Here's what I mean. Every time he's wanted space or to leave or making some sort of excuse (the neighbor dying was just stupid), you've run after him, initiated contact, kept pining for him and looking for reasons to get back into contact. All of these things make you lose dignity.
To keep your dignity is to realize that you don't need him, that you're not interested in wasting another breath for him, to stop checking up on him, to stop missing and pining for him, and to move on with your own life. He is a flake when it comes to other women, which should make him completely undesirable. He used you for companionship and kept you at an arm's length.
He isn't the guy for you. You need someone who looks forward to being with you, who sees you as a comfort instead of needing to get away from you for comfort.
Your dignity is destroyed every time you try and get back with him, every time you text him, email him, drive by, visit him, "run into" him, and especially when he tries to leave and you keep trying to hang on.
I noticed you kept saying "I'm here when you need me". No more of that! DON'T be there for him! Even if he needed you, don't have the time of day for him. Don't put your life on hold for him. Don't wait at the phone or at your email with bated breath. He's NOT worth it!
And the whole "I haven't had the chance to explain how I feel"...trust me, you have. And that's another thing - you retain your dignity when you decide that he's not WORTH your time in explaining anything. He's heard how you feel over and over and over. It's time to let him eat static.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 March 2014):
 I think you need to take of those rose coloured glasses for a few minutes and take a good hard look at this one year relationship you have been in.
You have been kind, loving and faithful...but he has NOT, he's been flaky, selective with his time and used 'this and that' dramas to try and break away from you.
He's just one of those guys that doesn't mind you coming around every now and then but he doesn't want commitment from you and he doesn't have the guts to call it quits himself.
There 'is asking for space' because some thing really did happen and he is traumatised ot there is 'asking for space' as a convienient tool to make you go away from him.
I do feel you are in a bit of denial. It's not enough for you to do all the loving and chasing, the other half has to do some too and this guy obviously didn't think enough of you to be bothered.
You say you didn't see this coming and it's all very sudden??? Really??? He's been an akward flaky confusing idiot for most of the relationship, so you must have realised he just wasn't that into you??
You say you are ashamed and embarrassed??? I dont get that at all...you are maybe embarrassing yourself by treating this on/off conditional thing as the love of the century and really it's not even close.
You dont need a chance to explain how you feel to him...he's gone and he doesn't care one hoot. He couldn't offload you quick enough so what does that say about how HE felt???
Don't be a martyr to this...it's done with and you can keep your dignity by turning your back, walking away and accepting you have to move on.
Sorry to be tough but you seem like you need someone to shake you out of it!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2014):
This man is constantly looking of an out. But once he has had his "space" he kind of misses the GF-experience (NOT HAVING a GF) but someone who cares about you, take care OF you, gives you affection and sex, and boost your ego.
How do you end it with dignity? You DELETE him from your life. Block him of Facebook, Whatsapp or where EVER you have him connected to you. Make his E-mails (if he sends any) go to the trash or spam folder. And then you STOP trying to make him into a man he ISN'T. He isn't BOYFRIEND material.
This is not about YOU not being good enough, it's about him NOT being CAPABLE of committing to another person.
His excuse, that the suicide of his neighbor made him think he needs to spend more time with his son, makes me think that he wasn't really that committed as a Dad either. Now he might try to make up for it, my guess is... it won't last either. He will look for YET another out.
Stop beating yourself up for wanting him to be a GOOD GUY for you. Accept that HE WASN'T/ISN'T and then LET him go.
Don't YOU think you deserve better?
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