A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have a healthy relationship of almost 4 years. I have never been the type of girl to complain about pornography, I in fact enjoy watching it myself and have encouraged the openness and sharing of it in our relationship. He has always tried to hide it from me and we have had countless fights about him not sharing it with me or turning it off soon as I walk in the room. The problem here is that I think I may have underestimated him. I know he looks at it everyday and has quite a collection which other than the occasional insecure moment, has never bothered me. I guess I didnt realize just how much of his time he really does spend on it until recently. We download all of our videos and we have terabytes of porn now, enough to fill a normal computer's hard drive about 15x at least (thats just the stuff Im aware of). And Im talking nothing else on there but porn. He downloads new full length movies every day, sometimes 10 or more movies a day. I cant talk to him about how I feel its a bit excessive because he will immediately go back to assuming I hate all porn and Im not comfortable with any of it. And then he will hide everything and sneak away to go look at it. This is a very black and white area for him. I feel it is really starting to impact not only our life but HIS life as well.He spends so much time on this and doesnt pursue anything productive in his life. He really wants to start looking for a new job but wont finish updating his resume, his job has already paid over 10 grand for him to complete certifications but he wont take the time to do any of it and just complains about how his life isnt going anywhere. How do I talk to him about the fact that I think he may have a slight addiction and the fact that it is really driving us apart? I know he wont change he will just become sneaky so I am at a complete loss as of what to do. Ive tried a few times and it always ends the same way which is completely turned around with me defending myself. I dont want to feel locked out of the life we have made together because Im not only concerned for him but am also starting to really wonder why he needs so much and to spend so much time on it. My self image is tanking, everytime I watch it myself now it brings up negative thoughts about the situation and I simply cant get off anymore to it.Any advice?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 August 2010):
 If he admits he has a problem, then he needs to first identify how much hours he spends getting or watching pornography, he needs to keep a diary. The next step is for him to identify what is bothering him, what he is hiding from. Pornography is the symptom, it's what he dose to deal with his problems.. But it's problems that he is hiding from that has driven him to this. If he wants to stop, he needs to identify what he gets from pornography watching, why he prefers to do this instead of other things, and if certain situation or thoughts drive him to increase or decrease his usage.
These people might be able to help... http://npsupport.net
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): I think he's very lucky to have an open and honest woman like you. However, it sounds to me like addictive behavior. He may need some outside help to overcome something like this. There are resources for all sorts of addictive behavior, including this one. The fact that he is not being productive and supporting you is a big red flag to me. You sound like a great woman, and hopefully a strong one, because I think there's some rough road ahead. If it is as strong of an addiction as I suspect, he won't get out of it without some pain and significant changes. But I also don't think it's insurmountable. I wish you the best. Be nice, but be tough. Obviously this is no good for you, but this isn't doing him any good either. He'll have nothing but regrets in the future if he continues.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 August 2010):
Yes your boyfriend has a problem with pornography, it's starting to interfere with his life. I have no problem with the amount of pornography you have collected, that is to do wit choice, a big porn collection doesn't mean you watch ever single video you have.However, he hasn't managed to deal with things that are important, like updating his C.V, and it's becoming too central to your relationship and is destroying the well being off you both... not good, not good at all..Now you are not his mother, and you are not his doctor. The reason why I say this, is because I don't want you to take on the responsibility of "curing him".... That's not your job, your his girlfriend. Yes you can point things out and make suggestions, but your not their to save him, you've got your own life to worry about.This guy is holding you back, he's making you loose your concentration on your own goals. That's why I want you to concentrate more on yourself. You stop watching porn, go out with the girls, go swimming, go resturants, go for a walk.. I want you to get some fresh air and get out of the house and away from the world of porn. You have goals that need to be met, you had plans and projects to do, I want you to concentrate on them, make something of yourself and move yourself forward.Don't argue with your boyfriend about the porn, but tell him exactly what you told us here. Tell him he has important stuff to do, which is being neglected due to his porn use. Don't argue, just make a statement and then leave the issue alone. Tell him that your fed up with your life and you've decided to work on yourself and shake things up and do more interesting things..Why do this.. well, people change when they want to change.. You can't change him, and if you try it will only bring arguements. However, you can change yourself, you can make your life better. Being arround positive people who are doing positive thiings can stimulate you to want better as you watch their success..I'm hoping, that as you start to get more out of life during this phase of self-improvement, you will look better, feel better, have more confidence in what you can do. Aim for the sky babes, if you can dream it, then it can be yours.Either he'll notice this change in you, you getting more out of life while he sits there masturbating alone, or he'll be content and then he's not the right guy for you.Point out the problem you noticed, do not argue, just state what you see and say you are worried. Then go out and get your nails and hair done, write up a list of what you want to be doing next week, next month, and next year, see what you need to make your life a perfect one, and then get busy and make them dreams a reality....He will either join you or he won't, but you can't drag him out of the hole in which he's decided to bury himself... Good luck babes, I believe in you, and I know you can make yourself proud...he's an adult, he must take care of himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Why have none of the guys answered this question, you know the ones that so vehemently support the use of porn on every other porn question?
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (10 August 2010):
Do you really need porn to have an orgasm? and secondly what do you mean you have to defend yourself! hes a sicko!! and you have allowed it now hes to the point well yea he can throw it back in your face. it sounds like a lost cause to me. i would be worried if he is into it that bad he might just start having if not yet some other bad habits? i would be most concerned about? i wouldn't want in in my neighborhood thats for sure. you 2 need some serious counseling i mean it has comsumed his and your life! and everything about who you are. what happened to the healthy life that 2 people share together. what a messed up deal. the only choice you have is to save yourself you cant change someone who wont help them selve's so i suggest not going down w/ him. if he does get the help? let him prove it to you before you even consider staying w/ him any longer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): i feel for you , i too recently was suprised at what i saw on my mans lap top. . Recent pages were a fan club log in for a hard core site. I too am open minded what i dont get is why he insists it wasnt him to the point where i laugh thinkin how bloody ridiculous. . . He masterbate's next to me when he thinks i.m asleep even after we've had sex and when he wake me with bed shakin he shouts at me and calls me a freak. . . I walked out the room other day for two mins on re entering he looked like was gettin it out . He turned and said 'you think i was goin to wank' shouted went mad and said he couldn take MY odd behaviour any more!. . It is strange
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): i feel for you , i too recently was suprised at what i saw on my mans lap top. . Recent pages were a fan club log in for a hard core site. I too am open minded what i dont get is why he insists it wasnt him to the point where i laugh thinkin how bloody ridiculous. . . He masterbate's next to me when he thinks i.m asleep even after we've had sex and when he wake me with bed shakin he shouts at me and calls me a freak. . . I walked out the room other day for two mins on re entering he looked like was gettin it out . He turned and said 'you think i was goin to wank' shouted went mad and said he couldn take MY odd behaviour any more!. . It is strange
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 To quote Dr. Phil if an activity in your life (e.g washing your hands or in your case watching porn) takes over your life then it's a problem.
I think you will have to be blunt with him and say "Hey dude I'm all for a bit od porn for entertainment but the way your are watching it is not normal and if you don't get help for this I'm leaving.
Then if he doesn't then gather your courage and walk out the door. You might only have to go for a couple of days and action will occur. Put the number of a therapist in front of him and say either you ring or I do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): It's great that you guys CAN be open about the fact you've even watched porn. If he's a good guy, you can talk to him. Tell him you feel shut out of his life and maybe that you'd wanna watch a movie together once in awhile. Also tell him that you feel your self-image going down, again if he's a good one, he'll feel immeadiately guilty and/or needed. Guys love to feel wanted. If you two are willing to have sex maybe you should do that, that way he'll spend more time with you and less time with the computer. But if you tell him all this and he still doesn't understand...dump him. People, especially young people, make mistakes all the time but this one is hurting you and the relationship and him. The first step would be therapy to see why he feels this porn dependence and if that doesn't work or if everything's already to messed up--you have to leave him. I know you feel like your there to help him but your needs come first this case. No guys are perfect but there are better ones out there for you! Anyways, good luck with him and maybe once after you get this all sorted out, you two can watch a nice romantic movie together and cuddle on the couch.
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