A
male
age
36-40,
*olrac
writes:I've been with my girlfriend since October last year, but I started dating her around May. In june - july last year I went to Europe backpacking. During this trip I met with my ex girlfriend in Vienna for 3 days (she lives in Switzerland). This was a 100% friendly meeting, and my sister was with us the whole time. I had never mentioned this meeting to my girlfriend. During this time she was not my girlfriend yet, but before leaving, I did told her I wanted to be with her, and that I would ask her to be my girlfriend when I came back (which I did, 3 months after the meeting). Recently she found out about this, and made a huge scandal about it, especially since I did not admit to having done anything wrong (I was single, and it was a friendly meeting). She accuses me of being a cheater and a lier. Anyway, am I being a total cynic? Or am I right?
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (9 August 2011):
 "In the end she backed down and we are still together... but she concluded she would never forget what I had done."
I would be asking the gf "I understand that you can not forget it, but are you going to forgive it?"
It sounds like she is "scorekeeping" which is never good in a relationship.
Never forget it? Sure. Keeping punishing you if anything EVER comes close to that memory again and hold it against you? Not good.
A
male
reader, Solrac +, writes (9 August 2011):
Solrac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I find it interesting from your comments that there is no consensus. Some of you clear me from all charges, but others agree I am a cheating lier. I must admit, however, that even though I believe I cannot be held accountable for anything that happened previous to our formal relationship, I did decide purposely not to mention this episode to avoid controversy. Anyway, at the end of the argument my gf decided to end it right there. She said we couldn't be a couple if I didn't understand why she found this meeting so shocking, because my not understanding it meant it could happen again. I insisted it wouldn't since now I am in a formal relationship, and now I am accountable for anything I do. In the end she backed down and we are still together... but she concluded she would never forget what I had done.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 August 2011):
I think your gf is overracting and you have nothing to apologize for.
You were not aware there was a committment on your gf's part when you went to Europe. Even if you HAD gotten involved with someone else, you were not currently IN a relationship.
You were not hiding anything as you just met up with a friend that you had a romantic past with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): I'm a little confused with the timelines but the point is. You were keeping this girl 'secured' for when you got home again with a promise of a relationship. Then you went off and hooked up with an ex. A few days an hour...makes no difference to your girlfriend. She spent 3 months on hold waiting for you, probably overlooked other guys, turned down offers and invites because she was waiting on you. Can't you see how it might look to her that while she was doing that, you planned and executed a reunion with your ex and kept it secret from her? You might not have lied or cheated but you were dishonest by omission and should have given her a heads up that you would be meeting up with your ex while away. Then your girlfriend could have decided if she wanted to wait for you or not. But you didn't allow her that choice because you purposely kept it quiet. You must have known how it would look to her. Otherwise why keep it a secret?
I think she is being unfair to call you a cheat without proof but she in entitled to feel slightly miffed that she wasn't given the full facts about your trip. And therefore was unable to make a fully informed choice as to whether you were worth waiting for or not. That's probably what she is most upset about. And if you didn't tell her about that, she might now be wondering what else you didn't tell her about! I think in fairness to her, she does have a right to feel slightly rattled.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 August 2011):
 Even if you were together, having a friendly public meeting with an ex where there are other people present shouldn't be an issue. That's appropriate in a relationship, and you weren't even in a relationship.
That said, you should have told your girlfriend as secret meetings with exes sound incredibly suspicious. She probably thinks something else was going on.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (8 August 2011):
No, you didn't cheat. Your girlfriend feels hurt and insecure. You need to be firm, remind her that absoluetely nothing happened but also show her that you love her and aren't interested in anyone else.
BTW, whilst you were dating your now girlfriend, why didn't you mention to her that you met up with your ex? Your girlfriend probably feels like you purposely didn't tell her, because you had something to hide. If you have a close relationship with your girlfriend you can get past this by both talking about it, just reassure her and make sure she doesn't allow you to accept you have cheated or lied.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): u may not have cheated sexually but you cheated on her emotionally. meaning that u invested time and energy with your ex during your holiday. the mere fact that u did not tell your gf about the time spent with your ex, means that u delibeatrely hid the truth from her, perhaps knowing how she will react.
if u can salvage your realtionship with your gf, plse do. tell her it was remiss of u and u did not want to upset her. cheating is not only all about sex.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (8 August 2011):
 Hi,
You are right!
1) You were not a couple yet...
2) You were w/your sister, but it was a friendly meeting...
Sorry to say this, but your girlfriend, I am sure she's a nice girl, but its making this an issue when it shouldn't be...
Maybe, she's mad at you because you didn't tell her about this "friendly meeting".. But then I understand you, why tell? It was not a big deal..
If you really want to be with her, the only solution is to talk, instead of fighting, accusing back and forth. Try to understand her point, ask her what she wants you to do? Nicely, start from the beginning, tell her everything she wants to know, and explain to her why you didn't tell her about it... Just be honest, patience, understanding, and help her anger go away. Remember, the girls and guys think differently, that's why we fight so much...
I hope things work out, and hope your girlfriend stop accusing you, and being angry at you...
Good luck!
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