A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: A year on i am still struggling with pain and regret over my dad dying. he was in hospital for a month and i thought he was going to come out. i regret so much i never went to the hospital it kills me. i was living the other side of the country at the time and my family didnt keep me informed enough. my partner also put me off going saying my dad will be fine.now everyday i have to live with the pain and regret i cant seem to forgive myself. i never seen him at all. i feel like i failed my dad so much.also my family wouldnt go through with a funeral never even told me why even though i went there for the funeral so my dad is still in the mortuary a year on and i feel like i have had no say in anything pushed out of everything. i really need some advice Reply to this Question
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female
reader, nananette56  +, writes (29 March 2023):
i think it would help you tremendously to go to a Grief Share group. My husband died last year and it has helped me. At least you will have people to talk to that are going through similar circumstances.
A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (29 March 2023):
I'm sorry for your loss.
Perhaps it's time to get some grief counselling.
Cruse are the UK's leading bereavement support charity. You can self-refer, they're free and it doesn't matter how long ago your bereavement occurred.
www.cruse.org.uk
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2023): First, stop blaming others: the family that didn't keep you in the loop, your partner who said you're dad would be fine, the distance... you are an adult and you make your own decisions.
You made the decision NOT to go. Own it. Learn from it.
Why didn't you go? I mean for real? When you hear that someone's in a hospital, you drop everything and you go! Unless there's something else going on. And you need to know what that something else is if you want to heal and be a differennt (better?) person.
Sometimes we can't deal with sickness, death... and it's ok if we know that this is the case and deal with it. The worse thing we can do with any problem sweep it under the rug.
If your family and your artner kept telling you what you wanted to hear, ask yourself why was that the case? Are you prone to crying, breaking down, depression, anxiety...? Sometimes poeple try to protect us in the worst possible way, but make no pistake, when we are adults it is ALWAYS provoked by how we react to things. So if that's the case, learn from it too.
Now, the last thing yuo said is simply irrational and ilegal. You can't keep poeple on ice for that long. What's teh reason they gave you?
Anyway, you can't change the past. And one way to forgive yourself woul dbe to learn from it and correct it. Just saying "you have to forgeive yourself" doesn't mean much. You have to go through the process of grieving and self-discovery.
Before my aunt died, she flat out asked me not to tell anything to her self-absorbed daughter who cared more about her love life (chasing yet another married man) than being with her mother when she was dying. She told me, and I quote: "Please don't say a word to her, I can't take any more of her drama. I need peace." And to this day I kept my promise, although there were times when I wished I could tell her that. Not to hurt her, but to help her understand what REALLY happened. But truth is sometime painful, but always better than lies. I firmly believe that and yet I stilll respect my aunt's dying wish. Just go to show how humans can be irrational.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2023): Why don't you take the initiative and arrange for his funeral yourself? Also I can't understand how they can keep the body in the morgue for so long. I was under the impression that if a body is not claimed after a certain period of time then the authorities will undertake the burial.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2023):
 Instead of beating yourself up for something YOU CAN NOT change, accept it and NEXT time you have a loved one in the hospital, GO see them, even if they are there for a stubbed toe.
OP, you can't change the past.
If you had gone see him, you wouldn't have known then either that he would pass on. After all, that is why you didn't go in the first place.
We ALL have things we regret. Either regret doing or not doing. They nag at us, some more than others.
As for your father still being in the mortuary. No, he isn't, his body is there, your father has gone off to rest in peace and he will always live on in his children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and so forth.
But what is the reason they don't want to go through with a funeral?
Now on to your partner. Either he was trying to stay positive FOR you or he just didn't want you to go. I can't guess which. Ultimately, YOU made the choice not to go. You can't change that. And you can't change that it was your dad's time to go. No one can know that ahead of time.
Mourn your dad, remember your dad. And stop beating yourself up.
If you are religious or spiritual, go talk to a priest, pastor, Father, or rabbi, or just "talk" to your dad.
Forgive yourself.
And lastly, I'm sorry for your loss.
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