A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have have a big problem and I'm at my wits end in dealing with it.I have a mother who I dislike VERY MUCH! I try my best not to use the word "Hate" because it's a word and it has a meaning, but I know for a fact I definitely don't like her, but there are definitely days when I do hate her.My mother is someone who screams and shouts at me EVERY SINGLE DAY, 24/7, no matter what I do, she calls me names and makes me feel dumb, she scrutinizes everything I do. If I call her a name she calls me, she immediately tells me not to call her that and that I'm so disrespectful and immediately starts tell the rest of the outside family how terrible I am even though she did it first.I really am a nice guy. Growing up she didn't allow me to go to movies or friends homes, or just go out period very often. It was school, church and home for me. And now at 21 she pretty much treats me the same way. I'm currently in a nearby college and still live at home so it's a real hassle but I'm not in a position to move out quite yet.She COMPLAINS ALL THE TIME, she screams and tells me her problems like I'm her Therapist or something, and just the fact that she treats me like crap makes it pretty much impossible to be nice to her. I I do something nice for her, she doesn't appreciate it and she blames me for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in her life.I know she's stressed, she's a single parent, we live alone, life was, and is hard on her, she didn't get or do many things she wanted, but is it right that I should be her punching bag. My mother IS NOT someone I can sit down and talk to. Since I was a kid we've maybe had 2 or 3 regular conversations, every other one ends with an argument. If she were to die tomorrow (God forbid) I can't guarantee I'd cry, because I wouldn't miss her.Of all the people in my life my mother is the one who is always trying to bring me down and tell me that I can't. She says things no mother should say to their son and she's a christian at that, a troubled one to me.When I turn to siblings and family they usually tell me to ignore her, because they know how she is, but I can't anymore. Not of my siblings like her and they pretty much feel the same way to her. She's getting worse.She doesn't respect me in any manner or form, so I find it extremely hard to respect her. Not to mention she tells lies on me. I've come to the point where I don't really help around the house anymore because she always finds a way to argue with me about some thing i do.If she comes in on Monday and dinner isn't cooked, she says "Why didn't you cook dinner, I've been working all day blah , blah, blah..." (I've been at school all day)If she comes in on Tuesday and I cooked, she says. "Why did you cook chicken, we had that yesterday, are you dumb or something?"If she comes in on Wednesday and I cook, she says. "Why did you use so much oil? You finished, the flour, you made a mess."Thursday "Why did you cook the beef?" That was for Sunday. What the hell are we going to eat Sunday?" Friday, I don't cook. "You never do anything around the house, why didn't you cook something?"I've told her to go to therapy but she just gets upset, as usual and indicates that she doesn't need it.I'm soooo sick of her. She accuses me of something, anything and sticks to it and believes I'm involve in it. She has accused me of everything in the book, drugs, dropping-out of school, homosexuality, lies, stealing, law- breaking, impregnating, EVERYTHING and makes my life hell.PLEASE tell me what can I do, she's just this bitter old woman who with little to no friends, how can I deal with someone who makes me feel like I'm Satan's spawn.I'm sorry for being so long, but she hurts me like no one else can, she eats away at my happiness, what can I do?I've reach the point where I really don't want a relationship with her anymore. I just want to know how to cope with her now until the day I move out and never return.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Thanks for the advice guys. I guess I'll try a bit harder with her in terms of respect. "Try" being the operative word, she's a real pain, but, I honestly think we've reach a pleteau where nothing can be fixed.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): I understand your current situation. I know you have tough time dealing with your mom. She has no one so close except you. No one is perfect in this world. Your mom is no exception. If people speak to you nicely, it does not mean they love you. In the same way, if your mom is not polite when she interacts with you, it does not mean she does not love you.
She might have other problems which you are unaware of. You seem to be a caring son. If you leave her alone, it will be a great loss to her and she might not handle it and God alone knows what might happen to her. I am sure you do not want to lose your mom. You will get everything in the world, but parents.
She is making you a tough man and you will do wonders when you start your professional life. If she thinks you have done something wrong, then try to understand what went wrong. If you see you are at fault, here you get a chance to correct yourself. If you think she is wrong, explain to her politely and if she does not understand, do not argue with her.
With your mom blessings, you will be successful in everything you do both professionally and personally. If you don't treat her with respect, your would be partner will be very tough on her.
She is your mom and give her the respect she deserves even when she abuses. If she sees her abusive words have no impact on you, she might quit that.I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 I really feel for you. Its tough when the one person that should love you and think the world of you is falling apart! It sounds like your mother is not coping well with life. She could be filled with resentment and anger at the world for the way things worked out for her (or didn't). She is lucky to have a caring son like you and I hope for both your sakes she wakes up to the fact.
No matter how bad your mother is... try to give her the respect that goes with the title. If she calls you names, don't reciprocate. Don't come to her level. She could also be fishing for an argument to vent her frustrations.
If you cook and she complains, just bear in mind that you have done the right thing and whatever problems she finds are her own and SHE needs to deal with them. If you look at the other side of this... she will make you strong and immune to any criticism out there!!
If I were you, I would just do what I need to do - study, cook whatever keeping my head low and stay out of her line of fire. Let her make-up her own fights and battle them on her own. Good luck.. i hope your course is almost over.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 Hi,
I am very sorry that you are going through so much... At first, I was going to tell you to love and respect your mother no matter what, since I lost my mother 9 years ago. My mother was completely different though...an angel, bestfriend, provider, amazing woman, amazing mother, always supported me, even when I knew I was wrong... Now that she's not here anymore, I realize how much she did for me..I have so many regrets....
Anyways, in your case, I think you are an amazing son... I know you feel guilty for feeling this way about your mother, but I don't blame you... So far, you've shown amazing character, patience, its only so much a human being can take! Dispite the fact that you have all this anger towards your mom, its very admirable to see that you still try to help her around the house, cooking, etc...
As you know, life has been hard on your mother, she was not born this way, but life, events, people that were part of her life made her this way... Overall, its all very sad, because its not her fault... She's a victim of society, sometimes, life is very unfair to good people. Being a single parent, raising and supporting family alone must be very difficult, its a lot ot responsibility for one person, and unfortunately she's taking out on you...because you are the only...
She's stress, feel lonely, scared, and probably depress.. She knows, but its hard for her to admit she has a problem.. Also, she probably cannot affort therapy even if she wants.
Unfortunately, she's a grown adult, and its almost impossible for her to change, will take a lot of effort of her part, and the support of your family... She needs someone to listen to her, understand her, support her, help her, and specially she needs love...but all that won't matter if she's not willing to change, admit and accept that she has a problem.
Advice for you: pretty much just be there, and continue helping her as much as you can. Try, (I know its hard), not to talk back to her, or call her names. When she's mad, you being defensive will only make things worst. I guess, yelling at you, its her way of releasing the anger and the stress...
No matter what, please never quit school, because nowdays if you don't have a degree its almost impossible to get a good job..you need to finish school, you need to be successful, and live a happy, healthy life. Make your mother an example to study hard, never struggle with money.. You see in first hand what happens to people when they don't make the right decisions.. When you meet your soulmate, be loving, appreciate, never mistreat people in general.
The life you are living now should be more than enough reason why you should always work hard. I know for sure you'll accomplish everything you want.. You've shown a lot of strengh so far... Be strong, hang in there, when you become a successful professional, happy with your life, then you will be able to help your mom more and hopefully give her, and provide her with some peace and happiness after all...
Good luck to you!
Hope this helps..
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