A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Really complicated situation. Struggling with what is morally right. I have a friend who is a girl. We have know each other for nearly 15yrs. She is one of my closest friends I ever had. Our connection is spiritual, emotional and mental. She studied in my country before going back home to hers. Since then, we try to visit each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year and speak all the time on Facebook etc. About 4yrs ago on a visit, we ended up being intimate. I've never had a relationship with a woman but neither of us have felt so strongly connected to another person so it just felt right and natural. At the same time we recognised we could never actually be together. I can't move there due to my career and school commitments etc and she can't move here as she had an elderly relative she needs to look after. Nonetheless we were both happy with being in each other's lives and sharing this unique sort of love. Since then, we have continued to visit each other as before and sometimes we are intimate and sometimes not. Our relationship and friendship is a bit different but beautiful and we don't conform to normality. But it is a love that exists as it does and we are both happy with how it is.I have been with a guy now for a year. He loves me and I him. Since I have been with him I had not seen her in that time partly because of finances and partly as I was not sure how moral it will be to visit her now etc. My bf knows about the relationship I had with her. At first he didn't understand but then he grew to understand the long and powerful bond we have. She asked me to visit her and that she will buy my flight as she misses me. My boyfriend said he is ok with me going to see her. He said he understands how important she is to me and that he isn't threatened by my relationship with her and that he just wants me to be happy. And if anything he is encouraging me to go. She also knows about him etc. I have told him that part of me feels it is wrong as I don't want to feel it's unfair in him or even that I don't want to put myself in a situation if something sexual happened. Cos I think it's cheating. He said if anything sexual did happen he would be ok and that it's not cheating as he knows and told me it's ok.So I'm confused. I desperately want to see my old friend but I'm also scared if it feels wrong. And I'm also scared if something intimate did happen. What if down the line my bf then wanted to sleep with another woman and said it's fair as I did (Though he says that would never happen and that it won't be the same as it's not a man I would have slept with). I'm just really confused with my moral of what I think is "right" and I don't want to potentially hurt anyone...though everyone else involved seems ok and accepting of the situation. Advice needed.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): Start by asking if are you as committed to your boyfriend as if you are married to him? If yes, then you would unfaithful to your BF if you took another lover. Male or female, doesn’t matter. This is what your moral compass is telling you, and I agree. Morals are morals, and are not bendable, no matter how very tempting it would be. (And morals should be the same for everyone – but that’s a whole other discussion).
Your boyfriend loves you and is leaving the decision in your hands. But you know it would be wrong to have sex with her – it would be unfaithful and it could jeopardize your relationship in the future. Tell him that you appreciate his trust in you, but you will not be unfaithful to him.
Your old friend very likely would still like to be your lover, and she is much less concerned about your relationship with your BF. But again, you have decided what is right.
So whether or not you visit your girlfriend (GF) depends if you want to be ‘just friends’ with her. If your answer is yes, then phone her (for heaven sake do not email). Tell her openly and clearly you would love to visit, to be her friend, but will no longer be her lover as you are committed to your BF and you just want that to be perfectly clear before your visit. Do not waver; do not accept any arguments to tempt you. Hopefully she will agree, will respect your wishes, will not try to tempt you and you will be friends forever.
Is there no other way? Yes. Lie. Go visit. Have sex. Tell your BF that you did not. Still unfaithful, but he does not know. But your moral struggle will likely give away your secret. If you are committed it is not worth taking the chance.
End of lecture. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (13 August 2015):
 We could tell you what our morals might dictate in similar circumstances, but what's the point? The morals that matter are yours. You're not putting this solution out to a popular vote, right?
How about trying this, flip the situation all around. Imagine if your boyfriend were the one experiencing this dilemma. How would you feel? Imagine that you are your friend, or someone who might become involved with your friend. What if your friend were with someone else, what then?
You two have been friends a long time, and obviously have a lot of history. That being said, is this relationship holding you back from some personal growth? Or does it enhance you and your boyfriend's life in a meaningful way?
I do want to point out one sentence you wrote: "And I'm also scared if something intimate did happen." You wrote that in the passive tense. If something intimate did happen. A more accurate sentence might be: "I'm scared if I decide to get intimate with her." Because that's what it is, a decision.
You sound so conflicted at this point that I don't really think you are ready to go.
What if her goal is to break you two up? Is that something you can deal with?
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