A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Dear CupidsI have been seeing a man as just friends for about three months, we only see each other every couple of weeks or so as we live about 90 miles apart. We've been out for meals and outings and he's always been very attentive - flowers, the perfect gentleman, and has even written me a very sweet letter. We email each other a couple of times a week.This coming Sunday we are due to go to an event organised by a society of which he is a member. The event is huge and covers a large area. It is just outside a village about 35 miles from me and about 90 miles from him. About a month ago he told me that he would try to get me a free ticket to the event (he will have a free ticket as he's a member). He also knows that the event is being held outside the village where my ex husband and his new partner live, so he knows that I am wary about going anywhere near there. Last weekend he offered to come and pick me up and drive me to the event, but said that it would be super early as he wants to get a member's parking space and the spaces fill up early. Although I said that I could be ready for an early start, after discussion it transpired that really he wanted to make his own way to the event and meet me there, so I agreed to that. He then gave me directions as to where to find him once I'm inside the event.He has not said anything more about the free ticket for me. This is not a problem as paying for the entrance isn't an issue, and I think he's just forgotten. But I felt special when he said that he would try to get me the ticket.So, I am now having to drive alone through the village I don't want to go near (having never driven that way before), try to find somewhere to park, pay to get in to the event, then find my way to where he will be with his friends - none of whom I have yet met. He, on the other hand, drives to somewhere he knows having been to the annual event for many years, gets easy parking, and will be nice and relaxed with people he knows while waiting for me to arrive. He hasn't even suggested that he meets me at the entrance when I arrive.It seems that I am making all the effort for this day and that he is just going to be somewhere and with people he knows well. Whereas it is all unfamiliar to me and I am having to make my way there. I sent him an email on Monday confirming my arrival time and haven't yet heard back from him (3 days).I know I probably sound silly, but he's always made me feel special and looked after. This time I just feel that I am tagging along with him rather than us being together for the day (which is what he originally led me to understand that the day would be). So I will be on my own having to get there and find him, and am feeling very nervous and apprehensive, and slightly taken for granted. Plus he hasn't replied to my email about my arrival at the event. Do you think I am being unreasonable for feeling like this? Do you think I should ask him to at least meet me at the entrance?Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice.
View related questions:
flowers, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): Femmenoir is right, this man is already taking for granted that you are an item, without really having done all that much work. If you accept the terms he's proposing for this outing, then I fear it will be downhill from here.I'd personally bow out of this one. I made the mistake of 'tagging along' to hundreds of my ex-partner's events, not realising until far too late in the day that I was the proverbial 'trophy wife' (except not married) - just there to look good for him, in front of his friends eyes. Some men do this knowingly, to others it's just second nature because they are fundamentally selfish. My ex was a bit of both, but he certainly had no idea how to treat me like a girlfriend - even after 18 years we were like 'mates' but I was also expected to do this 'girlfriend' appearance routine over and over again. It sucked. Set your terms early on, I wish I had!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): Hello everyone, this is the OP here
Thank you all so much for your really helpful responses. You all made me realise that I'm not overreacting or being silly.
The man and I are still officially just friends, but I have felt that he has been courting me lately, and I like that. But this behaviour has all those sirens sounding and red flags waving. Especially as I still haven't heard from him 4 days after my last email to him confirming the plans for Sunday.
So, I have emailed him to ask him to come and meet me at the entrance. I've told him that I will text him once I'm about to buy my ticket. I didn't explain why I wanted him to come and meet me, I just asked if he would do it.
If he says no, then I will think long and hard about whether I should go. If he says yes, then that's good.
But I'm going to make sure that nothing like this happens again if I'm going to carry on seeing him. He has to meet me at least half way on something like this.
I'll keep you all posted.
Thank you all again for all your help and sound advice :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): I actually think the idea of bowing out gracefully is a really good one. Truth be told, I am old fashioned a feel like men need to up their game in pursuing woman. If they cant do it at the start they are only going to get more and more complacent.
If you pull out it might make him rethink his actions, and try a bit harder to get you by his side next time.
They say dont be too available, so this might help.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (13 August 2015):
 Hi again,
i thought i would also add, that this new man in your life, should have bought you that ticket, rather than inform you that he'd try to get you a ticket.
Actually, i cannot see why he couldn't have bought the ticket for you, considering you've only begun dating some mths ago & this would have been a super nice gesture on his part.
I suspect he has a job, so 1 ticket for the woman he really likes, would not & should not be a serious problem.
Btw, he is asking you to drive a fairly long way, to meet up with he & his friends. You are going out of your way too & you even have to find parking, pay for the entry fee, search for him etc;.
Also, he shouldn't have offered to pick you up, give you hope, then decide he cannot do it anymore.
I am sorry, but with all due respect, this spells pretty flaky behaviour to me.
If he is not so consistent now & it's only early days, i suspect he'll only get worse with time.
What you do, is ultimately up to you, but do think carefully about this mans behaviour, regardless of how much you like him.
Think with your head, before you think with your heart.
Again, all the best & please let me know how you get on. :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (13 August 2015):
 Hi
I would just bow out gracefully on this one with a nice excuse
I think you know this day will not be about you and him having a nice date, it'll be about him indulging his hobby.
See him another time on an equal footing x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 August 2015):
 You could suggest a compromise.
You park at the outskirt of the village (let's say the event opens at 8am) and he picks you up there at 7.40am - plenty of time to park at the "members area" and you two walk in together.
I DO think he should go out of his way to pick you up at home. It's like a date, is it not? I see nothing wrong in that approach.
It it's a bigger event how are you supposed to go find him? Let's say he suggest you meet at the fountain at 9am - when he says fountain he means the big one or his favorite one (given this is an outdoor even) but there are maybe more than one. Or you had trouble finding a good safe parking spot close enough so you are 5 minutes late... I know you can text etc, but I think him picking you up just makes more sense.
Or you can suggest you will text him when you are getting close to the entrance, so he can come pick you up. Having to run around a BIG event (indoors or out doesn't matter) to find someone is annoying, shooting off a text and he walks to the entrance makes sense.
I find it odd that he hasn't replied yet. If e-mailing is the normal way you two communicate with each other. Now I would give him a day more then call him and see what's up.
I don't think it's you tagging along, I think it's YOU being introduced to friends in a neutral area. So I still think it's about you and him.
But I DO think it's a little rude that he makes all these suggestions (like come pick you up, getting you a free ticket etc) and then when it comes down to it.. he suggest you "just" show up...
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 August 2015):
 If he's a real gentleman, he would have already asked to meet at the entrance since I suspect he must know by now of your trepedations about going in alone. Since he hasn't suggested it by now, you should suggest it by saying. "You know how shy I am around folks I don't know so could you please meet me at the enterance at___o'clock?" If he says no then don't go. No sense in feeling wierd all afternoon. Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (13 August 2015):
Hi,
i can definitely relate to you. Firstly, no, you are not being unreasonable @ all!
You are in the midst of the dating process, but you've both been dating for a fair while now, (even though you don't get together too often), & as he's always been the gentlemsn, he should continue to do so, not just for 2, 3, 4 or 5 mths, but ongoingly.
Yes, sure, relationships evolve, change, grow with time, but some things should never change & you should demand to be treated as the lady that you are, regardless of the passage of time, or whatever his circumstances are surrounding this upcoming event/outing together.
This is where you have to be in control, as he is not a mind reader & doesn't know what you want/need.
The fact is, that when men are dating women, they will be on their best behaviour & regrettably, once you have become an exclusive item, the man won't have to work so hard anymore, for you are now his special lady, he doesn't feel the need to keep the chase up, meaning he doesn't have to try as hard to win you over.
Why? Because you're both now exclusive, you're an item.
He has what he wants, but you need to tend to the relationship ongoingly, in order for it's survival.
This is where you must show him that you are a prize worth fighting for. You must make him work hard to earn your commitment, to have you in his life.
This is not being arrogant or nasty, or even bitchy, it's a fact & if you don't know your own self-worth, how on earth is he expected to see it?
I am not implying that you don't respect yourself, or that you don't know your own self-worth, but you must make him see that you are a gem, a rare diamond, so that he never takes you forgratnted & if you do as he suggests, then you are doing all the hard work.
If he truly likes, appreciates, but above all respects you, he will come to either pick you up, or meet you @ the entrance, especially knowing about your ex husband & his new partner, but above all, simply because you don't know where to go, you don't feel too comfy having to search for him & especially as he's with his friends, whom you don't even know.
He definitely should have offered to drive you there, it's the proper way for a gentleman to treat his new lady friend & it's the courteous way of introducing you to his friends. It's his nice way, of making you feel more comfy & relaxed.
Also, beware of the fact that he hasn't yet replied to your email, after 3 days, although he could well be very busy & simply hasn't had time, to check his inbox.
I would assume here though, that if he is that keen on you, that interested in you, that he'd be itching to check, just to see if you've replied.
This would also imply that he cares for you, as a person & a potential future partner.
The fact is that a quick reply, shows serious interest & intent on his part.
How do i know? Because most men i have known, have told me this, plus my fiance did this religiously with me. He was truly consistent.
Remember, do not ever ignore those early red flags, because they could be sparing you a huge amount of pain & heartache in the future.
I do hope it all works out for you, but do place yourself first & foremost. If you feel uneasy, somewhat unhappy, feel taken forgranted, feeling somewhat unfulfilled, feeling neglected already, so early in this new relationship, then you need to question the longevity of this relationship & you must listen carefully to your inner voice, because it may be telling you something important.
I am not implying that this relationship is doomed, or that he's a bad guy, of course not, but sometimes things don't go the way in which we'd like & if that makes us feel truly unhappy then we must voice our opinions & state what we really want.
A man likes it when a woman tells him what she really wants, so if you'd like him to pick you up, drive you there, tell him & don't be afraid.
If you are afraid of voicing your preferences, then you must ask yourself, why?
You & he are new i know, but you should not be afraid to let him know how you truly feel & if even, after letting him know what you truly would prefer & he still cannot make a few necessary changes to his own schedule, then you really need to ask yourself if this new relationship is even worth pursuing.
You are a gorgeous woman, he's lucky to have found you, have met you, to be granted the honour & priviledge of dating you, so don't let him forget this.
He would rate himself highly, i am certain & you need to do the same.
You treat him with the utmost respect, so you deserve the same treatment.
One of the best aspects of early dating, or long term dating, is when the man you're falling for, picks you up, drives you here & there.
My fiance opens doors for me, when we go out & we've been together a long time now. I still & always will love that!
This is not about sexism, it's not about being demanding, it's simply about some of those wonderful old fashioned virtues that we women, love in a man, yes, even the modern man!
Time itself, should never change that & yes, women can/do pick up their partners too obviously, but in the early days/stages, it's kinda nice for him to offer & yes, we women love to feel special & important, just as men love to feel loved, respected & appreciated too.
I am a modern woman & we are all equals in my personal opinion & i am not implying here that a woman cannot do things for herself, nor is this about a woman needing to be babied, or treated like a little girl.
Again, i stipulate, it's about all those lovely old fashioned virtues, that time cannot & will not change.
Many women may say, that they don't care for all the fussing & that's fine, that's ok, but if ever, they've been exposed to such wonderful male habits/attributes, not one woman, would say that she rejects the offer.
Nobody that i have ever met anyway, in fact, we all love & demand of it.
Hold your head up high & be strong in what you want in your life.
You have been through the pain of divorce & you don't want to go through anything like that ever again, i am sure.
All the very best to you & please let me know how you get on. :-)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): brill! well done! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): This is the OP here.
Rebecca c - thank you so much for your answer and especially for the third option (which my gut tells me is the right option). You've just given me the kick up the backside that I needed! I also think I needed the sensible perspective of someone else as it's been whirling around in my head for days.
You are absolutely right, I will be brave and fearless and just get on with it and go and find him there without making any kind of fuss. I know he wants me there with him. I just think he's very caught up in the fact that he's seeing friends that he may not have seen for a while, so probably very excited.
Thank you :-)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): hi there.up until this point it seems this has been a lovely start to your relationship. I guess you have a couple of choices here. One is you come clean and tell him you are feeling anxious about the day, and why- he'll be there with his friends, you don't know anyone and he'll be relaxed etc....given this would it be okay for him to meet you at the entrance? second one is to decide not to go- although he has been clear he wants you there which is nice.third is to decide that you have been through all these years of your life facing lots of difficult situations, and you damn well are gonna do this with confidence....or at least carry it off like you have confidence for anyone looking!come on! you don't need a man to hold your hand all the time- he wants youthere, and you are sstill early on in your relationship. ...you can do this my lovely!! x
...............................
|
