A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 59 yr. old man.my wife passed away 22 months ago.i met a much younger woman about a year after my wife passed.i immediately had a liking for her although i know i wasn't ready for a relationship.so as time progressed i began to like her more and more.but before i go any further she has a boyfriend.but i don't think that she can reach her full potential while with him.go figure.as the story goes they ended up being roommates!i do love her.she is 21 years old,has a great personality and she is pretty.all three of us have talked about the situation.i told them early on i did not want to interfere with there relationship,it's been very difficult for me but well worth the wait if it's meant to be.i've cried about the prospect of never getting together with her.i can't see myself with any other woman.any thought's ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2015):
 I agree with Honeypie 100%.
She has a boyfriend and she knows how you feel so she is making it clear that she is NOT interested in you as a love interest.
IN addition what YOU believe about her potential is just that YOUR personal belief. AND not your concern.
I am a huge supporter of AGE GAP relationships...
my best friend is young enough to be my daughter and folks assume I am her mother all the time.
my husband is 13 yrs younger than I am.
but in this case a 59 yr old man with life experience is not an appropriate partner for a 21 yr old girl....
STOP thinking totally about yourself... if you really care for her you want her happy... even if that is without YOU.
if you are not in therapy I suggest finding a counselor that can help you figure out why you think a girl nearly 40 years younger than you is an appropriate partner.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): My condolences for your loss, dear sir. The young lady you've become fixated on, must have many of the qualities that reminds you of your beloved deceased wife. You are still in the throws of grief.
The young woman's rejection of your fondness for her, triggers feelings of loss. Your emotions for her are more tied to the loss of your wife. Your loneliness combined with that residual grief is distorting your processing of her pulling away. It makes you feel that same profound sense of loss that you felt when your wife passed-on. You may benefit from some grief counseling. And, some good old-fashioned common-sense.
You are seeing love from the wrong perspective. It doesn't always matter whether you can provide better; it matters whether she wants you in the same way, and with the same intensity. You're old enough to know better, but you're not thinking straight. You also hold a completely different set of values, and come from an entirely different era in time.
You should take a long vacation in an exotic place, to clear your head. You also need to tack on a few more years to the woman to whom you wish to direct your romantic pursuits. Trying to convince these young people to see things your way makes you look like an antiquated and desperate old man. You come across more like her father, than a romantic interest.
Sir, that is beneath your dignity. You need more time to deal with your grief and loss. You also need some help to deal with the absence of the woman you loved and lost. Even if your marriage wasn't really that good, she may have passed on before you ever resolved certain issues, that didn't give you the closure you need.
Sorry, if I'm off-target. I may be, but I doubt I've completely missed the mark.
Her potential is not your responsibility. Whatever she is capable of, or may want in her future; is up to her to decide and discover. If she has parents, they'll provide her the guidance she needs. You are quite arrogant, if not presumptuous, to place yourself in that position. Grief-induced, or not.
Your feelings sound more like obsession; than healthy attraction to a female. Get the counseling. It might help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): hi. I can't even imagine how awful it would have been to have lost your wife whilst you were still only in your fifties. You are by no means old; however I have to say It is my opinion a 21 yr is way way too young for anyone touching 60. I don't imagine this would be your situation if you hadn't lost your wife, I doubt you would have formed this attachment towards her, and i cant help but wonder if this is still part of grieving you are doing? I wonder if this girl reminds you of your youth, or your wife, or has qualities about her that take you away from your current situation of being a widower at still a young age.whatever the attraction, she is way too young my friend....I'm sure you know this already really, this isn't realistic to pursue and she is showing you this.Please think about what there is that you are either involved in or want to be involved in that will allow you opportunities to form friendships with women who are older - I don't doubt you are an attractive man to many women. best of luck x
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (13 August 2015):
 First off, my sincere condolences for the loss of your wife.
About this girl - I think you need to realize that what you're hoping for is very, very unlikely to happen, no matter how much you might desire it. I have seen age gaps of ten or even twenty years that result in apparently functional relationships. I was even in one briefly - I dated a 40-year-old for a few months when I was 19 before realizing I did NOT want to place the limits on my future that would have come with that relationship - but your situation is well beyond that. I don't mean to be harsh, but you are three times her age. Such relationships typically don't exist in real life except for very wealthy men who have essentially "bought" naive (or in some cases calculating!) young women to share their beds in exchange for having their every whim indulged - shopping, hair and makeup, expensive vacations, and so on.
In your case she is evidently aware of your feelings (and I'm very curious as to how she and her partner reacted when you told them!) but has CHOSEN to continue her relationship with her boyfriend despite knowing you are also an option. Meaning: all things considered, she prefers him to you. Again, I don't mean to be harsh, but I think it's important for you to understand that every day she stays in her current relationship and doesn't come running to you is a "no" to your offer of a relationship with you. She knows you're available. She just isn't interested.
From a third-party perspective it is very easy to understand why she might have reservations. Honeypie has already touched on several of them. She is very young, still discovering her identity. She's never experienced the "firsts" you lived decades ago. She doesn't have the emotional baggage of a past marriage or a lost spouse. She may want to experience life's milestones at a different pace than you can sync with - some, you may never be able to give her. By the time she wants children, if she does, you may have difficulty fathering them. Even if it's biologically possible, she may find herself effectively a single mother as you lose the strength and mobility to participate actively in their care. When she is 35-45 and in her prime physically and sexually you will be 73-83. You may require assistance in walking or daily activities, and you may no longer be physically capable of having sex. Do you think this would be a good "deal" for your crush if she left her boyfriend for a life with you? Is this a situation you would want for your daughter, if you had one?
My thoughts are these: you would be best served to try and move on from your infatuation with this girl. There is nothing that says you must only desire women closer in age to you, but I think you will have much better luck (and many more to pick from) if you focus on meeting women who are, say, 40s-50s rather than college coeds. You have a lot to offer the right woman, but RIGHT for you includes someone who is in a position to appreciate and connect with the considerable life experience you already have. Even if she wasn't spoken for, this girl is way too young for that.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 August 2015):
 I will give yo the same advice I give to anyone in your situation.
SHE has a BF, she has CHOSEN to BE with him because she loves him and care for him.
It's really THAT simple. SHE has a partner. That makes HER off limits.
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Whether you think she can reach her potential with him or not is really irrelevant. She may not reach her potential with you either. What her potential is.. is up to her. NOT you. Whether she will reach it, it up to her... NOT you.
She is 21. BARELY an adult. BARELY done maturing into a grown up - she is at the point where many many things are brand new, exiting, confusing etc. YOU on the other hand.. well, you have been there done that... 30 years ago.
She might want kids in the next 10 years - let's say she wait till she is 30 (which is pretty common these days) you would be 68 with a newborn. 74/75 when the kid starts school.
While I really don't have "issues" with age gaps ( I think it works well for many couples) but she is 21~ She shouldn't want to settle down with a man who is old enough to be her grandfather and I think it's kind of selfish of you to WANT that for her. And she should WANT to settle down at 21 either. She should make goals and aim for the stars.
What is it that YOU think you can give this GIRL that no one else can?
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