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female
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*imberlina
writes: Iv'e been having a relationship on and off for more than 3 years now with a man who is 9 years younger.I am 42 and have 2 grown up children, I'm educated and have just become a grandmother on xmas day,(which he made a sarcastic remark about me becoming a grandmother).My problem is that every now and then I get the feeling that I'm not entirely happy in my relationship.He doesn't live with me and we just get together when ever possible. We don't go out much, just stay at his small granny flat. He has never been married or had children. I am about to have an operation in Feb 2006 to fix Endometreosis and thought I could have a Hysterectomy at the same time. He has tried to talk me out of it but doesn't say if it's because he would like to make me his wife. The thing is I am straight out when it comes to love and after 3 years you would have thought that he might know what he wants by now.When ever I confront him he either tries to avoid it or says can't you be happy for what it is, meaning our relationship. And in truth I can't see him as a potential companion when I'm old and grey.Only because I expect things to grow and I am at a stand still with him and don't know where it's going.I have had to let others pass me by who seem more interested in me than he is. And I feel guilty about it,even though I have done nothing wrong.And I continue to be loyal to him instead.What do I do, wait for him to dump me for the woman he wants to have children with? When I might be too old to find someone who will really love me,or how do I take steps to end the relationship and for good. I really feel like this was too much for me as it is affecting my self esteem,i've even started taking pills just to get through the day because I'm so depressed.I told him how it was affecting me and he decided that for xmas he couldn't think of a material gift that would make me happy but thought he should buy me something because I bought him a present.I got a xmas card saying to a lover and a friend and a book from a second hand store about a story about Rabbits as he loves them.What possesses someone to think like this. This hurt me more because he felt obligated to buy me something.Am I expecting too much?Am I selfish? I cry when ever I think about this problem I have with him and I'm fed up with confronting him. And to top it off he behaves like a teenage boy and has no experience. Please help I would appreciate some advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (29 December 2005):
 You are not selfish, nor are you expecting too much from this 'boy'. You are expecting an equal and loving relationship which you deserve and which he cannot seem to give.
Don't confront him again; simply say to him calmly that you are no longer happy and exactly what you would like from a relationship. Give him a list of your wants and ask him whether he is able to contribute to your relationship.
Judge for yourself from his response whether he is worth taking more time on. This is to give him one last chance but looking at your words, it seems he isn't right for you at all (if he would even be right for anyone).
Don't wait for him to dump you (which I don't think he will do as I believe he could be in the relationship because of the security it offers him rather than the intimacy). Instead, take more control of your life. Forget about him for a moment and go out and find some confidence elsewhere, whether it be through work or play (join a group, for example, something you've always wanted to do). Make a list of goals you would like to achieve for the new year and set about accomplishing them.
Don't stay loyal to a man who isn't capable of offering you what you deserve. Remember that if you do decide the relationship isn't working, the longer you are with him, the longer it will take for you to meet the right man.
Suggest to him to shape up or ship out and set about planning your life just for you.
I hope this helps.
A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (29 December 2005):
 Great question. I would ask you to re-read it. Apart from the fact that you are somehow "with" this guy - and you don't say how you originally hooked up, there is not even the slightest hint in your question as to WHY you are together. You have nothing positive to say about him; maybe you are right and he has no redeeming qualities. Or, it could just be that you are blind to them.
Whatever, with nothing positive going for it this relationship is doomed to bring you both down to the lowest level you would hit as individuals.
On that basis you are better off apart. The sooner the better.
Relationships *should* bring you both up and multiply what you have. They should be fun, loving, exciting, dangerous, sexy. I see none of that here.
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