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male
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anonymous
writes: I am having a problem that really is hurting me and I have absolutely no idea what to do. For over a decade, I dated bad women. Liars, thiefs, cheats, no emotions, no ambition.Well, nearly 8 months ago I met a woman whom I absolutely loved. She is smart, intelligence, beautiful, great job, and a good family. Someone who I can seriously say I love, trust, and when I look into her eyes, I see my children in the future. We started dating, loving, and being together and it was good. Within a few weeks, something wasnt right. She didnt trust me and I felt I could never make her happy. I love her smile but she does it so inoften its a treat when she does, but I wish she would smile more. When we first moved in together is when I first noticed her temper. I have moved a new times in my life but she only moved once to move out of her parents. When we were moving she was intensely angry about everything I did. From hiring the movers, to the boxes to the placement of the boxes when they were brought up. I didnt mind, I understood that she was nervous. It was her first time living with someone and I understood her apprehension and anger. But it got worse. Over the months, she never trusted anything I did.So I began to do things to prove my trust. From making her listen to me order Chinese (the place screwed up the order last time, and she blamed me, even though it was written down correctly), to reading my email, checking the browser history on my computer to making her buy the correct detergent because she thought my detergent was ruining her cloths. Last night really left me in a tizzy and now I am angry and confused and I feel like she doesnt understand what she is doing. She went out with her friends and I told her to go and have a good time, I trust her to make the right decisions. Well, she came home, and told me she smoked pot. Well, I dont like it in the extreme BUT I trust her to know her limits. I didnt make a deal of it at all. I trust her, and I know she is a independent woman who can make her own decisions what she wants to do. I gave up drinking any alcohol even when her parents offered me some because I knew it affected her emotionaly (alcoholism in her fam). Last night I was cuddling in bed with her, and I have started to fall asleep. As any guy knows, asking a question when half asleep in wrong. Well, I said something and she blew up. I woke up instantly and she started yelling. I apologized and asked what I said. "I saw a picture of you online" is what she told me I said. I did see a picture of her today and I left work early so we can be "alone" before her night out. Apparently she took it as me looking at porn and was yelling at me for it. If you were one of my employee's you know, I have NO time for any of that and I am so stressed at work, I couldnt even begin to look for it. This morning, she woke me up because we went to bed late (12:15 was the yelling) and I offered to make breakfast like I do. She was quiet, and about 3 hours of silence and me offering to make breakfast than lunch, she said she was still mad at me. Which I told her was wrong, because she knows that I have a habit of falling instantly asleep when I get to bed and this isnt the first time that she asked me questions when I am half asleep and got the wrong answer. I told her it was wrong to hold that against me. She got ready and stormed out and said she wasnt coming home tonight and that we were over. Now, keep in mind, everytime we have a fight, she says it is over. I dont consider it real and I have learned to accept that she doesnt trust me, but its now getting old and I am tired of being blamed for everything. Now I know, this question is long, but I am sitting here frustrated, confused, angry, and dumbfounded. I dont know the answer, I dont know what to do, and I am scared I might loose the only woman whom I truely love and I want to be with for the rest of my life but I cant deal with her not trusting me. I want to get married to her but I feel like if the constantly cloud of anger directed to me isnt lifted, I just might go insane or leave, and I dont want to do that. What do I do?
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ambition, at work, liar, moved in, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): anger management sounds needed. individual counselling sounds needed. She has no way of knowning how to deal with her feelings. She may have come from what "appeared" a good, normal home but I say otherwise.
Living in a home where there is no unconditional love will make them believe they are worthless and unloved and they will lack the teachings on how to address and overcome issues.
Write her a thoughtful letter. In it tell her what you love and appreciate about her. Tell her what you want in a marriage and from a wife.
Tell her you want these from her. You chose her. Reassure.
Look for a couple's counsellor and make an appointment and tell her. It is her choice if she wishes to go.
In the end; she must be willing to work on the relationship and commit to it just as much as you do.
If this does not seem to be a likely course; you must end it otherwise she will continue to neglect your needs and be abusive to you.
Your kind nature to someone who could better understand it and appreciate it would not be taken as an enabling trait.
Just know that your love and concern for her and your willingness to please her is more destructive then you or her can imagine.
I agree with Wild Thaing in that boundaries need to be set but is she going to be responsive and open to this or see it as an attack?
Counselling. Anger management. Work. Sacrifice. Communicate. Love. Respect.
You both need this of yourself and from the other.
Take care and hang in there.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (23 July 2006):
 You sure do put up with a lot of drama from this woman. I will call it like it is - Her conduct is appalling and disrespectful.
Have you considered that your choices allow her to continue to treat you so poorly, and worse yet, deny you the opportunity to hold her to account for her unacceptable and abusive behaviour?
If you think this relationship is worth saving then you need to put this behaviour to a stop. Set boundaries on her conduct so that knows that you will not tolerate inconsiderate and disrespectful behaviour.
If you can succeed in setting boundaries then this is just the start. I have more observations I could share about your relationship but I will send a separate response if you wish to see them. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI read your responses, but please keep in mind, I didnt create the title of the message, the admin of this site does. I dont consider her psycho, I just dont understand her responses.
First, we both have had problems with relationships in the past, both been cheated on, both with people we couldnt trust and both with people that used and abused us.
We have been talking to each other alot and we have discussed it in the past. But one thing that disturbs me, is that in a past relationship that she had, a person had a terrible porn issue, and as soon as anything remotely pornographic is brought up, she gets very upset. Now what is unique, is that when she went out with her girls, she was going to a "toy" party for adults. She also will watch porn, but is always the person who initiates it. So I get confused over that, I am beginning to wonder if it is a control issue or not.
We have had discussions and she has confessed to me that she getting intensely angry intensely quick for such little things, and believe me I spent many a night crying over her because of that. She said she wants to seek counceling over her anger issues and I am more than willing to go if she needs me. I have absolutely no issue about seeing a couples therapist over this.
Now here comes the other issue, which I have been trying to understand how to approach her.
When we argue, I will sit there and listen intently on every word she has to say, but when I begin, she gets up and walks out. I try to call her on the phone, hung up immediately, txt'd her, and it's received but not responded. I try to go into the bedroom and she slams the door in my face, and refuses to listen to my side. Now we talked about that but it doesnt seem to get resolved.
I have changed my whole life for her, changed my activities, my friends, how I eat and drink and I feel like I have changed everything for her, but she hasnt changed anything for me. Not that I want her to change, but accept some of the things that I am.
I have supported her in her weight loss, supported her when she wanted to change jobs, and accepted her friends even when I didnt like them.
Again, sorry for the title, but I didnt create it. I dont think she is a psycho, I think of more of her than that, I just dont know how to approach her without her completely storming out and not willing to discuss it. The first couple of months of our relationship, we would sit on each side of the room on seperate couch's and discuss our issues. I felt that was the best time to understand her, but we havent had that in months I dont know how to discuss things with her. I am listening but I cant speak.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): One other thing; some men are so quick to label a woman who is hurting and struggling and feels as if she is being unheard as "psyhco", "unstable", "emotional" and this is a form of abuse so please avoid such labels in the future.
No woman likes being called these things; it is the male equivalent of saying you have a small penis, you are sexually incompetent and don't know how to please a woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): It is apparent that due to lack of trust (which without a fuller explanation as to why that would occur and your role in the loss of trust sounds one sided...so I hesitate to really believe it is all her) and lack of communication that the relationship is quickly erroding.
Lack of communication is more than not being able to talk to someone else; it also means not being able to listen.
Both parties must be able to chose their words carefully to better get their point across without pointing a finger of blame on the other. Being able to feel enough respect and trust for another person will make it easier to come to them when you are need and wanting to ask of the other to help you and love you the way you need.
Both parties must be also willing to listen to the other and pause on the impulse re-act to what is being said and they must pause and reflect on what was said.
Are you willing to say what may I have done that would have allowed this person to view my actions, words or my inaction as me wroning them or failing them? Were my intention misunderstood and how do I better express my intentions and how do I Did I make promsises and not keep them? What about expected promises eg fidelitiy when married?
She must have some fears and insecurities as all people do but she is not aware that her inability to communicate to you effectively what bothers and upsets her; and her inability to cope with them -are showing up as "erratic" and "unexplainable" behaviours.
She may not be as ready to listen to you or see your point of view and I say, you are truly at a loss as to why she is behaving this way.
I will recommend that you both get some couples counselling. It would have done you wonders to do so before moving in and before further solidifying your commitment to one another.
You see this woman as the future mother of your children for a reason; you see in her her value and worth and potential for growth-some part of you must realize that how she is behaving is a re-action and not true intent. She wants to be happy and so do you.
Get some counselling to offer you both some insight into yourself and into one another. Get it so you can both heal from this upset. She doesn't want to be unhappy and struggling; she wants a life of marriage with you.
Best of wishes and let us know how things go.
*hugs*
Having a willing and accepting ear from another will do wonders for the both of you and your wounded egoes. Having a professional help you sort out issues and help you better identify what is upsetting to her, and help you recognize how to better go about listening and speaking to one another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): First love is always the hardest. Move on. You deserve to be happy.
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