A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This isn't exactly a relationship question, although I'm quite sure my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father affects my relationships with men. I've hardly had any contact with my dad for my whole life. He hasn't wanted much to do with me and I think he finds it difficult to relate to me. Anyway, I emailed him to say happy birthday on his birthday in April and I told him a bit about what I was up to since we'd last spoken. He wrote back saying it was good to hear from me and he'd write a proper reply soon. I never got that proper reply. So then a few weeks ago I emailed him on father's day with a one liner just wishing him a happy fathers day and hoping he was doing something nice. And still no reply to that. I thought it might get him to make an effort if I stopped being chatty but it didn't. So what should I do now?Onto how I think it affects my relationships with men - well to start with, my best relationship with a man is with someone who was old enough to be my father (he's 15 years younger than my actual dad, but still 18 years older than me). I felt so comfortable with him and I loved him giving me so much attention. And he knew so much about the world and could help me with my problems... He really cared and I was happy. But then when he wanted a commitment I ran like I always do. It seems I crave being wanted, but don't feel I deserve it when I actually am wanted. I know that identifying a problem like this is the first step to fixing it, but what's the second step?! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 You feel you don't deserve men's attention because you probably blame yourself for the poor relationship with your father. AND/OR you feel you are "too much work", too complicated, not fun enough perhaps - due to your issues as a result of this poor relationship? First of all, that you father was not responsible or accountable for you, that was only his choice, to not be an essential part of your life, just as many other parents choose to deprive their child of a parental figure not without consequences for the child's well-being, as you can see. Secondly, DON'T deny yourself the joy of relationships, your issues are not beyond solving, they were just not addressed, but they can be addressed by taking the right steps so that you can not only be but FEEL normal.An important step is to now research the problem, once you have taken the huge step to identify it, research within you and outside, to see what is wrong and right in this father-daughter relationship, compared to how it should have been, more ideally. See what you missed, evaluate how that affected your feelings and views on life and relationships, craft some solutions. You may find you seek in other men what your father didn't offer you: commitment for example. When you are finally in a relationship you may want to keep hold of your partner at all costs even if he is not worth the effort, but you may not recognise this easily if you have a low opinion of yourself and thus don't think you deserve a better catch, which is seemingly due to the fact that, as said, you seem to blame yourself for your father turning his back on you in your younger years when you most needed his support and advice. Some people that have had to deal with a more or less absent father tend to be more committed but you must recognise when a relationship IS worth the hassle and when NOT. And like this can be other problems you might face. You must explore what you dislike of your father's behaviour and realise other men are not an outside projection of your father, other men will not abandon, mistreat, disappoint or not love you BECAUSE your father has. It is also a matter of you choosing a good partner who you are compatible with. You should also read about couples and relationships more to learn how to act in relationships, how to distinguish between good and ill behaviours, to recognise red flags rapidly, and to know what types you WISH to be attracted to (they say you can't help who you are attracted to, but it's also a matter of choice). You don't need the demanding type, the one who demands you things, like spending all your free time with him, which you might initially like in order to compensate for your father not spending sufficient time with you. One problem, to conclude, is that you may have some unhealthy expectations like the above mentioned in relationships or a low esteem or a feeling of inability because your relationship with the first man in your life didn't succeed. You have all the tools to succeed from now on, you must see and use them.About problem solving steps, I have found a couple of links for you, check out the "IDEAL" process in the first (Identify, Define, Explore, Act, Look) and the types of problems and steps in the second. http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/foundations_of_psychology/37657 http://www.newsguide.us/education/psychology/The-Art-of-Problem-Solving/Father-daughter relationships:http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/63467.phpPS:To an extent it's normal to grow up looking for traits that you associate with family members and all that is familiar. But you have to accept that your relationship with your father is the way it is, and you can't better it by having a good relationship with another that, deep inside, you connect with your father, so it's important to get closure and accept the situation as it is because no man should and can cure you from this past pain, you must leave it in the past, have strength and look forward to forming healthy relationships in the future with the apport of all involved.
A
male
reader, Omegahero09  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 ^^ the second step is easy. The second step is finding the source of your issue. So here is what I prescribe: go out to some place solitary and quiet. Once you're there sit down, and relax. Gather yourself together, then examine yourself, and rationally pick it apart. Kinda like a puzzle. It's easier and less crazy than it sounds, trust me.
Then when you think you've got it, take what you have and give it to a good friend of yours. And see what they think. It's really really hard to 'fix' yourself on your own.
As for your father... wait for him to come to you, however long that takes. Use any sort of family gatherings, holidays or other events as an excuse to talk to him.
Good luck! I'm rootin for ya, I'm all about self improvement ^^
-Hero
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