A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 50 years old and separated from my husband. Eight years ago he gave me std's and a couple of months later i lost my mother and so was too weak to fight him. I have never been happy since in fact i just lost interest in life i think and i got him to leave the home 18 months ago. We have four children, two working away and two teens at home, boys 16 and 17. I have recently got involved with a man who makes me very happy and i feel alive again when i see him once a week but i know my husband wont let me go. He said he will never leave me alone and i am afraid he will flip, you know how you hear of estranged husbands doing things to their wives and i worry so much. My husband doesn't know i am seeing someone, i am sure he would kill me but i could never go back to him, he has never been a man who has wanted to do anything sociably only goes to the local pub with his pals and is like someone from the victorian days. I am bitter over what he did to me and know i could never live with him again never mind sleep with him but i just can't get the courage to go to a solicitor about divorce because of my fears. I live in England
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Thankyou all for taking the time to reply, i am very grateful and have taken on board all you have said, still think its a bit more courage i need but feel a bit more stronger after reading replies and not so alone with my thoughts
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (9 February 2008):
 Hi. I'm 53 and live in England. I guess because you are still married you are feeling guilty about your new man. Regarding your fears and reluctance to proceed with a divorce. I guess there are two aspects to the fears. 1)Husbands retribution and 2) House, what happens.
This is largely fear of the unknown. So - don't say I'm going to get divorced, instead say to yourself, I am just going to find out what happens if I get divorced, what are the ins and outs and also what can be done to prevent my husbands unreasonable behaviour. You can do most of this for free at Citizens Advice or a Family Mediation Centre (might be a low cost).
Good luck Richard
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I hope you receive some good advice from this website. When I read your post I was compelled to respond as I have felt the same as you and it is like being stuck in the deepest mud - and fear alone keeps you in it. I think you feel weak at the moment but from what you write I can sense a woman who has an incredible inner strength? You remained dignified throughout being treated really badly by your husband but this new man has come along, come into your life, to show you that there is happiness - it exists and you are worthy of it - do not let that go so that you are forced back into the retreat of misery. I understand your fear of your husband but understand the control he tries to exert over you cannot work - and must not control your life any more. Try and read the relevant websites - Womens aid have a brilliant website with advice on emotional and physical abuse and ways to stay safe and avoid things - they can also help you on an emotional and personal level legally take the first step etc. You can call them for advice and I would really really recommend you dig deep and pluck up the courage to do so. Without professional support (even if it is behind the scenes) you will stay threatened and trapped for ever more. That would be a waste - just think what you can give to life over the next 30 years! Please please please make the leap of faith.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (9 February 2008):
It sounds like you are actually in a situation that is both physically and emotionally dangerous.First of all on the legal side. In the UK after 2 years of separation you can file for divorce using the 2 year separation as the proof that the marriage has broken down beyond repair. But you will still need him to sign the consent to the divorce for it to happen. If you have been separated for 5 years when you file for divorce his agreement is no longer required. You must be aware though that if you spend one night together or share accommodation or have a relapse resulting in sex between you then the counter starts again.It is possible that I have some of these details not too clear (I live in the UK and have been divorced here) so please consult with a solicitor.I would suggest that you ensure that your solicitor is a woman who is herself strong willed. In the past I have seen male divorce lawyers who are less committed to getting you the right result and more interested in reaching an agreement. Of course an agreement is preferred but not always possible.As for the more practical aspects of your fears. These I do understand despite my being a man. I was a battered husband and hospitalised by my ex twice. During the entire process she broke restraining orders and basically ignored all legal constraints but was very clever to avoid witnesses or evidence. I found the domestic violence officers to be less than helpful, perhaps because I was a male victim, but once the police realised I was genuine (it took them taking me to hospital after one attack to achieve this but again my being a man probably influenced this) they became extremely helpful and responsive.There are a whole host of things you can do to both reduce the risk and to make a successful action if he does do something stupid, more likely.Please send me a private message if you think I can help more specifically.Good luck
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