A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I contacted my gf 7x last week but it wasn't good enough??We've been together for 4 years. I'm 36 and she's 32. We usually spend our weekends together but due to work we don't see each other through the week that often so we rely on exchanging messages. She's upset that I only sent her 7 messages last week claiming that we haven't really talked enough. We spent last weekend together and after I dropped her off last Sunday night, this is what happened....Monday night around 10 I sent her a message telling her I loved her and would give her a call if I got a chance. I didn't get a chance. She didn't even read my message until Wednesday night where I sent her another one telling her i loved and missed her and would call her later. She replied back and said "no it's alright, you don't have to". I ended up not calling her. My mistake maybe? Thursday I posted a picture on her fb page and posted above it "love you baby".. Then on Friday morning I posted on her fb wall saying something really sweet and let her know about a movie I'd fallen asleep to the night before and had been thinking about her ever since. She didn't reply.She works from home and is on fb often as the town she lives in doesn't get good texting signal, so she uses fb messenger from her home which is the best way to reach her. Friday night I sent her a message and she didn't reply. Then I sent her another one about 2 hours later and she responded with 4 words. I messaged her yesterday and she replied, then I said something back to her and nothing. She said maybe 10 words to me all week. And neither of those were initiated BY her.I at least acknowledged her Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday which is more than she actually did. So why is she mad at me? The things I said to her aren't exactly conversation starters (she's told me), more so just short messages to let her know I was thinking about her but she acts as if we need to write an essay or have actual one-on-one back and forth conversation all the time. What do I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 February 2015):
 This is why:
* I sent her a message telling her I loved her and would give her a call if I got a chance. I didn't get a chance. *
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You HAD a chance. 5-10 minute call was not IMPOSSIBLE for you to do, you CHOSE not to. YOU made the "half-hearted" promise that you would.... IF you got the chance... What stopped you? Seriously? Anything really important? SO important that the VERY next day you couldn't call either? or the next?...
You get my point?
Texting SHOULD be for brief little messages, I agree. YOU DO NOT carry on your relationship through 7 texts a week.
YOU pick up that phone and YOU call. SHE picks up HER phone and call. And you spend time together face-to-face.
She feels taken for granted. That you seem to think out of sight, out of mind.
You know how many times my husband texts me a week? MAYBE 1. If he wants to ASK me something to talk, he will CALL me.(if he isn't home). If he is home he will OBVIOUSLY talk to me. And he wouldn't DREAM of trying to placate me with cutesy pictures on FB. That's bullcrap... posting pictures doesn't mean squat. It's freaking FB. PICK up your phone if you have something to say, if you aren't sure what's up.
JUST like you can't carry on a relationship over text, YOU CAN'T do it over FB either.
You are in the 36-40 age group so you KNOW how things were before the cell phones and constant/instant contact. You are FAR to old to pretend you don't know what's up.
And you are BOTH rather passive-aggressive in this.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2015):
 Uhm, maybe pick up the phone and give her a call , and have an actual real conversation ? maybe rather than waiting for " the chance " to call , MAKING the chance ,and the time to call ?
I don't know about "all the time " ,I think probably once it would have been enough. A real, actual conversation, and does not need to be deep or philosophical one , just one to show an interest in what goes on in her life and in her mind...is worth a week of perfunctory, superficial texted or facebooked " I love you ".
In fact, ... it may even feel like avoidance- by dutifully sending a quick " miss you " , " love you ", lots of people sort of punches the emotional clock , confirming that they are in the relationship... skirting any effort to substain and nurture real intimacy, real closeness. Actually, successfully avoiding that.
I don't know, maybe your gf IS actually high maintenance/ insecure and DOES normally require lots and lots of time and attention.
But if this is not the case , I sort of get what she feels. Texts and such do not make real communication, in fact they should be kept for the practical, utilitarian function they were born for. " Running 15 minutes late " or " coming over around 6 "- cool , shoot me a message. But you want to talk to me ? then do just that. Pick up the damn phone and TALK.
But
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2015):
 Because saying "I love you" to her does not tell her you love her in her mind. She doesn't even know what does...
get a copy of the book The Five Languages of love. it should help
and both of you should take this test:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
it was the only thing that helped me understand that my husband defines acts of service as my indicating love.
YOU need to hear words. SHE needs something else.. whether it's time, or presents or acts of service... but you need to figure out with her how she interprets love.
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