A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The other night I committed the ultimate sin of friendship and I slept with one of my bestest, oldest friends. I was the one who suggested it on a night out that ended up just us two - proposing we try a FWB type relationship. He was surprisingly completely game for it and the next thing I know, we're in a cab.Everything was fine until the morning after when, whilst I was nervous it became apparent in later conversations with him online that it was something that felt too weird the morning after despite being completely into it at the time. At first I was a bit bummed about it but now I can see how detrimental a FWB relationship with a best friend could have been. We agree it was something we tried and it was fine, by no stretch do either one of us regret it but it won't be happening again.Trouble is, in the heat of the moment and after a few drinks you don't really think about 'why am i doing this?' Unfortunately that realisation comes much later. I like this boy, like that. I'm more than happy to be one of his best friends (we are a close group of 6). I always have seen him differently to my other friends and I know, I know in my gut and from what he said that night and in the past that he feels the same, things like 'it's not like I haven't thought of it before' (about sex), 'out of all of my friends you are the closest thing to what I want in a girlfriend' and admitting to me that he had liked me lie that in the past.But I want to tell him how I feel the next time we meet, which'll be at another group hang-out (obviously I would meet him a bit before-hand to talk as we haven't actually seen each other since). I have felt this way for a while, but we have had the ultimate ice-breaker now so I don't feel shy to talk it through with him now. I want to say that I know there's something there and I would like something in the far future but not now, because i'm working on myself right now, becoming the person I was before and want to be again, I have my goals and nothing, not love is going to stop me from achieving what I want, relationships take a definite back seat right now. I don't want anything with commitment or work for a long time yet and even though right now I don't want this feeling to go away, I think talking it through with him would help me move on from it - i don't think keeping it quiet would do me any good. But this is something that my gut is telling me is reciprocal, even if I feel it stronger than he does me. We've never been close physically before, no hugs or anything like that - that's just the kind of people we are though, him and me, unaffectionate and apathetic in nature. Despite that I still can't shake this belief that there is something between us. Is it a good idea to talk about it with him? Will it do our friendship harm or has the damage already been done? Does it seem from what i've described that i'm seeing things that aren't there? Even so should I talk about it anyway and move on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): Me and my boyfriend were friends, platonic, for a couple of years before it turned physical and romantic, so I am familiar with that dynamic. It is very awkward at first. Breaking the ice is scary. One day, I just came right out and told him I liked him. He said he felt the same way. For as comfortable as we felt around each other, he suggested we go out on a date and wait to have sex. Our date was so awkward. Going from pals to potential lovers was humorous. But at the same time it was very nice. He took me to a seafood restaurant on the beach because he knows I love seafood. He wanted to make sure we were compatible as lovers and make sure we definitely loved each other before sleeping together. So we did not have sex for months. And this is coming from a guy who I knew had no qualms about sleeping with girls right away. Let me tell you something. It was not an easy transition. Because of the years of being friends, the tension that had built up for all that time, probably sexual in nature but definitely loving, there was so much love between us it was scary. On both ends. He actually became distant instead of closer. In fact, whereas we used to talk everyday, he stopped answering my calls or calling me. There were other girls. He didn't drop everything right away on account of me. And at first, neither did I. And it wasn't for lack of love. He told me the entire time that he did in fact love me. We were both testing the waters. So I gave him space cause it seemed like that is what he wanted or needed. But all along I felt in my heart that he loved me. And I knew I loved him. And I didn't want to pressure him. It took 5 months for him to fully come around. And he did so with a sweeping gesture. One day he just asked me what I wanted out of life. I told him I wanted love and a serious relationship. We now live together and plan to be together forever. I guess my point is two things. First, do not pressure him. If he loves you he will not let you go. Because you are both friends it might take him a while to come to terms with having a relationship but if he loves you he will not pass it up. So give him time. But don't fool yourself either. If he is not telling you he loves you and is saying instead that you are better off as friends, listen to him. He is being honest with you. Secondly, do not sell yourself short. If you like this guy, fwb just simply will not work. If you like this guy, you will not settle for anything less than a proper relationship. Having a relationship should pose no barrier to trying to work on yourself. In fact, a good healthy relationship can serve as a balloon in trying to reach your goals. All fwb means is that you are both sleeping with other people. That's ALL it means and nothing more. It does not have anything to do with you working on yourself. So if you suggest fwb, be ready for him to not take you seriously and assume that you sleep around.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou everyone for your guidance, you've given me a lot to think about and I think i've come to the best conclusion for me and him, the truth.
The fact that I could have thought that have a FWB relationship with my best friend tells me that I am not in the right head space right now, obviously I craved the intimacy because I had gone a while without any, having previously been in a relationship for 5+ years and because I had been in a relationship so long, that's why I wanted it to be just sex. In choosing my friend to take on this task was my mistake. The fact that I do have some feelings for him took over completely and clouded my judgement.
I think this honesty will help ease the situation as much as it can :)
Thanks again for the advice everyone
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): It sounds to me like he doesn't like you like that at all, I mean he called it off the next day... I don't think there is any point having a chat about your feelings towards him when you're not looking for a relationship at the moment... Also i think you'd just embarass yourself
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 September 2014):
 You may think it is a "sin," or having sex damages your friendship. If the fwb situation did go bad in the future, one good outcome that comes out of this is that when you achieve what you want in career and as a person, you are free to find a boyfriend and not worry about spending time with this friend. Many guys would be jealous and possessive of their girlfriends. A girl with a long time bestie who's a male usually spells trouble for a romantic relationship even when your boyfriend tries to tolerate this friendship. There is a lot of pressure to keep the friendship going on despite the fact that it stops you from focusing on other people.
You crossed the boundary. If you have good self restraints you both can take the FWB idea to bed. You may think that having an FWB means that you are still free to pursue your dreams and not worry about reporting your daily life to that partner. That may be true between two strangers. You are friends and share emotions with each other. If you do decide to have sex again you have to deal with the messy overwhelming emotions. As FWBs it won't be time consuming as scheduling dates like twice a week, for a few hours. But you have to worry about hurting the other, or deal with jealousies if he wants to date, or even struggling with decisions on what to do with this guy. So emotionally it can be taxing. Don't forget an FWB arrangement is still a kind of committment. Especially for friends. You still want to make the other happy and different from a casual FWB, you can't just walk away without feeling guilt.
You tried sex and you don't regret it. So the outcome is either 1. You want to be boyfriends or girlfriends or 2. you would just stay friends and not have sex anymore. To keep it simple just pick one. So may your talk with him will help you be more comfortable with the choice you make but before you talk you have to be able to tell him which one it is so it won't confuse him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): Being your age, alcohol will almost always lower inhibitions and blur the lines. Sex changes the dynamics of a relationship, and men do not necessarily attach the same emotions to sex as women. In reading your post, there is a lot of speech convincing yourself he feels the same as you do for him. Even some denial that you're not interested in anything "committed" right now. You initiated the action and it was you who decided to cross the line.
Now you want to shake your hands and say...oops! You crossed a boundary that entered a different emotional realm and you've now created complications that will create awkwardness and tension. Drinking will lead to future dilemmas where it becomes a battle of restraint and avoidance. You'll be tempted to do it again. He will become aggravated when you'll decide let's not. You just wanted to see what it was like. Then just close the door like it never happened. That is not how things happen in real-life adult situations. Sex has very powerful repercussions.
I am gay. I have close male friends who are drop-dead gorgeous. Being human, certain conditions and circumstances are always going to create sexual-tensions or emotional curiosities that are better left in our heads. That's what separates us from lower animals. We have judgment and can reason. We weigh the pros and cons and use logic. We can decide what actions may lead to certain consequences; and have the mental ability to perceive the results before they happen. That's called common-sense.Judgement.
"Friendship" has a set of rules and protocols. Blurring the lines only creates problems when you introduce sex where it doesn't belong. The one who initiates the idea to remove the barriers is usually the one who turns the issue into a big mess. They want things to go back to the way they were. They can't and won't. If you were going to go that route, you should have decided to start dating, to establish if you were romantically-attracted and on the same page. If he truly had feelings above and beyond being just a friend.
You've now opened the door to FWB, and he's more that up for it. If you do decide to date, you're always going to wonder if he really has true romantic-feelings for you and if it will grow into love; or if he's just taking advantage of sex on demand. You've now created a reason for insecurity. Questioning his true motives and feelings.
Don't think you can just press the pause button and comeback some other time when you feel like having another kind of relationship. Sex has now been introduced into what was supposed to be a platonic relationship; and it will always be staring you both in the face. If he does share your feelings beyond only friendship, what makes you think he's going to wait around for things to be more convenient for you?
You'll now get jealous when he does form romantic alliances with other women in the meantime. You'll become competitive and possessive. Your feelings are not as under control as you imply in your post. You introduced sex, because you already feel threatened by other women; and introduced something to draw his attention back to you. You crossed the line to entice him into another place for your own selfish reasons.
I hope things work out for the better. I hope other people who read your post will learn from what you've indicated and the advice you receive in response to your situation.
We have to learn when sex is appropriate and when it isn't.
Restraint and self-control when we indulge in alcoholic beverages creates problems that can ruin really wonderful friendships. I've been around a long-time, and I've witnessed the outcome of these situations enough to know that you have to be very careful when you go there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares: Yes, you're right about, it's still all very confusing to me too.I just want him to know how I feel, I just want him to keep it in mind that way I can begin start to settle these feelings which are clearly, very up in the air and because I want him to think about it and tell me how he feels too because really, neither of us have no idea how the other one feels. I would never ask him to wait for me, as he could be waiting for ever and I know he wouldn't do that. He is looking for a relationship and I'm not, we both know that. He can date people and that wouldn't bother me, i'm his friend first, if he's happy then so am I. I've put the idea of FWB to bed (no pun intended), even if he were to suggest in the future, I know now, we couldn't handle it, I think FWB with him would be just two people who won't admit their feelings to each other and who don't want to be in a relationship in fear that it ruins the friendship and yet have some sort of attraction that is instinct. I can't sleep with him as just friends, if there was something more that we both admitted to, I could - I think we could. But really, it's best not to try it again.Reading your comment and my post, maybe telling him everything is a little full-on, so what can I say? I can't sit back and bury my feelings because 1) I don't like to do that and 2) I don't think it helps anybody.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2014):
 I suppose talking to him won't hurt, after all you are good friends, you should be comfortable enough to exoress your feelings and emotions to him . Plus, it sounds like you have already decided , basically, and would not be able to NOT spill yout guts.
Only, I am a bit confused ( probably you are too :)- what, exactly, do you want to talk about, and in view of what ? What are you wanting from / offering to him ?...
YOu say that you like hime " like that ", i.e. romantically, I guess, but you sort a relationship out until you won't have fixed yourself, reached your goals, etc.
Fine : then, basically, would you be asking him to wait for you- until you have done all this ?... Is he supposed to sit on his hands and not date / get involved with other women , until you say you are good and ready for a relationship ?
Loooong shot. He should be crazy to say yes, even if he felt the same as you.
So, no relationship , but, let's say, in the meantime while you sort things out, would you want to go back to the original idea and be his FWB ?..
Then , there are two possible answers :
1 ) he says no because he does feel weirded out in the role of FWB, as he just told you
2 ) he says yes and you start your FWB. Well... didn't you just say that you ALSO like the guy " like that " ? I.e. for more than just sex ? With feelings involved ? And a relationship ( if there weren't other things temporarily standing in your way )?...
So, are you sure you could handle it, being occasional FWB and nothing else, why in fact you want more ? How would you feel if he sleeps around and or starts dating ? How could you make sure that your dynamics stay the same , while he is tryng to fill the role - at the same time- of platonic, hang out buddy AND secret ( I suppose ) lover ?...
It sounds complicated. Or maybe it's just me who do not quite get what you really want. Do YOU know what you want ?:)
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