A
female
age
41-50,
*airgirl692000
writes:I am happily married to a wonderful man that treats me with the utmost respect, love and he is so incredibly compassionate. My problem is that I was married to a verbally abusive man prior to my now husband and I have 2 children with him. I moved an hour away from him and now have my family here and I get my kids on weekeds due to the drive being hard on my girls to go to school from here. My divorce is in my ex's state and so I can't just decide for my kids to go to school here as much as I would love it, because my ex won't agree to it. Right now I am still going through a power struggle with my ex involving my kids. I have a real problem getting confrontational with him over things that are very important to be firm about. I clam up inside and I am terrified of my ex and what he might say or do to me and what he might be able to do about taking my kids from me. Since I have verbally agreed to letting him have the kids during the school week for their benifit, I am still not following my custody arrangement in my divorce decree and I don't have the money to take him to court and change it. My ex is not abusive to my children as far as I know. He has choked me a time or two when we were together but that is the extent of the physical abuse, it was all verbal. All of this is a big problem for me and I could use a solution to all of it if anyone has any but what I am posting this question for is that my husband feels like he is second to my ex because he sees my breaking points when I explode on him (my husband) from time to time through all of the stress but I can't even be firm about most things with my ex. My husband thinks it is wrong for me to get mad at him for stupid things and not say much to my ex about bigger things. I agree with him but I don't know how to make him understand that I clam up and can't speak when it comes to any conflict with my verbally abusive ex. What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 The reason why you don't say anything to your ex is because you're afraid of him.
The reason why you are that way with your husband is because you feel good with him and he treats you right.
Funny when you think about it. Give a girl all the respect she deserve, and she will take advantage of it.
Seems you're doing a bit to your husband what your ex used to do to you. What did you do when you were tired of your ex treating you that way? You left?
Maybe your husband will eventually do the same once he's had enough of it.
You need to express your emotion differently. Often when I'm angry, I go to sleep and wake up refresh and cleared of mind. I go for walks, play games, go to the gym.
Anything else than staying there saying things I don't mean to someone I love. Sometime, just a 10 minute reflection will calm you down and clear your thoughts.
Hope it helps
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