A
male
age
41-50,
*agle3089
writes:Hello, everyone. This is my first time here. I would like some advice please. Ive been through hell for the past 2 weeks. I cheated on my wife. the worst mistake I could have ever make. My lovely beautiful loving wife, mother of my children. So stereotypically, With a coworker, while working late on some stupid project. I went home late. I would have admit it. I had no intentions of lying. Because on the way home I thought of not going back home. Because of the shame I felt. She said I cheated. I didnt answer. It was more than obvious. She is not stupid. Its worse if I insult her that way. Ive cried. Got no shame to admit it. She acts frighten paranoid when im in any room of the house with her. Kids are always present. She locked me out of the bedroom. Today she asked me not to speak to her or else i would have to move out. I love my wife. This is a big mess. Shes not willing to forgive me from what i see. I move out or she goes for good she said. Ill keep my distance but all i wanna do is hug her and ask her to forgive me. But everytime i open my house she gets frighten and violent. In 10 years, Ive never seen her doing this. Any heart felt compassionate advice is welcome, please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): At the moment this is all about your needs. You had an affair because you wanted some excitement. Now you need a hug from your wife because you messed up. What your wife needs now is the most important thing and its time to respect her. If she has asked you to leave then do it. Give her space to think things through, process the pain of it all and move forward. Take a step back for both your sake and from a little distance you can see whether you can make your marriage work again perhaps through counselling.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 I guess you are scared to move out but if your wife is not going to forgive you, even staying at home is not going to change anything. I suggested a bit of space to allow her to heal and also she gets to know what life will be like without you and hopefully she will miss you and realise its worth fighting.
You could always write her a letter/email and tell her you are moving out to give her space and you have not given up on your marriage but giving her this time to heal and hoping that she can also find it in her heart to forgive you.
This will address your concern that she will not assume you went to the other woman. Sometimes we need to live the situation to understand this is what the future holds. Your wife has not just shut the room door she has locked you out and is not willing to deal with you in any form or way. As a woman I can tell you that when I give my husband the silent treatment and he in returns ignore me - its not effective and hence I end up reaching out to him. I am not guaranteeing you it will work in your situation but at this stage where I am standing you cannot possibly have anything more to lose. Take the risk and set her free, you can after a decent period contact her and try to court her again.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 I think you're going to have to put your wife's preference ahead of your own here. Trying to force a reconciliation right now is for your benefit not hers.
She needs time and space to get her head around this.
She might be willing to talk then. It could take days, weeks, a month, two. Whenever it is, let her initiate it.
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A
male
reader, eagle3089 +, writes (2 September 2014):
eagle3089 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has not given me any hope. Im afraid that if I leave the house she would think that I left to be with the other woman. Are you sure thats a good idea? Im not sure whether she would consider to forgive me. Im not being pushy at all. Im not in good terms. But she wont speak to me at all. She locked me out of the bedroom. If I say I want to talk to her she gets mad. She doesnt want to hear my voice. If I say Im sorry she acts pissed off. I gave her a single rose, she *broke* it in front of me and she tossed it in the trash can. It wasnt funny for me but I expected that. Well, shes never been this mad, this cold before, I cant remember the last time I pissed her off before. Yes it hurts I deserve, but you see, ive never seen her this indiferent and cold ever before. Its not up to me, i know. But I dont want a divorce. But still theres No way I can have a conversation or else she will make me leave the house. If i would say be reasonable i know she will want a divorce and be offended. I got no right to be pushy or get mad.
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A
female
reader, lossing +, writes (2 September 2014):
OK let's get this done and over with. You big cheater, you are married don't look for pity or make crazy excuses for why it happened. It doesn't seam that you are like my husband It seams to me that you might have came to your good sense yes we all make mistakes but this is not like putting salt in your coffee instead of sugar. You have damaged her heart for your sake I pray it's not for good. Ten years and two beautiful children this is a family that doesn't need to be broken. Twelve weeks ago yesterday my husband told me he had been out on a two week spree with 6 prostitutes. One he used two times for the total of 7 times. As I'm writing you this i'm shaking just thinking about what I've been threw this hole summer. She's going to need lots of what she wants. My husband gave me a STD. I pray that is all we have he goes next week for another big blood test the other one we both took to soon. So get tested. In my case after 38 almost 39 years of marriage I've needed him by my side. If it wasn't for him I couldn't have made it. Everyone has to deal with grift in there own way and yes I'm not using to strong a word. It is just like someone you love that has died. My husband isn't that supportive. He has not blamed me but he's blamed the little young whores, the man that told him about them, and if can even believe this one the police. Lord help and us. It breaks my heart. I so want to keep my marriage together I love him dearly. If I was you I would find a good bible believing church and get my life straight. You might have to go to 50 to find one that teaches the true bible. Good churches are hard to find. If they aren't teaching from Genius to Revelation you are in the wrong church. I would find a Church Of Christ but be careful that you find one that teaches the hole truth a lot of them don't. Make Jesus The Lord of your life. That is he has to be the Lord of everything that you do. The Lord only forgives us by the way we forgive others. That's why it's so important for me to forgive my husband. When I stand before God I want to hear well done my good and faithful servant. I pray your wife can find the way to forgive you but I can tell you up front she can't do it by herself. Only threw Christ can she have that love and you are the head of the family. What you do will be the example for your family to follow. Keep in mind God hates divorce. May God lead and guide you and your family.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 You made your bed, you're gonna have to lie in it.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786 +, writes (2 September 2014):
I agree with Honeypie, but I would also suggest that you move out as she needs to heal and not have you everyday remind her of the betrayal. When you move out it will give her an opportunity to figure what she wants and whether she wants to try again. As long as your are in the house you just a constant reminder f the betrayal. If she loves you and is willing to forgive you, you need to earn her trust and not expect her to just accept you back in her life. When your decide to move out, tell her you giving her the space and believe that she needs this time as you understand you really hurt he. Also ask to spend time with kids, arrange the days you can take them out etc.
You marriage is on tender hooks and if there is any hope, she needs space and time before she can make a decision. No amount of begging pleading crying is going to change anything for now and there is also no point sending card flowers and gifts as she knows that those gifts are to try and bribe your way back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Well considering that SHE is walking around with a knife in he back, it might take a while before she gets to a point where she can decide if she WANTS to forgive and work it out, or if she just wants you gone.
YOU CHOSE to cheat with NO regards for your lovely wife and family. Unfortunately for you, now you have to live with the consequences of your actions.
My advice, start looking for a new job if this co-worker is a permanent member of the staff, because if you wife have to find it in her heart to forgive, having YOU go to work every day seeing this other woman... it might make it 100 times harder - for your wife. I'm not saying quit your job, I'm saying LOOK for a new one NOW.
As for your wife being violent. Well I understand her pain, but her being violent is not right. Give her space, give her time. But also let her know that YOU are willing to do whatever SHE needs to make it work (except the violence).
Staying with family (if they are close enough) may be an option (for you) uprooting the kids in all this is not the best idea.
And for goodness sake STAY FAR FAR away from the co-worker. She doesn't CARE about your marriage.
If you belong to a Church, I'd say go have a chat with the pastor, priest, rabbi. If not, look into marriage counseling (go by yourself at first, you wife can come when she is ready, if that happens).
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 It took a long, long time for the level of trust she had in you to build.
You smashed that trust in an instant and on top of that you have betrayed her, your family and all that she thought she had. The woman is broken, she, and your marriage, will never be the same again.
The only good sign for you is that she hasn't kicked you out ...... yet.
She needs to grieve her loss, you need to suck it up and attempt to atone every moment that you breathe.
A hint, bouquets of flowers, expensive gifts, dinners at fancy restaurants, offers of dirty weekends away WILL NOT CUT IT, so don't even think you can offer any of that crap as a quick fix bandaid.
For now all you can do is hang on, like a drowning rat on a piece of drift wood .... and hope like hell you get back to shore.
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