A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:well...i've been in a relationship for almost 5 years, and so far, it's been ok... Lately we've been fighting a lot, mostly beacuse, even though we've been together for a really long time, he doesn't trust me.Sometimes it seems like he's the one that should not be trusted... i don't know....he says that he trusts me, but doesn't trust people around me... total BS!so, last weekend i went to a party, after we had this horrible argument (he didn't want me to go), i got really drunk and cheated on him for the first time ever.the worst part is that the next day, when i wasn't intoxicated anymore, i went out with the guy and we made out.should i feel guilty? because i don't! whenever we argue about something stupid, he calls the next day and apologises, but this time, i don't know why, i crossed the line... i guess i was just tired of being called a cheater when i barely left my house...i keep asking myself, should i break up with him? i really like him, i just don't know if i want to be with him, or if i should come clean about the cheating...will you guys help me?
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 He was right not to trust you then wasn't he? What you're saying is you did this out of spite.
If things aren't working out with your bf and want to leave him then end it. If you're tired of being called a cheater what is there to gain from cheating? How does that solve anything or make it better?
Now you've gone and done the one thing he was most terrified of and no doubt he will have trust issues to get over in the future. Kind of cruel to be honest. If you were me I would be labelled a bit of a git and hated by all women for doing what you've done.
Having said that, I can understand the need to just get out. Like stories of an old man keeping his pretty young wife caged up all day... eventually the bird just wants to be released from its cage. The sad part is he was scared of someone taking you away from him or you going for someone else. Jealousy is a horrible and ugly thing. Sounds to me like he has low self-esteem and I can only guess you must be quite attractive and he likely knows other guys out there fancy you (maybe felt you like another guy too). Probably one or some of them who fancy you were going to that party which is why he didn't want you to go.
Was he invited to the party?
If my gf was invited to a party and I wasn't and she wanted to go without me (kind of party with lots of drunk people making out) I would be asking questions and having doubts too to be honest. Having said that my first girlfriend went to a few parties on her own with mates (I knew all her girlfriends and trusted her) and vice versa and we never cheated on each other. However, in his case he was right to be worried.
Sounds to me like you two shouldn't be together. He had trust issues BEFORE you cheated which no doubt didn't make your life happy or easy at all... then you cheated and say you went and did it again sober feeling no guilt? Tell him and it will end, of that you can be certain, even if he says he "forgives you" it will eat away at both him and you until you split. If he finds out, it will end, that is also certain.
The fact you felt no guilt whatsoever says to me you shouldn't be together. I don't think you're right for each other. It's just a shame it is going to end like that rather than by talking.
I'm not saying this is all your fault at all but you both have to blame and I don't think you're relationship will ever recover if you tell him or when he finds out (eventually it will come out). You can sort of tell - somethings different. This will lead to more trust issues and it will be worse for both of you if you don't just end it now.
The strange thing is after all this you're not sure you should break up with him? You really like him, just don't know if you want to be with him? Weird.
The damage is done so do the right thing and end it for both your sakes. I don't think deep down you want to be in relationship with your bf.
If this were Rikki Lake people would be telling you "to call it a day", now that you've cheated, they'd be no doubt chanting for your bf to "kick you to the curb".
Mistakes are made.
Unfortunately, what goes around comes around. If anyone you get with knows you cheated on your bf behind his back they will be expecting the same thing.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 May 2011):
 well obviously he's spot on for not trusting you. a smart move on his part. he obviously saw something in you that was bothering him, and turns out he was right. his girlfriend is a cheater.
and it's not total BS to say he trusts you but not other people. that's a legitimate thing to feel. unfortunately he was wrong because he shouldn't have trusted you either. sounds to me like you've got some growing up to do. if you just cheated on your boyfriend of five years and you don't care at all, you really need to do some introspecting. but first, do you and your boyfriend a favor. end the relationship. cause he deserves better than that. and stay single until you can learn how to treat people a little better.
sorry so harsh, but i have very low tolerance for people who complain that their boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't trust them, then go out and do shady, untrustworthy crap.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2011):
 Well, you may not want to hear this, but he has a reason not to trust you. You just totally validated his feelings of mistrust in you.
You didn't have to react this way. You could have had a serious talk with him. You could have broken up with him if he kept trying to control you.
Also, seriously, my opinion is that if you barely left the house and was that faithful to him, it woldn't have come easy for you to cheat, and you would have felt beyond guilty. You would have been horrified and devastated that you betrayed him.
You need to break up with him and be alone. You have destroyed your relationship with him. If you stay, he will inevitably find out about your infidelity, and if you think he distrusts you now, it'll be 100x the distrust after you broke it.
In the future, you do not react to a fight by cheating and destroying your relationship. It is not justified. It is not revenge. It is sad, and mean, and hurtful. How would you have liked it if he had gone out and been with a prostitute or a one-night stand after you two fought?
Your relationship is over. Do the honorable thing and set him free. Whether you tell him of your cheating is up to you. However, if your main issue with him was his lack of trust, you just totally validated it, because you are not to be trusted if you can cheat, then repeat the cheating while sober, and not feel guilty.
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