A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a huge dilema, I cheated on my husband and it all came out about 9 months ago,the affair stopped and my marriage is still intact, although it has taken a lot of trust and patience from my husband.I have been married a long time and ended up having an affair which lasted about 6 months, when my husband found out he was so hurt and I was shocked at the intensity of hurt I had caused.We sat down and talked about the past and my reasons for doing such a terrible thing, he wanted the truth about everything.We spent a number of weeks where he constantly asked me what had happened, times, places details the lot, he wanted the truth so we could decide whether we should carry on.We decided that we did love each other and wanted to stay together.I have a real ongoing and hurtfull to myself situation and it is breaking me apart inside. When my husband asked me all the details and I volunteered to tell him everything he asked so it would tell us whether or not we loved each other, I made a massive mistake.I told him almost all the times, details and places, but I told him we never had intercourse and never went all the way during oral sex,yes I did tell him thatI did that for this man.I pretended that things just didn't go that far.I had only ever slept with my husband before I had this affair and thought he wouldn't be able to handle it so I told a big whopper.The problem I now have is I promised him I had told the truth about what happened but knowing I was not been entirely truthfull with him is eating me up inside.I thought I could live with telling him what I thought he could live with but now wish I had been entirely truthfull at the time.I feel like I am getting depressed again and it will ruin what we have strived so hard for.I have been really selfish and stupid to have done this and lie in my bed thinking over it all,I know it will cause further problems but feel I have now have the most loving and caring husband in the world which is what I always wanted,but the way I am acting, because of the guilt I have it could end with me driving him away from me.I can not stand the thought of going the rest of my life with these horrid secrets and I feel it will never allow me to become the honest person I want to be with him. I revealed most of the sordid facts over the course of time and I know that things still go round in his mind,he says he trusts me but I know I am living a massive lie.I would like to become a truthfull person again and think it is about time I told him the rest of the affair details as it is the only way I can ever really get on with it only being him and me and no hidden secrets.He coped better than I could ever have imagined with the details and I am sure he desperatly wants me to be happy again. I am happy because I have the marriage and relationship I always wanted but I am also sad and unhappy with myself because I know deep inside myself that I have not been entirely truthfull about certain things,how can I ever look at him in the eye and say I love you when I hid things, I did promise him I had told him everything at the time and kept no secrets so he is going to be so disappointed, but I need to clear this up in order to trully move on forever in my marriage and know everytime I look at him that I have been truthfull and honest. I just don't know how to bring it up then get it all out, how do I approach him and start the conversation off, how do I explain to him why I kept some of the sordid details when I have swore for 9 months that I had told him the truth. Any help with how I clear this forever and break it to him would be of great comfort to me,before I just breakdown and crack with the guilt, it is bad enough what I did and did to him but the last number of months has been hell in my head and I don't want my future being one big lie the worst kind of lie. Please help me any advice on how to break this gently would really help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): You are right and are doing the right thing.By you telling him of your own free will is always the best way and it means you want to tell him the truth and he will know that. If a person is only made to say things because they can't get out off it then that person will say anything to get out off it and means they are only taking the easy option for themself.You have thought long and hard and have asked the questions to us first here at Cupid, most peaple agree and do feel you are doing the right thing and hopefully it will be the best thing in the long run.By coming forward of your own free will is so much more truthfull than being forced into a corner where you will say anything to get out off something.Honesty and by free will is always the best policy. Good Luck this weekend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Hello and Thankyou for all your advice and replies,I am going to take a deep breath and sit down this weekend and sort out the mess I have created, time to own up and finally do the right thing,the last poster (male anonymous)says I owe my husband, I don't entirely agree that I owe him as you put it,but I want to make it much better for him and know I have and will, I want too and that is much better than just owing someone something.I know that because I had an affair it took away so much from him, me and our marriage. As I said before this ended 9 months ago and the relationship that I have with my husband including sex is much more important and better now than I have at anytime in my life with him before and the affair,I have given him back everything and made sure he knows he special and loved and wanted by me as a woman and I have made the sex side of our marriage so much better than we ever had before not because I owe him because I really do love him and enjoy being with him in bed and out,I tell him I never want anything else in my life apart from him,and I don't I was just really really stupid, thats how my husband has got it back, he knows I only want him for life and naver anyone else ever again.I never wan't to be with any other man in my life and now know what I want and who I want it with MY HUSBAND. I have read so many letters on Deercupid and wish I had read them before I did such a terrible thing I could of saved myself and husband a lot of grief.I have seen the error of my ways as bad as they were and want to end it all forever now that is why I asked for help and advice about the final lies and deceipt that I have spoken about and after this weekend that will be that. I hope my husband will understand the reasons why I wasn't exactly truthfull at the time about what really happened and I will tell him I was scared of his reaction and did not want him to be any more hurt at the time, which is exactly why I did not tell him everything. I can only hope he understands and can forgive, which is what I want so we can at last be done with this terrible situation I created.Thankyou to the woman who told me that she was the one cheated on and how when she was told the truth it gave her a chance to finally sort out her marriage and she is now happy, that gives me courage and hope.I hope his love is as deep for me as I believe it is and we can rid ourselves of this forever now and I will not go around with all the guilt I have for not being entirely truthfull. This is a really big moment in my life and I know I will finally become the honest person I always was before this happened.Thanks for your help and I will let you know how it turns out. X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Make sure you give back to your hubby much more than what you gave your 'lover'. When you married you promised yourself to your hubby, but when you cheat you gave away what you owe to your hubby to someone else. How will your hubby get it back?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): I was a woman who was cheated on, I knew deep inside myself that he hadn't told me the entire truth, he told me they did lots of thing but he never had full intercourse with her.The way he spoke about her and how good she was,let me know he had, but he kept denying it when asked. I drove myself mad with all the things that they had done, he never was that confident in bed before just normal I guess, but during and after it he acted like a stud and got off in proving how good he was, he let me know but then denied which drove me mad. Finally after months of torture I threatened to leave him,and as I packed my case and got ready to go he broke down and told me everything that had really happened, the facts were much easier to get over rather than the mental torture of being repeatedly lied too,I sat my case down and he spilled the beans.We were then finally able to get on and sort out why he had an affair.We are still together and it is now in the past, but we had no future as long as he kept these secrets from me.So yes do it properly and with honesty and compassion but let him rid his mind of doubts and clear your consionce of guilt and the lies that are bothering you.I hope see'ing it from the opposite side tells you as others have said, this is something that deffinetly needs dealt with as soon as possible, the longer it is left the harder it will become.I do not condone what you did but I hope for your husbands sake that this is the new beginning I found and he deserves.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Treat your husband with the respect he deserves and you will regain the respect in yourself you so badly need.You made a mistake and want to come clean, ok a little late is better than never, and more importantly you want to tell him the truth of your own accord, better that way than your husband one day sitting you down and saying I know or have been told this about you and what went on.You are doing the right thing by telling him yourself,he may find out one day when you least expect it and would hate you for hidding the truth anyway, so at least if you tell him he will know that is the end off it and at least he will know that you are telling him the whole truth by you bringing it up and saying I have something I want to come clean about,good on you for wanting to tell the truth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): I also agree,tell the truth, get to the point as quick as possible, don't drag it out any longer or you will go mad. Tell him as directly and with as much compassion as you can bearing in mind he has already been hurt.You have as the last poster said the rest of your life to make love to him and give him love and accept his love and forgiveness,make him feel like the most important person you have ever been with, which is quite apparant from your post he now is.I agree if you start telling him how he touched you or how different it was you will ruin his own self worth forever.If he asks all these things you have to be honest, but don't volunteer the feelings side unless asked, but yes be direct about what happened and truefull being the key to your whole and sane future.good luck and I am sure it will have a good outcome in the long run.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): I think you are doing the right thing but you already know within your heart and more importantly your head,it is horrible living with what you are and you have answered your own questions by saying that it will eventually get on top of you,it is going to be hard to start with and be prepared for your husbands reaction but once this part is over then you can live the honest life you desire.You must want a new and honest start and it wouldn't matter if you and your husband had split, because you then would have had even more on your mind knowing that you had been so dishonest,even if he reacts angrily to start with it sounds like he will forgive you and at least he can also release any doubts,he will know that you had intercourse and it will be playing with his mind as much as it yours so let go for both your sakes and then you can start all over again finally free from all your burdens.Good luck and it's nice to know that at least some people who make mistakes are big enough to admit to them no matter how hard it is and how long its taken,just tell him it's taken this long to pluck up the courage,but at least you have.I admire your honesty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): O.k. I have some advice I think you should know. A psychologist said to NOT go into details when confessing. Men are very visual, and will replay in their minds what happened. I agree you should totally confess...to completely free your soul and prove to your husband Totally honesty with him for a true marriage. BUT when he asks questions, just be very blunt and to the point. Don't ROMANTIZE it, for instance: he touched me here, I put my hands on him and..., I felt this when he did this to me. Just say the cold, facts and the guilt you feel now. Also, I would think your husband makes loves better because Love is involved, so tell him that too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Thankyou for your answers and they have been a great help and comfort to me, I know I have dealt with this wrongly in the beginning and I am going to have to confess the truth,it seems to be overwhelming the oppinion that the truth is always the best in the long run, the woman whose friend had a breakdown is exactly how I feel like I will end up, as this is driving me mad.I take your advice that I will have to sit him down and tell him there is something we have to talk about and let it all out.I am ashamed of what I did and even more ashamed that even given the chance to tell the truth that I then tried to hide this.It is going to be hard to find the words to tell him that we did have sex and oral sex went further than I first said,we did see each other more than I told him and we also spent a few nights together over night.I am disappointed in myself so God only knows how disapointed he will be in me,but I have so much feelings for him again and wish I had not had an affair, I know that once the air has been cleared that at least we can get on like any other marriage and I can start again to be a real, honest wife and person, as long as I live with the lies and dishonesty in my head I know inside myself that I am not a honest person and wife.This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done but once I start then I know that it is the start of a real future not based on lies and deceipt.Please let me know if you agree with what I am confessing to you on Dearcupid.Sincere Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): You sound like you are locked in a jail cell, knowing you have been caught and punished for the crime,but are in need of a priest to rid yourself of the guilt.The only way you can rid yourself is to tell your husband the whole truth and nothing but the truth, that way you can finally begin to heal, yes it will cause more upset but having already told him that you had a sexuall affair was the worst part anyway, he will know that things went further so take your time and be rid of the last and final part off this forever.Some people think they can cope with keeping a terrible sin to themself but it can even be years later that things come back to haunt you. Some people never want to talk or know the facts about an affair in the beginning but those are the ones that it finally eats away at them,the other kind want all the details so they can come to terms and start again, your husband asked you what happened so he needed to know, tell him the truth and rid you and him of anguish.No matter how you felt or what you did don't let this go on and on until it breaks you and your mind.If he loves you he will be glad eventually that at least you loved him enough to want to live a life with him free from deceipt.Good luck and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): I agree with others,the only way that you will ever be able to rid your self off the guilt and terrible pain that you are feeling is to tell him the truth, yes it can be seen as you are only telling him to ease your concsionce, but it is the only way that you will ever be able to live with yourself and be free of what you did. I also don't agree with affairs because this is all so often the outcome and all affairs are based on lies and deceipt, but in your case the affair has happended and you have been able to sort your marriage out, your husband has forgiven you and quite obviously loves you, he has taken alot on board,I understand at the time you tried to play things down as you relised that you may lose the man you really loved and that must have been a big hold back, but yes lies torment most of us and in your case it is getting worse and you know that he has doubts anyway.I think from what you say that this will cause upset but then at least you know and so will he that that is the end off it for ever and a day.He loves you and you love him 9 months says it all.Take your time and sit him down start by saying I have something that I want to draw closure on forever and a day but it is going to hurt you and me, but then the rest of our lives will be yours together alone and free from secrets and lies.Allow him to say what ever he wants to accept he may shout, cry or storm out in anger, but he loves you and will or he would not still be their right now.This is your chance to finaly move on from the affair and your husbands chance to know that you are completely honest and truthfull.It is a horrible position to be in but it is the only way you will ever be able to move on.I know someone who was in a similair situation she spoke to me and I told her to confess all, she didn't in the beginning,then she had a nervous breakdown because she could never stop thinking about it and after her breakdown she confessed everything anyway, if she only told her husband in the first place she could have saved herself from a breakdown and what she put herself, her family and her husband through with all that was assiocated with that,she ended up with two massive things to deal with where had she got it out her system she would have dealt with long before she broke down.I think you have to confess to rid your mind and be able to allow you and your husband to move on once and for all.Good luck with your future free from guilt and pain.
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A
female
reader, Auntie Jez +, writes (24 February 2009):
Well you do have a dialemma dont you? Tell him and make yourself feel better and him feel worse and possibly loose him or dont tell him and feel aweful yourself ( thats your punishment for cheating by the way!). Is it really guilt you feel or are you afraid he will find out?
Only you will know if he wants to know or not, some people listen to their unfaithful partner and put it all behind them and dont want it brought up again, some people want to know the truth.
Its a tricky one - to be honest or not - will it make the situation worse or better? Persoanally I'd keep quiet but if you want to be honest then sit him down, warn him youve got something to tell him and tell him what you have told us...how sorry you are....and make sure it never happens again!
Hope it all goes well for you, I can see you are really sorry and I do hope if you tell him he can forgive you
take care honey
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): It sounds like you "need" to tell him the whole truth but in doing so you may lose him. I do know that the longer you wait the worse it will be for him and you. It's never easy to eat crow but sometimes it's the only way to make things right and start over, trust has to be earned back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Hi, Maybe what you have posted can help me. I was on the receiving end from my husband. About 7 months ago I discovered loving texts on his phone between him and a work colleague 20 years younger. He said it was a daft game as I was being very unloving (true, due to the menopause I think) and he had helped her out with some work problems while she had been support for him over our marriage problems. We talked it over and everything was great again and I realised how close I had been to losing him until I discovered another batch a month or so later and these were more like sexy innuendos such as 'I'm randy thinking of you in lacey undies' (there were obviously loads more but he deleted all the others and slipped up with these ones). Luckily one of her replies said she felt guilty leading him on as they had done nothing yet otherwise I would have suspected the worse. I was heartbroken and his excuse this time was that he had to 'phase them out gently' but swore that they had both now agreed to pack it in as they knew it was only a game and would never lead anywhere.We are back in love and adore each other (never really stopped doing so). My problem is I am as devastated by it as I was in the first place and if not more so. He professed to tell me the truth about it all but I know for a fact he has lied because unknown to him I have done some spying and investigation but I daren't confess to this. She is in my head 24/7. The point I am coming to is that he says he is racked with guilt and it's the biggest regret of his life. I want to believe him but I seem in much more torment than him and he won't let me talk about it as he says I am stopping it being put to rest even though nothing's going on now (which I'm sure of due to my spying again). So my question is 'Do you think his guilt could possibly be as horrible as the feeling of betrayal and emotional cheating I feel?'. I know it sounds nasty about someone you love but I would like to know he is suffering too after all the heartache he has caused.Thanks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): You dont deserve him nor do i think you love him or you would have been honest. I dont understand the whole cheating thing. How can you hurtsomeone you claim to love??
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 Well, I think telling him the truth is the only way you'll ever really feel connected to your husband again. I beleive deep down you feel that his love and forgiveness for you is false becuase it is based on false assumptions. I hate the idea of cheating as most people do, but I really do think you love your husband. Otherwise, you wouldn't be feeling this disconnect if you didn't care about him or his love for you. If you really want to be at peace with yourself and feel that special bond with your husband again, you will have to tell him the truth. It will probably tear him to pieces, and its possible that your marraige may not survive, but true healing cannot begin until you clean away all of the lies that are separating you from him. If he truly loves you, then he will forgive you.Sometimes the consequences to our actions hurt, but until we own up to what we've done and accepted them, we will never be whole again.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (24 February 2009):
 The only way to validate his learning to trust again is to reward him with the truth. Yes, there is a strong chance he will react in a harsh way, but if he is trying to forgive you, he needs to really be able to forgive all that you did.The longer you wait to tell him, the less he will be willing to trust in the future.
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