A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I did a terrible thing and cheated on my girlfriend of 3 months. I was out with work mates having drinks (a lot) and on the way home I kissed one of the girls. I absolutely regret it. I am in so much guilt that its eating me inside out. I think I love my girlfriend but its too soon in a relationship. I am planning on telling her. I want to be honest with her, even though there's a high chance she will break up with me. But she deserves to know. I know that if I tell her I'll feel less guilty but she'll be very upset and angry. Is it worth telling her? Maybe I shouldn't tell her and just live with this guilt. But then that's disrespectful to her. I'm going round in circles here. Need Help. Please do not judge me I am a good person. Alcohol has done no good for anyone.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 August 2013):
 You need to tell her.
No one wants to live a lie. IF you don't tell her BOTH of you will be living a lie. And the funny thing is, LIES have a way of coming out.
It's kind of typical that you want to NOT tell to "protect her" - but that is truly BULL SHIT. You don't want her to know because it will HURT you if you DO tell her. If she can forgive you, her trust in you is broken and needs rebuild.
It's not about HER - it's about YOU. Either you have some INTEGRITY or you don't.
Grow a set, man up. Tell her and LEARN from whatever happens. It's called TAKING responsibility for your actions.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 August 2013):
 Male anon - if it were a girl who kissed another guy, my advice would be exactly the same - to come clean, because the relationship has already been damaged.
OP, you are a dirty cheater. You'll live with the guilt "for her happiness"? No, this isn't cowardice. It's selfishness. It's the same selfishness that caused you to cheat on her in the first place. It's the same selfishness that caused you to put yourself in that situation with alcohol.
You summed it up: She would break up with you and you don't want her to. YOU don't want. YOU wanted to kiss someone else. YOU want no consequences for your actions.
You'll cheat again and again because you put yourself above everyone you pretend to love. You do everything to gratify yourself, including covering up your infidelity.
I feel sorry for your girlfriend, because she deserves a guy who would put her first rather than cheat behind her back and cover it for his own selfish wants.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (15 August 2013):
If I kissed someone outside my relationship I would definitely tell. Probably selfishly to get it off my chest and to salvage my guilty conscience but I also owe it to the other person to own up to my mistakes. I'd want to know if someone cheated on me. No double standards there.
Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): I get really confused with these cheating posts, when it's a girl doing the cheating all the responses seem to be don't tell him, it's a burden you must bare, but when it's a guy cheating on a girl, then all must be told. I'm seeing some major double standards here people....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): OP - You haven't really accepted responsibility for your actions here.
In your initial post, you ended up by saying you are a good person and it's the alcohol's fault. Alcohol does not involuntarily move your body to make you kiss someone. Thinking like this means you are not owning up to the fact that you have it in your to cheat. This means you will not take the appropriate measures to stop yourself from cheating in the future. By blaming the alcohol,you might stop drinking to fix the problem, but that won't stop you cheating if a woman you're very attracted to practically throws herself at you when you're sober. Accepting culpability in this situation is the first step to making sure it never happens again!
In your response to the Aunts and Uncles' advice, you end up by saying that you are not going to tell her so that she can be happy. Again, stop lying to yourself mate. Seriously, I know you're in a tough spot, but you know you're bullshitting yourself right?
You're not burying this for her sake. As you've just said, you know that she will never forgive and trust you again. So really, what you're doing now is pretending to be something you're not. You're lying to her about who you are as a person so that she stays with you. You would not be happy if a sales person missold you a car would you. Why are you adding deceit on top of infidelity? You're a wrong onto another and this will really blow up in your face if she finds out from someone else. Then she will DEFINITELY leave you because you'll be the guy that not only cheated but didn't regret it enough / respect her enough to come clean. Even if she doesn't find out - your relationship has changed because you have changed. Looking into her eyes and telling her you love and will never do anything to hurt her, promising that she can rely on you... It'll all feel like a lie because you know that you can stab her in the back and keep living.
You're keeping quiet to save yourself and then saying you'll carry the guilt like a matyr. Seriously? You think not telling your girlfriend you cheated is taking one for the team? If you want to save this relationship at any cost, including deceit, that's up to you - but don't feel like a hero for it.
My advice is to tell her. Otherwise she doesn't really know you. How can she love you if she doesn't know you? She'll be in love with an idea of you. Be honest and hope that she forgives you.
If she doesn't - well, you're not compatible because the real you and the real her cannot move on from something like this.
If she does forgive you, she'll struggle to ever trust you and you will always have to reassure her that you're a changed man. But that's the price you'll have to pay.
Man up and take responsibility for your actions. If I was your girlfriend, I'd dump you for the lie rather than for the kiss.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): I am the original poster of this topic.
I take on board your advice but I think she will definitely break up with me and I do not want her to. I thought of how I will tell her but I cannot imagine what would happen. I'm such a coward. She will never forgive and trust me again. I will live with my pain and guilt, for her happiness.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 August 2013):
Yeah, you should come clean, because relationships are built on trust. She may get mad and break up with you, but like WiseOwlE said, sometimes the consequences of our actions, as painful as they may be, are what can permanently change us for the better.
Tell her the truth on your own accord and let her make the decisions. If you mean to drop the drinking, you may want to tell her that as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): Tell her the truth and tell her how badly you feel about it.
You were drunk and kissed a girl. I doubt she will break up with you. She will be angry and disappointed in you. She will appreciate the fact you care enough for her to be so honest. She may slap you so hard, you'll see stars. You may not get any sex for a few weeks.
The right thing is often the hardest thing to do.
Will she leave you? Possibly. However; there is the chance that in time, she can forgive you. You will be showing her that you are a man of integrity, and that you have a strong sense of loyalty. If what you say is the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If there aren't any missing little details, like sex. This being a new relationship, may give you some wiggle-room. It could go either way.
Now sometimes it takes serious consequences to teach us a lesson for our bad deeds.
If she does breakup with you, it will become etched in your heart from now on that you could lose someone; and you can't use alcohol as an excuse. Even for just a kiss.
If she forgives you, that sometimes gives you false-confidence that you might get away with things later on in the relationship. Beware the wrath of a woman scorned. She forgives; but never forgets. She waits in anticipation of your next mistake. It's their nature. They aren't stupid.
You will forever be on probation.
You say you "kissed" the girl? I guess that will ease your conscience. I don't know how gullible your girlfriend is.
Dude, no one is that guilty over just a kiss. I'll take your word for it. I doubt she will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): As she is only your gf for 3 months, I think it's best to cut off all ties.You can't feel strongly enough for her that at this early stage you already cheated. Drink is not a good enough reason, though a good excuse.Her faith and trust will be shattered, then she already has to work through that, and will never be the same, and things between you will also never be the same.I think you need to learn the hard lesson from this - control and manage your drink if the person you are with means the world to you and you respect them and yourself.You do sound like a good person because you feel guilty, and are wondering what is best now. Sorry you have to go through this, but having guilt forever is not good for you, and hurting her is also not good, so perhaps find a reason that will hurt her least and move on and learn from this.Unless you realise now, I totally love her, can't live without her, then tell her so you can start new, and let her make the choice whether to excuse you and forgive you and move on from here. YOu will be on a short lease though, and will have to go through some tough times before you can be happy together again.P.S. Did you only kiss the other girl, or make out? If you only kissed her, that could be repaired if you promise to change and show through word and action never again!Good Luck
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