A
male
age
36-40,
*usten
writes:I've been going out with my girlfriend for just over a year now. 2 months ago she left to go overseas on exchange but I'm going to see her in 2 months and stay with her for 3months. I love her enormously and we've had an amazing relationship.2 weeks ago, I was drunk and stoned and made a huge mistake. I slept with a girl from college that I know well. It was 5minutes of meaningless sex before we stopped and realised what we were doing. She also had a boyfriend and we both know how stupid what we did was. I feel absolutely terrible about it. It meant nothing to us and we both regret it so much/I know that if I tell my girlfriend, I won't be able to console her, help her or make her feel any better for the next 2 months as phone calls and emails don't do much. I hate the idea of breaking her trust. I've turned down girls before and been so good at being faithful it pisses me off that this happened. I know the trigger was that I was hurt from a convo with my gf and didnt tell her, it sat with me for a while and just ended up making me weaker in the moment(if that makes any sense). I feel like I've learnt such a huge lesson about how to never ever do this again and I'm certain I won't.I'm 21 and have been in another long relationship before but it was nowhere near as good as this.I know that if I tell her, she will either break up with me or it will become complicated and bitter and fizzle out.I feel like I don't deserve this, we have such a great relationship and this came out of nowhere. My greatest problem is that I can't console her properly if I were to tell her I think.Do I deserve this :\? What should I do?
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female
reader, ashaz  +, writes (17 May 2013):
I cheated on my girlfriend after nearly 3 years into a relationship worse thing i ever done and if i could turn bk time i wouldn't have done it.your best off being a girlfriend and be true to her. tell her the truth and if she loves you she will give you a second chance if she dont she never did. i hope everything goes well good luck got my figers grossed from you :)
A
male
reader, dusten +, writes (2 October 2009):
dusten is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeh, i have cut ties.
A concious decision can still be a mistake. I'm young and I acted stupidly and people make these.
I know it was selfish and dealing with that is really hard. This has revealed to me many flaws in my own character that I want nothing more than to fix.
I know this was my fault and due to my own problems and the route I took was wrong.
I don't want to be that person and I don't want to ever be even close to doing something like this again.
I know this means changing myself in some deep-seated ways and I'm completely ready to do that.
I don't want a fast track, I just want to know if there are things I can do to help this progress, to heal faster, to not cause any setbacks.
I know how vital time, persistence and patience is to this.
What else can I do?
I've made the mistake, I can't change it, I've been berated by all kinds of people and now I just want to do what I can to make this better, less hurtful and fix my own problems that lead to this.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Once again, now its Total Transparency on your part that will be the only thing that will ever regain her trust in you.Frankly she may never trust you again. But of course that is the risk you took when you cheated on her.Of course, when YOU tell us that she Knows it wont break you two up that it is self serving. As you stated, it has begun to sink in. These things arent forgotten overnight, and you are now suffering the consequences of your actions.And the important thing is NOT for her to feel she can trust you again. The important thing is that you don't cheat on her.You still don't get it, dude. You want a fast track to forgiveness. It does not work that way. Cheating is not a mistake. It is a conscious, selfish action that inflicts needless pain and is very indicative of what type of person you are.She is not under any responsibility to ever forgive you. That is something you will just have to live with.And have you cut off communications with your "friend"?Unless you do that, you dont have a shot in hell
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Step one there are no big gestures that will regain someones trust in you, be there be consistent over time and eventually she will trust again.
It would be lovely to be able to turn back time but you cant, in a sense this sense of desperation is something that should help you to understand how cut up she is probably feeling right about now.
Hang in there , you guys can come through this.
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A
male
reader, dusten +, writes (1 October 2009):
dusten is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been a week since I told my girlfriend that I cheated on her and it's slowly sunk in. She at first understood and accepted it reasonably but of course slowly felt more and more hurt by what I'd stupidly done.
She has forgiven me and knows that it won't break us up but is still wrapping her head around all of this.
The most important thing for her now is to feel trusting of me again. She was really hurt when I told her I knew I'd never do it again, as I never thought I would do it in the first place and was very confident of this.
I can completely understand that, as it undervalues what I'm saying and it makes her doubt me even more!
I know that time and patience is incredibly important and that my actions will speak louder than words. I know how much of a mistake I made, have taken full responsibility and I'm utterly committed to trying my best to right this wrong.
Is there anyone with any ideas on things I can do to help her trust me?
Anything at all, as crazy as it might seem, would help.
Thank you all so much
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (24 September 2009):
Well I will give you props at least for being a man about it and telling her. And yes now the hard part begins.The cornerstone of any relationship is trust. and for you it will have to mean TOTAL transparency in your relationship with her. And remember that if she begins to be suspicious of your activities that it will simply be something that you have to accept if she agreed to remain with you. That means that your ACTIONS and not your words will be the only thing that will put her mind at ease in the future. She may say she understands, but there are going to be times in the very near future where she will question everything you do, or say. But once again this is on you. You cheated, she didnt. So she has every right to question you about anything she wants. And if you cant handle it, then you will have to hit the road.As far as your little friend, I think you will have to cut all communication with her if you are going to make a go of this. Also I should not be surprised if her BF finds out about this so you may have another chapter in this story. I am just saying be prepared because guys who get cheated on aren't real sympathetic to your plight. Especially if its with their GF. Im not trying to rub salt into this. I am telling you as a human being that this is a very real possibility. And in this case you have to man up as well. So once again I will say I commend you for stepping up to the plate. But I want you to go forward knowing that this whole episode rests squarely on your shoulders.
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A
male
reader, dusten +, writes (24 September 2009):
dusten is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told her. By far the hardest thing i've done but she accepted it and understood that these things can just happen. She was more scared of the way she looked at me now with her minds eye, that I was not perfect and that it was hard to adjust.
We talked for hours about it and both felt enormously better by the end, deciding not to let it affect what we have.
By far the most educational experience of my life, how bizarre. Thanks for the replies guys
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): i agree that you shouldnt tell her, all it will do is hurt her and your relationship your not inlove with this other girl and nothing else is going to come from it, so theres no reason your gf needs to know all it will do is make her feel bad and ruin her time overseas.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2009):
If you can't handle the relationship now she's overseas, move on. Don't just hurt her. You cheated, now you've got to own up and move on.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (23 September 2009):
Enough of these "Mistakes" from cheaters around heredont blame booze or drugs. You both made a conscious decision when you did this. It is always convenient to blame anything other than yourself.Young man,being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions. (Sighs) You dont YOU FEEL YOU DESERVE THIS? Thats about the most immature and selfish statement Ive heard here in months!Your GF does not deserve to be disrespected and lied to. Mistakes are wrong lane changes, not having sex with people other than someone you are comitted to.You CANNOT FIND LOVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IF YOU SEEK LOVE OUTSIDE OF IT!So own up to what you did, and accept the consequences. Thats what being an adult is all about. GROW UP!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Sorry I think you should tell her out of respect. There is every chance she will find out - it could be in 6 months or 6 years and you lying will hurt her even more trust me. Just takes a comment from someone else.... the truth so often comes out. You say you have learnt and maybe that is why it has happened - so that when you get into a new, really good relationship in the future, you will know how you want to behave. I think a part of your love will always be dampened by the guilt and in time this will erode your relationship in itself. Honesty is so very important in a relationship - there is no point in having a lie as a foundation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Dude as much as it pains me to say it because I honestly believe that you made a mistake. I think you have to tell your GF . Put yourself in her shoes what would you want her to do?
Would you rather be kept in the dark or be told the truth.
The first part about dealing with a mistake is to acknowledge that it has happened. You will be able to hold your head up in future if you do and it wont hang over you.
Best of luck though
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A
female
reader, swedehearte +, writes (23 September 2009):
Do not tell her. It would be different if you loved this other woman but it was a one time thing and you feel bad. just see it as a realization of how much your girlfriend means to you and dont ever do it again. Telling her is actually is a selfish thing to do. You cannot change what happened and telling her will serve no good purpose other than making you feel better thats its off your chest.
Well, you messed up so you should carry that burden, suck it up and walk away a better man for her to spend the future with.
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A
female
reader, agony alisha +, writes (23 September 2009):
when she comes back just tell her truthfully and say you didnt mean for it to happen and that you are so sorry, buy her some chocolate or flowers and if shes still mad then shes not worth it.
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