A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my fiancee.. I cheated on my fiancee, the woman I love and have been with for four years, with a girl I didn't even know. I have no idea why I did it. I was at a party drinking heavily and met this girl who started flirting with me right off the bat. I am in no way blaming this on the girl or the alcohol just to let you know. The girl also has a boyfriend. I feel like the worst human being in the world, it made me physically sick the day after when I thought about it. I didn't think I was capable of doing something like this. I love my fiancee so much, I could never imagine myself with anyone else. It's that kind of love that is so strong that it makes you ill to think of life without her. I love everything about her. I guess the real reason I did it was because I suspected her of cheating on me (we live in different cities right now). But I don't want to lose her.However, I don't think I can get over my guilt, it is eating me up inside. I can't tell her because I know what the result will be. But I don't think I can live with myself.....I don't know how to go on. I am crying my eyes out while I type this. It all feels like some horrible nightmare. Has anyone else out there been in this situation, what did you do to? I always wondered why guys do things like this, never in a million years pictured myself being one of "those assholes". Why did I let this happen? I don't know why I am typing, I just have no other way of venting or anyone to talk to about it. I wish I had a time machine or that this was just a bad dream, I hate myself, I am a horrible person.......sorry.
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female
reader, grey eyes  +, writes (5 October 2010):
Hi, i've being cheated on in the past. We were going out for a year but i knew we were in a bit of a rough patch. Also i had got raped before we got together by someone else so i wasn't ready for sex at that point as i never had sex before and had low self esteem. Anyway, a friend of mine told me she saw him kissing a co worker that night and the next day i confronted him and he only told me part of the story. During that week, i felt he wasn't telling me everything and i found out by a friend that he was kissing his co worker that night and that he had sex with another co worker that night too. I have to be honest, i've never being so heartbroken in all my life. It was HORRIBLE to say the very least. It nearly killed me. But i think what really got to me was the fact that he lied and didn't come clean straight away that really affected me. It was finding out by someone else that really cut me like a knife.
We broke up for a few months, I had no intention of getting back with him but he really tried to get back with me, i could see that this wasn't just affecting me, but him also, he wasnt eating and wasn't sleeping, which was evident of his physical appearance and was also self harming.
After everything he did, i still loved him. I decided to give him another chance. Its been about 3/4 months now, i'm still trying my best to trust him but if i can trust him again, it will take time. Things are better than they were because we try to be honest with each other when we have problems or arguments which is alot better than ignoring them. It was also a very hard decision to get back with him as my family and some friends were and are very against it, but who said life is easy? I cry alot of the time when i think about what happened, it still hurts, but i find with time, i'm healing bit by bit and appreciate knowing the truth than not knowing at all. My bf says after the truth was revealed, a big part of him felt relieved.
My point is I'm sorry but this view of not coming clean to your 'loved one' is very detached on the others persons scenario- the partner that got cheated on. It seems that by focusing on how guilty you feel of this mistake,you forget to analyse the topic - 'if i were cheated on, would i want to know?'. You need to put yourself in their shoes. Trust is everything in the relationship, whether he/she decides to attempt to forgive and trust you again is completely up to that person. The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.
Yes, you admit you made a mistake, but how many 'mistakes' are you willing to go through until you actually learn. Its very easy to convince yourself that a situation is really not that bad, especially when no one can get hurt. Wrong! Yes you will hurt the person by telling them, but its more hurtful not telling them, purely selfish by justifying that you can't tell them because you know you'll lose them. Hey, we all make mistakes, im not preeching to be perfect, but for every mistake we make, we must also suffer the consequences. Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness.
Im not saying a person that cheats is a horrible person, but you need to be honest to yourself and that person, together ye may work on it or maybe the other person won't be able to, but you need to respect that. If you truely love this person, you know deep down that they deserve the best, and the best is reality, being aware of the good side, the bad side and the mistakes you have made, they are entitled to it, they are not entitled to living a lie. At the very least, i would passionately suggest you end the relationship if you don't have the heart to tell them the truth.
The truth is rarely pure and never simple but You never find yourself until you face the truth.
Best of luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): I'm dealing with the same guilt right now too. It's nice to know that others are beating themselves up as hard as I am. And it was funny to see the time machine comment appear so many times. I said the exact same thing.In my opinion, it is the broken trust that hurts a woman even more than the actual act. That being the case, I think that being honest was the right thing to do in my current situation. I am married though so maybe not in all situations. I felt that at least I could rebuild trust if I was honest but if I didn't tell her I would always be untrustworthy. From my past experience I also think that you are more likely to "re-offend" if you don't tell her. After a while you'll get over the guilt and you'll think: "well it was OK last time so it will be ok this time."In the end I don't know which choice is more selfish. If you hold it in she is more likely to stay with you but if you tell her you will get over the guilt faster. Both are selfish I guess but If we werent selfish guys we wouldnt be in the mess to begin with right?I wish there was a support group like AA for cheating guys. Maybe i will start it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010): From what I read, you aren't one of those "assholes" I can tell your truly sorry for your mistake. But being a female, who is engaged myself. I would not want to know. I'm sure some girls and guys will disagree with me. But if it was a one time mistake and you know deep down you will NEVER do this again, then keep silent. Don't ruin her happiness. Your punishment will be that you will live your lifetime with her in guilt. And you do deserve that. But you also deserve a second chance to prove yourself. If you tell her, or she finds out, and you stay together your relationship will never be the same. But before you decide on staying silent make sure there will be no way possible that she will ever find out. And if she ever does, do not lie. No matter how bad the outcome, she will deserve the truth from you at least. She'll need her closure. I've gone through all this myself. I found out my old boyfriend cheated. I forgave him, but we never had what we use to. And because of that I moved on months later. Truthfully, I forgave him, but my heart didn't. I never got over it. I couldn't listen to my mind without breaking my heart. I do wish you the best in your life. And I have faith in you that with your second chance in becoming her husband you will devote yourself to her. and be the best man ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): dude, i'm dealing with the same guilt you have right now.just an FYI, this is a LONG response....1 year ago i cheated on my girlfriend with my coworker.. why? well on my birthday my girlfriend was being really quiet, said she had a headache, and refused to have sex with me. actually, i wasn't having as much sex as i wanted with her for a few months (maybe twice a month). i thought the exact same thing: she's cheating on me.stupidly, i knew that my coworker had just gotten divorced as her husband hadn't had sex with her for 5 years... isnt that ridiculous? he was cheating, and she found out. obviously. in any case, i did it with my coworker, and it was the worst experience of my life. the absolute worst decision i've ever made. not only was the sex terrible, i threw up outside on my way home.anyway, after beating myself up about it, crying every night after work, not being able to eat, sleep, or even watch tv, i finally decided to keep it locked up and never to be found again. i only told 1 friend, who like yours, constantly cheats on his girlfriend without feeling guilty. but, he told me one very important thing: either you tell her now, or never. that's it. bottom-line. and he's right.1 year later i'm writing a reply to you, and recently that same friend asked me how everything was with my coworker... fucking asshole reminded me of it, and i've been killing myself thinking about it for 3 weeks now. i've been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, and have lost 5 lbs since i cant eat. i almost gave in and told my girlfriend last night about what i did. actually, i felt like i wanted to tell her tonight after i come home from work... but after doing some thinking/talking to my coworker/looking up different websites about guilt, cheating, affairs and honesty, i've decided exactly what everyone has been saying here:yes, you made a stupidly horrible mistake. but you are only human. as kids we are taught that we should learn from our mistakes, no matter how bad or stupid they are. if we dont learn from them, we'll frankly we are idiots.the other thing is: to tell or not to tell... either you wanna tell because you want to alleviate your guilt, or you wanna tell her because you want to be 100% honest with her, and always tell the truth.ever since that day last year, i feel #2.. i never ever want to lie to her. i want to be honest about everything, and i dont want to keep any secrets. but i also never ever want to hurt her..... i'm with you mate. if i could go back in a time machine, i would beat the living shit out of my past self, break all of my bones and put myself in a coma. but what's done is done, we can't change the past. we can only learn from it.this is the last website i read, before reading what your post: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/infidelity-how-to-forgive-yourself-for-cheating-13583.htmli hope it helps....and to be honest, i want to call her right now and tell her... but maybe i shouldnt.
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A
female
reader, kychick10  +, writes (24 January 2010):
Im in the same position. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We have always had our ups and downs. I have 2 kids by him too. Recently it feels like i have been falling out of love with him. This is why I decided to talk to someone else in the firtt place. Hes never home and when he is we argue. But the reason I feel so neglected by him is beause he talks to much rap towards me about things I want to do. He makes me feel im not good enough for him. Like i want to model and hes like you cant be a model because your not pretty enough. ANd he tells me i act like a kid because I want to go out every now and then. The pat I hate most is that he compares me to other girls and it makes me feel like im a piece of crap. Hes even told me he rather be by himself or with a grown up chick. So I decided to talk to this guy that i was attracted too and found out he was too. Well we took it to the next level and it felt good. He made me feel freat inside and he still does. Recently i told him we can only be friends to see if my relationship will work. But so far it hasnt but im still going to keep my promise to myself. But why feel so guilty when my own bf tells me that im not good enough? I jsut want to feel like i am loved and cared for and thos other guy does it. ANd I read a post that i liked. Do not tell the person because it will make it worse, just live with the guilt! It may take awhile but you have to forfive yourself and thats what i am going to do.
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female
reader, Reflective101 +, writes (1 June 2009):
You're human and these things happen. It's good that deep down you know part of the reason the infidelity took place, that you felt perhaps she was cheating on you. This is the part you need to analyze. Why did you think that? Did you have any reason to think that? If you had no reason to think that, then move on to another reason for having cheated. Maybe you needed more attention than you were getting. Then you have to wonder if your need for attention is unreasonable and why. Then at least you have something to work on. Obviously this is a bad scenario, but you have to work on self discovery and not on beating yourself up. The natural guilt that you feel is enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): I Cheated on my boyfriend too. I am also wracked with guilt.
I have been with my boyfriend for five months and already know hes the guy I'm going to marry. There is no doubt in my mind hes the one for me. Yet I cheated.
Not any excuse for this. He lives in another province, I seem him once every two months. I have had major self esteem issues since I was in a previous very abusive relationship. Two months ago I slept with a friend of mine on two seperate occasions. I don't know why. I was drinking, and he made me feel good about myself. Its hard to feel wanted by someone who lives 2 days away from you. This is the lowest point of my life. I can't tell my boyfriend. Because why lose someone I love so much, or hurt them, because of something so stupid. I will forever live with this guilt.
Now I am in fear of being caught. My ex friend decided to tell some people in the small town he lives in. Everyone there now thinks I cheated on him. Except for him and his close friends who know me. This old friend of mine is manipulative and everyone thinks shes lying. Shes not though. And What would I do if she brought up names and dates, proof of my infidelity. I felt I could live with it as we had only been together for three months, only a month in the same city. And now I am moving to be with him in two weeks. Going to deal with the judgemental eyes of a small town. I could never tell him. I will deny it forever. Because to have him look at me with any distrust in his eyes would surely be the end of me. I love him so much. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): oo your not a horrible person. i did the same thing, the same exact thing. I felt like a piece of crap for a very long time. Worse then anything, the guy I cheated on my fiance with was an acquintance of his!! I struggled for a long time on whether I should tell him, out of guilt and out of fear of what the consequences would be if someone told him. In the end, I didnt want to risk losing him. I never told him. And as bad is it sounds, the guilt does fade away. All you can do is promise yourself that you will never ever do anything like that again. Sometimes it takes a screwed up situation like that to make u realize what a great person you have. Dont risk losing her. Don't tell her. Work it out within yourself. Do you really want to break her heart and lose her all at the same time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): I know exactly how you feel, and am glad that there are others here who feel like this. I too thought I would never ever wind up as one of those assholes who cheats on their partner, but life is funny like that. Sometimes things do happen.
Basically, I hate myself because I got drunk and made out with someone who wasn't my girlfriend. It's not an excuse, but my girlfriend lives on another continent, so it goes without saying it's the ultimate long distance relationship. I was trying to arrange an open relationship with her because I know I do not handle long distance relationships well, and full out told her this as well as my concerns about it, but she told me that either we're exclusive or we had to break up. Well, I love her so much, she's my life, so I chose to be exclusive and just have really good self control. Well, we have been having problems, I was drinking, and ended up making out with a friend who has a crush on me, in no way is it an excuse, but now I also feel terrible guilt, I feel sick all the time, and it's making it very difficult to live with myself.
However, here is what I've learned.
I know in my heart that generally I once was a good person with morals. I'm a terrible no god awful person now for what I've done, but before that, I was good, and I think I can be again. I've learned from this experience, to never ever cheat again, on anyone ever, no matter how far away they might live. In a way guilt is good, because we can see what we're made of and what we really want out of life. Now, I have a friend who has cheated on his wife many times, but the differences is he never feels bad about it, and I know you're not this kind of person and neither am I. Guilt is like a seat belt for the soul, it reels us in. You've learned from this experience.
I personally would not tell your girlfriend, because it will just cause everyone more pain. You're never going to do it again right? It will be hard, but just try to be a better person because of it, and think of the guilt as a reminder to use better self control in the future, as I wish I had.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Its ok.
not actually ok but things happen that sometimes need to happen.
Now you know you love her and you know what YOU'LL NEVER DO AGAIN.
think of it as a mistake and learn from it. I'm not saying its right it ANY way but look at it like this, your not married yet and now you are absolutely set in knowing what you want and who you love.
Dont tell her because you end up with a clear conscience and she now has this huge burden that is probably harder to live with then your secret.
so learn from it and dont do it agian.
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female
reader, Diana Nersisyan +, writes (21 February 2009):
Hi ,
Well u did a very bad thing but you know what i like about u? i like it that u actually feel really guilty not that's justifying it at all but you seem like u are really in love with your fiancee and wish u had never done it. But i guess thats still not justifying it.....hmmmm i dont know what to say but you definitly should never tell her ...even if she forgave u she would never forget it and is always going to be suspicious about you. I hope that you never ever ever repeat that mistake again. Just move on with your guilt but with only the learned lesson, never to repeat it again. Good Luck Buddy!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): I know what its like to cheat as well. I've sworn to myself thatI would never even dream of doing it. And the only way I could everDeal with it was to tell (by any means one wishes) him or her about It. I've cheated before this most recent one and I told her. BecauseI knew it was her decision if we we're to stay together. For some reason, A reason only known to her, we're still together. She knows humans makeMistakes and cheating is a big one. Though alcohol was involved both timeI still do not blame it for my stupidity. Seek professional help if you wishBut the only person's words that should mean anything about you cheating is yourpartners. You can choose to deal with the guilt anyway you wish, but you need onlyTo tell your partner and and accept that you have no control over the outcomeExcept to not partake in the event in the first place. Wish I listened to myself In the first place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): I don't know if anyone is still reading this page but I too cheated on my boyfriend with an ex-boyfriend. The situation was this- I met and fell completely in love with my boyfriend months before I moved to study abroad in Europe. That summer when I left an ex-boyfriend called to let me know that he would be visiting his family there at the same time I was and that we should travel around together. This ex-boyfriend I couldn't stand then and abesolutley hate now; but he was the first person to break my heart and so for some weird reason the years following our breakup/s I was always really weak to him. Stubbornly and stupidly I agreed to travel with him, I knew exactly what I was getting into by doing this but for some reason this stubborn side of me told myself that it would be ok. Meanwhile my poor boyfriend back in the US is begging me not to go travel around with this ex-boyfriend/freind that he doesn't even know. I went ahead anyway partly because it gave me the opportunity to travel in parts of Africa that I would probably never get to see without a local guide- worth it? abesolutley not- no experience on this earth is worht the hell that I have put myself through from doing this. I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend more than once during this time period and each time it ended in me crying and missing my boyfriend and feeling completely lost and heart broken. I don't know why I or anyone would put them selves through this misery but I did it anyway. The sex was good but it sex is so not worth any of this. (plus the sex with my boyfriend is great!). The next following months I continue to write a few e-mails here and there with my ex-boyfriend- and of course he is a total ass hole but I just played along as a dumb girl and all the same while never telling my boyfriend about any of it. Of course, my boyfriend knew everything; and the first time I saws him he came to visit me in Paris and he asked if I had cheated and I lied and told him no. I didn't confess to him until a month and a half later and I had to get all intoxicated to do it. Part of me is happy for telling him but the other part almost feels worse that it took me so long and I couldn't be straight foward about it. Naturally, he knew already he was upset; but he was the best he could have been, the most forgiving, maybe not supportive but we discussed lessons learned and realized that this could never happen again. However, to this day- almost a year and a half later, there are still times where I am completely overridden with sorrow and grief from these mistakes. I know I will never cheat again. I question my self-worth and feel such heavy grief and sadness from it sometimes, tho. I can't seem to forgive myself completely. My boyfriend says he has moved on but sometimes I want to talk to him about it still but it is too painful really I think for him. So he just shuts me up and says something along the lines of are you ever going to do it again and of course my answer is no. Usually we are really happy but when I get to feeling bad about mistakes again and want to talk to him about it he is tired of talking about it (which I understand; but we don't talk about it that much every 5/6 months or so I might say something about it) and he gets veryfrustrated with me. But my grief is getting to the point lately over the situtaion that it is frustrating and jepordizing our relationship and my other relationships with people... I know it seems like I am just wallowing in self pity, and to a degree I am, but I guess my point is if you really love someone you would never want to cheat on them or hurt them in anyway. I hope, well I know that as time goes by this experience will fade in to a vague memory and then into a glimpse of time and then into something that really never was but in the mean time my heart breaks every time I think about it.
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female
reader, sandrareynolds  +, writes (2 October 2008):
I'll be honest with you, everything you said in your message was what my boyfriend told me the day after he cheated. He came to me and told me the truth....but the problem is....he'd done this before. about 3 years earlier...no sex...just the other stuff...but it was enough to break my heart....one year on and i still cant forget wot happened. it haunts me everyday...my advice to you is to NOT tell her...and go and seek professional help...if you really love her then dont put this pain onto her...dont tell her and seek professional help because your the one with the problem. dont put your problems on her....if in two or three years time the same thing happens...then you must leave her and walk away from this relationship to save her pain and torment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): I know exactly how you feel, I love my boyfriend so much but i stupidly cheated on him with someone that has a girlfriend and they have recently broke up because she found out, me and my boyfriend are still together because i cant bare the thought of living without him but everyday i feel so guilty i recently went on holiday and thats all i could think of. i need help too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Did you (or in the case of your fiacee's suspected cheating) have sex? What exactly happened? Maybe she would not consider something short of sex (kissing, making out) as cheating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): I know what you're going through. I cheated on my fiance awhile back, and we are getting married in a couple weeks. I chose not to tell him, because I knew he would leave me. The guilt is awful, but on the other hand, if he had/has cheated on me, by this point I'd rather not know about it. So make sure she can't find out. I'm just trying to focus on the future. And forgive myself. That's all you can do, if you chose not to tell, and make damn sure it doesn't happen again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Wow... All I can say is that I never needed advice more in my life than at this point. I am 24 years old. I met my fiance exactly a year ago and we were friends at first. I was just getting over a relationship where the man broke up with me after me moving halfway around the country for him. I met my fiance 3 months after the breakup. To be honest, I only liked him as a friend at first then I started to fall for him. He is the sweetest man ever, treats me like gold values me and is everything I could ever want.../ BUT there is always a but huh...In the area of sex he cannot last or fulfill me sometimes. I have been trying to be so supportive of him in that area even though I get frustrated. After 4 months of dating I went on a trip with an old friend. We were childhood friends and I ended up sleeping with him. we used protection and it meant absolutely nothing to me. I felt horrible for what I did. My flesh made me feel as though I were not thinking and I just wanted to feel wanted. I have issues with that. I came back and literally forced myself to forget it happened. My heart was not in it in any sense of the word. I have never done anything to hurt my fiance than what he doesn't know.... he thinks I am perfect.. I do everything in the world for him because the fact of the matter is I do love him and I want to be there for him forever... I just don't know if this is possible now. Wait.. it gets worse. :( months passed by... I stayed faithful I never wanted anything with anyone else.. I was on cloud 9 happy with him. I was thinking of ways to help him in school, and he is ilegal so I knew that being married would help him finally become legal and work legally. It's hard to believe but this man means everything to me. So last week.... The worst thing ever happened. I know feel doomed.,. gulity is an understatement and I don;t know what to do... I am so crushed. Last week I asked my fiance (we have been engaged for 6 weeks) if he wanted to do it in the back deat of my car. I love sex and I have a stronger drive then him. He declined me. I felt horrible, unwanted and went to see a friend of mine to go bowling. It happened . The whole time I knew I should turn around but me desire to be satisfied was uncontrolable. After that me and my fiance saw a sex therapist. I realize just how much a really love hime more than ever... He doesn;y know and has told me several times that he would not forgive cheating. So now,,, I am truly lost, scared, guilty, regretful, and every other feeling that can come from holding in a lie from someone who loves me and I love. I am one hundred percent sure I want to be with him forever.... I can control myself knowing what I want and being able to express feelings to him so that he can keep me satsfied. The other friend mean nothing and let me stress nothing to me at all. Here comes a huge catch. we got legally married yesterday without him knowing what I did. I did this to help him become legal if not I should have waited until out covenant marraige next year// What should I do? I am being pulled both ways... #1 learn from this, forgive myself and start new now that we are married and make a vow to myself and God (which I have done) to never do this again ever... for as long as we live.. But can that work? Will the guilt eat me a live and not let us have the realtionship I have always wanted with him? #2 Tell him what I did.. I know he will leave me, he will never look at me the same or realize and beileve that it was a problem I had that I have dealth with, that I love him and that I want to make it up to him by laking him the happiest man on earth and I know I can... I really do it every day. #3 walk away and end it without telling him why so It doens't really hurt him.. I don't want to hurt him or myself anymore but more HIM. this is the worst feeling in the whole world. Please someone help. I am at odds with the toughouest decision I have ever made. We are legally married now.. Help please. Shold I get in annulled without telling him? Is there still time? Thank you... from the bottom of my heart
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): why do you cheat don't you know it only hurts someone----especially some one that you say you care for so much. is one night screwing someone really worth evrything elese. how do you expect forgivesness if the shoe was on the other foot you know you would have walked away. this coming from someone who just found out the the man she's spent the last 5 years with-----the man of her two kids just cheated on herr
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Hi, I am exactly in your position. I love my fiancee with all my heart and I am crying my eyes out right now too...it just makes me feel a little better that I am not alone. I am horrible. I'm scared to death of losing him and I'm also scared of going to hell for knowing that it is wrong to lie and enter a sacred marriage with this lie(I don't know if you're religious or not)I cheated on him and have kept it from him for months but I am scared to tell him because I know I will lose him. Even if he was to take me back, I don't think it would ever be the same between us. And to tell him right now when everything is so perfect between us (except for this guilt of mine).It was a mistake and I know it will never happen again, but I feel horrible for keeping this from him while he sits there and thinks I'm perfect. I don't know what to do either...some people just don't understand that you can love someone with all your heart but just have a weak moment and screw it up for no reason...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Yes it's hard to tell the truth and people say they don't want to tell their significant other because it will hurt them to much. But in all reality - those people are the cowards because they aren't really looking out for the other person, they are only looking out for themselves. They don't want to deal with any consequences that may arise based on their behaviors
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): I know it's hard, but you owe it to her, yourself, and the love that you share to tell her the truth. You need to let her be the one that decides what the outcome, she deserves that. If your love is as true as you say, then she may want to work through your infidelity. Good luck, I hope you do decide to do the right thing and tell your fiance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): I happened to do the same thing. I know that if I were to tell my partner, that he would be so hurt, deeply, not just for a week & get over it, even if he did break up with me, but truly hurt. I choose not to tell him, and I will forever live with the guilt, on a daily basis. and that is my punishment, for the rest of my life - for the mistake I made, but I choose to love him, and make my life about him, and try to be the best damn person that I could be for him. Even if I did make a mistake. I will make it up to him. I do understand the mentality for telling the partner, however, I love him so much, I wonder if I would want him to tell me if he cheated... I dont' think I would want to know....
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): If you love your fiancee like you said you do, the common question is...why'd you do it? Drunk? But you remembered what happened? Come clean with it. Tell her.
Suspected your fiancee of cheating on you? Ask her. Instead of assuming she is, ask her. If your doubting yourself about her answer, do some work, investigation.
You need to face the consequences of what you've caused. The girl you slept with may be pregnant. Have you thought about that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): You won't get over the guilt - my finance done the same thing to do me and we split up over it and to this day he's still feeling guilty and chews himself up over it!!
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male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (5 March 2007):
 I can only imagine what you are going through.
The fact remains that you did something you knew you shouldn't and now you concience is gnawing at you.
Aparently you do have a concience, which most people nowadays lack.
The problem is that your concience is not quite as well trained as it should be.
Hence the thing you should do to start healing the wound.
The medicine you need to take may have a horrible taste to it but in most cases it is what you need to make you better.
In this case it is coming clean with your girl and hoping she cares enough about you to stick around.
You sound like a person that will eventually tell her anyway so I would recommend you tell her the first chance you get. If you wait it will compound the problem and she will be even more likely to back out of the relationship with you. Then go from there. I hope it works for you. Doc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): personally, i think you don't deserve her. Infact i think you should stop having relationships all together. i mean, if you can't even trust you girlfriend, then brother, you need some serious counselling. once you've mastered your trust issues, go ahead and try again. Good luck and Peace out...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): I know exactly what you are going through. Did the same thing last night, but to my husband. I hate myself. I have been crying all day. I told him and he just went to bed to sleep. I feel like I am dying inside. I am so ashamed of myself and feel totally worthless. I hate that I did it, I hate that I hurt him. I had no reason to do it. I love my husband and am so happy in my relationship with him. Now I don't know what is going to happen. If I will lose my marrage because I am a horrible selfish drunk. Who thinks of noone, but them self. I just feel like dying
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reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 March 2007):
I have good news and I have bad news. Lets start with the bad news, most of which you already know, but I will spell it out for you to make it clearer, and then I will try give you some options to go forward.
You have cheated on your girlfriend, so to sum up your problems:
1. You have broken the trust of your partner, and put your relationship at risk.
2. You have done the wrong thing for yourself and your love for your partner, and feel ashamed and guilty.
3. You have done something which you didn't consider to be within your capabilities, and have therefore contradicted your previous perception of who you are, or your idealized version of who you want to be.
4. You are insecure in your relationship because you suspected your partner of cheating on you, so you have trust issues with her in addition to having broken her trust.
These problems have implications for you, and your relationship, depending on what you choose to do.
Here is the good news.
You can re-earn your partner's trust. You can solidify your relationship. You can forgive yourself for your mistake and replace your guilt and shame with love and self worth. You can accept the person you have been in the past, and learn to not judge yourself based on your mistakes, and can go on to be the person you want to be and choose to be by learning from your mistakes and using this knowledge to not want to repeat them. You can communicate with your partner to build trust in the future, trust you need from her and trust you will need to give her.
So what are the chances of you being able to do all of these things? Well, some of them good, the ones you are in control of, the others not so good. Here's what I think gives you your best shot at happiness and the best outcomes.
For you:
You need to accept that you made a mistake, and that it was you who did it, and take responsibility for it. I think you have already done this, that is one of the reasons you are upset an feeling guilty. If you accept the idea that you don't have to define yourself by this mistake, and that you can choose to be something else from here on in, you can allow youself to forgive yourself and love yourself. This is important to resolve your feelings of shame and guilt. It is ok that you never thought that you would be "one of those guys" and that it turned out to be true. If you can learn to not judge yourself (and others) and take it as a big lesson, you can use it to really choose who you want to be in the future.
For your relationship: You cannot control the outcome of your relationship from here. If you choose to not tell her, you create further lies and deceit, you will not be able be yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, and you will not resolve your trust issues because the truth will be you are still not trustworthy. At an unconcious level, you will both know. If you choose to tell her, you can open your heart and seek relationship councelling or do whatever you and her think is best, and move forward. Sometimes the relationship survives, sometimes it does not. What you are worried about is that, if you tell her, you will lose her. Unfortunately, that may be the case, and you can't control how she feels, if she will be willing to trust you again, etc, but I think it is still your best option. The option of truth and love and respect is always the right one, you might not get everything you want (in other words, the relationship), but you will be able to be ok for the rest of your life. There is no point in keeping the relationship through living a lie and not be ok for the rest of your years because you are living with that lie. Not everyone will agree with me here, but that is my opinion on the matter.
You will need to decide what you believe, and choose from here.
Good luck!
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 March 2007):
 Why do you suspect her of cheating on you? What makes you think this way? You seem genuinely sorry about this and I would usually say to come clean about it and be honest. But in this case I'm going to say the opposite. You were steaming drunk! Now I'm not condoning what you did, it was very wrong but you already know that or you wouldn't be feeling so bad about it. Your saving grace is the fact you both live in different cities just now so I would forget about this, put it totally out of your mind. The more you think about it the worse you're going to feel so just block it out and move on.
Let it be a lesson to you in the future though. DON'T drink to the point where haven't all your faculties about you. I get the impression the reason you got so drunk is because you felt sorry for yourself and thought she might be cheating on you. First of all you need to sort out this niggling feeling you have about your girlfriend NOT being faithful. Talk it over with her and get to the bottom of it. Once that's sorted then I suggest you try to sort out the distance problem. Is there no way you could move to be with her?
Eve
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