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female
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*eccajane
writes: I am nearly 17 and have been in a relationship with my partner, who is older than me, for about 8 months. Last week I went to my friend's party and ended up sleeping with her husband. He took me home in the morning and on the way he suggested going to a hotel for the night one time. I told him that there was no way that anything like this would happen again and told him that as far as I was concerend it was a stupid drunken mistake and that we both could lose everything. Now I am so ashamed of myself and can't bring my self to sleep with my boyfriend because of the guilt. I am getting really depressed over what I have done and can't talk to anybody. There is no way I can tell my boyfriend if I want to stay with him. I really do love him even though I haven't shown this recently. Please give my some advice to get myself back on track. thanks
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cheated on my boyfriend, depressed, drunk, friend's husband Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2005): Well, hun, what's done is done. I'm not going to judge you, you already have done that to yourself. Your letter sounds remorseful and you fully take responsibility for your role in this act of deceit & infidelity with your friend's husband. I think you learned a hard lesson and I bet, something like this will never happen again. Some of us just have to learn things the hard way. We all have regrets. They are the things we all wish we hadn't said or done, in our pasts. It's what makes us all human. Now you need to move forward and get on with life. But you have to think about forgiving yourself but remember, self-forgiveness is not about forgetting. You will never forget. Forgiving yourself is simply letting go of the guilt and scorn you are holding against yourself so that you can move on with your life and it will take time. Life is full of choices and every choice we make will either take us in a positive, life-giving direction or rob us of the opportunity to be a life-giving individual. So its' essential you forgive you. But it does not let you off the hook, it does not justify what you have done. It's a choice that takes courage and strength, and it gives us the opportunity to become an overcomer rather than remaining a victim of our own scorn. You can't turn the clock back so just take the life lesson you learned from this and become more mature, intuitive, wiser, more insightful, more careful. And always make the best choices in your life, from now on. Best of luck and take care
A
male
reader, IrishKeeth +, writes (2 November 2005):
Fist of all, if you really want to stay with your boyfriend longer than the immediate future, you need to tell him. If you don't do it now, you will have to eventually. The guilt will eat you up. If it comes out later, he will resent you even more for it. Think about how he will feel if you tell him about it after you two are married. Your chances of being forgiven are greater now than they will be months from now. He might leave you. You can't help that now. But you made a mistake. Don't make matters worse buy lying about it. As far as your friend, the same thing applies. But I would approach that by urging her husband to be the one to break the news. I know this is hard, but you have to do the right thing here, and that is almost never easy.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 November 2005):
 I couldn't help but notice that you don't mention your "friend" whose husband you slept with and how awful you feel about what you did to HER. Since we are talking about people you party with there is a good chance your boyfriend will find out sooner or later. Your best bet is to talk to him and hope he understands and will forgive you. Then stay off the booze so it doesn't happen again. And for cry out loud, lay off the MARRIED men or should I say don't lay married men. You are only 17 and you've got a good start on screwing up your life. Straighten up.
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A
female
reader, lyndsey +, writes (1 November 2005):
Your still young and you've made a mistake, one you have already learned from. You've done the right thing in telling your friends husband to stay away, im guessing he was a lot older than you and he's taken advantage of you.Keep your distance from him and don't tell anyone about it, a lot of people could get hurt. Spend some quality time with your boyfriend and be a good friend to your mate the guilt will go in time, try not to beat yourself up your only human and we all make mistakes.
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