A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been going out for 10 years. I cheated on him last year for the first time. I told him about it and he wants out. I feel cheated because he has had affiars several times and i have always forgiven him. I'm very confused now. Should i just forget about him and move on?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): We all have our shortcomings and I am no exception. I am 35, married and been having this affair with a woman my same age and also married. It's been going on for over a year. My wife has never really let go in the bedroom and I question she even likes sex all that well, or ever has. I think she views it more as merely a wifely chore she is obligated to do, and less is better. It's like let's get it over with so I can get to sleep. My wife was raised in a very conservative religious environment. I think her head is still filled with all that crap she was taught at an early age regarding the sinful nature of sex. My lover pretty much complains the same about her husband. I have never met any woman I have enjoyed sex with as much as her. We get down and dirty in bed and do all the things my wife and her husband would never do. We can let ourselves go with no inhibitions and enjoy every blissful moment of it. Common sense tells me it will eventually lead to divorce for all of us. My advice to anyone out there......If you don't think you are sexually well matched with your partner, don't get married. It can, and most likely will, lead to disasterous consequences. Yes, we are awful and cheaters. I offer no excuses or justification for our behavior.
A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (2 October 2007):
 Your heart is the last to heal. It takes time, but it does eventually. Just like when you fall and scrape your knee, a wound forms and then becomes a scab and then finally heals. Sometimes it leaves a scar, but that scar to me is the scar that you will always remember how it happened. Just like when you look at him, do you ever think about the past and how many women he has cheated on you? I know we women can forgive, many of us have, but it is hard to forget. However, when it keeps happening and happening, what are you saying about yourself? It's ok? Keep doing it? More the marrier? No, when we say this will no longer be tolerated, we need to back what we say up with actions and mean what we say. It will be his loss, not your's. Only from what you have said, it seems as if he does not want to change and he knows you will forgive him each time. There doesn't sound as if he is remorseful and promises that this would never happen again and that he is truly sorry and wants to show you that he is. All I can say, please don't let him walk all over you. You sound as if you have a big heart, like me, but understand this...there will be those that take advantage of us and when you see it, notice it...no matter how much you may love them, you cannot let them walk over you...you just can't. You are short changing your life when you could be with someone that can honestly love you and mean it by his actions. No two wrongs make a right, you too still need to figure out why you cheated on him...he may have had more affairs, but I think deep down, you know why you did.
You will in time get over him, not over night...just like losing weight...there is no miracle cure. We have to go through the motions. What I will say is this...sometimes that time is good because it lets us reflect back during those times when we are alone so we can see and figure things out even more. Then, make smarter and wiser choices in the future.
Good Luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 October 2007):
 I know you may feel cheated. Cheating wasn't right for him to do, you forgave him, it wasn't right for you to do either. Just because you forgave him, does that obligate him to do the same?
I was with my daughters mother for almost 8 years. It was hard. She was the one not being faithful, so we had to end it. I found though it was hard because I was use to the life we had, and having her there. It's now been 11 years since the divorce, I have developed myself, and found the KEY to many relationships and being HAPPY so these things don't happen it you need to be happy being you and be happy with who you've become before sharing life with someone else. Once you do that and find someone who is the same, now you have two who are happy with who they are, sharing their happiness with one another, but neither on is attached to the relationship its self. Every moment together then becomes a choice they make.
Now I want you to please eliminate the fact that he cheated on you for a minute. You keep saying, he did this. You forgave him for it, so that erases that excuse from why you chose to. What lead up to your choice t cheat. What actions, behaviors, and emotions would you say preceded your action.
Cheating is not something that is generally planned. "Get up in the morning on your calendar, wake kids, kiss hubby, find someone to cheat with" It doesn't quite happen like that.
I want you to look deep within yourself and figure what was going on in your life that was strong enough to lower your sense of self, you restraint, and would allow (used in a different sense, not condoning the action) you to risk this 10 year relationship.
After you are done with all that, then you will have the tools to forgive yourself and have an actual non fabricated, no (hear that one all the time) apology for your husband. Now this may not save this relationship, or it may, but it gets you on the right track for rebuilding yourself and becoming a much better person than you were before. Saying sorry really has no meaning unless we really understand why we are saying it.
I hope this helps you get started. Take care
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all those who have sent in a response to my question. I really appreciate this. But it is soo scary to give up 10years of my life with him. I feel soo cheated. I have lost count of the number of times he has cheated on me and the number of times i have forgiven him. My head understands the answers given but my heart is breaking up real bad.
Any pointers on how to go about this? To think i almost committed suicide because of him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): i think you both gotta go your seperate ways n' admit to yourselfs n' eachother that its time to do it. goood luck i know its really hard
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 September 2007):
You'll never forget. You will need to prepare yourself for refiling his deceptive ways. What I hate to see in relationships is where someone was hurt by someone else previous, then they bring that pain to the next relationship, carrying with them distrust the new partner doesn't deserve. Leave the cheating with the one who caused it and give your new partner a fair chance to earn or disearn your trust.
You do need to move on. No body deserves the treatment he caused you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (26 September 2007):
Personally, yes....and the reason is because relationships and people's feelings should not be "played" with. And it sounds that he has been playing yours and you take him back and now you played his and you expect him to take you back.
I don't think either one of you are ready for a "real" relationship where you don't cheat on each other and you are really sincere to be with one another.
Trust has been broken, and trust is the number one "piece of glue" that holds any relationship together. Once it is gone, it is extremly hard to get it back. It takes hard work to earn it back and to prove it back.
I would suggest moving on and not get involved with someone who does this and you yourself, work on why you did cheat on him as well so it will not happen in any of your future relationships so the next will be strong and a happy one.
Best of Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 i think you both need to go your seperate ways, because if you're both cheating, the trust has gone and the relationship needs its foundations rebuilt but he wants out and maybe you should make a clean break for it aswel.
move on and don't look back.
best of luck
...............................
|
