A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i need advice, i have been in a 12 step programme for 2 yrs and met a guy at the meetings i really felt a connection with 1 year ago. nothing happend because i was in a relationship of 12 years already,i left my boyfriend for 4 months to sort out my feeling and this other guy said he has feelings for me then changed his mind and said he is not ready. I went back to my boyfriend to work things out. Now 3 months later this other guy is back in my life and decided he would like to have a sexual experience with me after a lot of thinking and deciding i agreed, now that it has happend he is just ignoring me totally, think he has lost respect for me because i am still in a realationship.... and i feel really humiliated, thought it would end up being more than just sex. please help....... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI there ... thank you for the advice on this situation and i agree im not actually in a position to make these big decisions in relationships, im still trying to learn who i am and to be honest im not sure i know yet, im definately not the same person i used to be 2 years ago i think i have grown alot in other aspects of my life, im still trying to figure out how this happend because even before i got into the 12 step programme this is something i would not have even thought of doing (crazy).... i cant live in the past and i have some big decisions to make and do not want to hurt people i care about in the process of finding out who i want to be and who i am.... my ego was severly bruised by the whole experience but now i must let it go and realise my ego got me into this messin the first place.... i'll admit it did feel good knowing someone else found me attractive (sad) but i realise now that is not all life has to offer there is a great big beautiful world out there with so many wonderful things to experience and it does not have to revolve around sex ....
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 February 2007):
 Now that you realize you've made a poor choice, you have to move on. Deal with the present and try to figure out what happened. You're in a 12 step program so you've got soe issues. Find out what makes you tick and remember where you went astray. Perhaps a therapist might help. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): Hi, I have never been in a 12 step program, but it seems to me the guy telling you he wanted to have a sexual experience with you was just another addiction that he was giving into, and you went along with it. He told you what he wanted, sex, so I am confused as to why you thought sex would lead to relationship. Sex is never a guarantee that someone will fall in love with you, maybe lust, but not love.
I can understand you wanting to date other men having never dated anyone else but your boyfriend of 12 years.
But date around, don't sleep around, and break off your relationship with the boyfriend first, OK?
I think 12 years is an awfully long time to be in a relationship, it may be keeping you from growing as a person if you are in a 12 step program, what is the pain that put you there in the first place? Is this relationship of yours a happy one? Is he controlling you to the point where you don't know who you are any more?
My suggestion is to take a time out from all dating relationships and be on your own for quite some time until you can feel your own voice and identity, get some self confidence back and go out and conquer your fears.
I would not beat yourself up over having sex with this man, you had feelings for him, he probably likes you as well, it just felt good to you to assert some independence, you just chose a rather poor way of doing that....but I think it is a symptom of the deeper issue that I allude to above, you need to become more emotionally independent would be my hunch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): You are absolultely right, i do feel guilty and i do not think thingse will ever be the same, i made a choice and itwas a really bad, if i wanna act like a single person then i should be single. I have never had a relationship with any other person in my life except my boyfriend and i was being very selfish by just thinking of what i can get out of it and believe me it was not much....Thank you for your advice i really appreciate it.I know now that my relationship should be called off at this stage and i need to decide what kind of person i want to be, stange how your morals come in to question over night when its something you would never even have considered in the past, one guy shows some interest in me and i jump, how very very sad.I told him a year ago that i had feeling for him and he agreed that he felt the same way, was devestated when he changed his mind, then when he comes back and decides he likes me (just for sex) i take that with both hands how very sad............
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (27 February 2007):
How do you know if he lost repect for you? You don't know that he ever had any. You're trying to let yourself off the hook to easily. You say "Now 3 months later this other guy is back in my life"..Was it like POOF, he appeared in a flash? YOU let him back in your life. "He decided he would like to have a sexual experience with me" WOW, what a huge decision on his part. You say you did a lot of thinkinga bout this and decide cheating on your boyfriend was an appropriate choice. Hmmm....
Well unfortunatly you'll have to live with your humiliation and that too is appropriate. Throoughout this dilema, you NEVER once mention any remorse about what you did to your boyfriend. If you spend some more time thinking, you might think about this. If the other guy knows you're in a relationship and he knows that you're willing to take your clothes off and go to bed with him, what should he "respect" about that behaviour. Also, do you think it might concern him that if he was to start dating you that you might do the same thing to him. Based on whta he knows about you, that would be an assumption guaged on his experience with you and it would be accurate.
You see, doing the proper thing rrequires integrity and tough choices. Caving in to our desires at the cost of our character is too high a price. We make mistakes, as you did. Being apart form your boyfriend was the proper thing to do. You would have been free to play the field. That was the right time to meet other men. Now, as long as you stay with your boyfriend, you'll have to carry this secret with you. That is, if you feel guilty about it.
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A
female
reader, hails  +, writes (27 February 2007):
 id say he wants to have his cake an eat it, an you should tell him wr to go. it seems to me like your boyfriend loves you a lot and if you still love him then you should 4get about other guy as hes messin you about an hurtin ur feelings.
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