A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:how can i tell if my partner is cheating? i caught him on the computer putting a profile on a site called sexsearch at four in the morning when i was eight mnths pregnant. I told him to leave but he begged me to not make him leave and when i asked him why he did it he just said he didnt know and that it was a fantasy thing.Since then i have found it increasingly hard to trust him as he has lied to me about all sorts of stuff from the very beggining, when i get upset or i start asking him about things he acts really defensively,and when i get upset he says its become boring and calls me a child even though i am the older one.This hurts so much but he says he would never hurt me or cheat on me,even though he had posted a profile trying to find sex on the internet,and my gut instinct tells me there is something going on. He used to pop home and see me in the day and i could call him when i needed to and now i can only phone him at dinner time and he never pops home to see me anymore.i asked about going to the gym with him and he said we would get a home gym and then he started going to the gym with his brother.help im so lost. he makes me feel like i am going mad. he has told me now to sought counselling to cure me of these suspisions and trust issues i have.please can someone give me some help.Im not ugly and i have a lovely personality so what the hell is going on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): hi there, similar kind of thing happend to me when i was pregnant. you need to be strong and KNOW you would be absolutely fine on your own. dont stay with him if he makes you feel this way. is this guy even genuinely sorry??? did you give him an ultimatum and mean it??? if he doesn't put you before anything else now then he never will so lose him! it'll be his loss. keep your chin up and your head strong.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): He has done the wrong thing and is now trying to shift the blame onto you, by making out that the problem is your lack of trust -- when you have good reason not to trust him because of his actions -- and that is his fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): the anon male is way off. he has biased opinions as if he thinks men can do no wrong. i'd like to see what he'd say if the women were putting sex profiles on a sex website. why would trust be the problem in the relationship when this guy is the one looking to sleep around? he is the one who should not be trusted. it isn't your fault.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Hi
If he is a liar, then hes a liar. Not a lot you can do about that. Some peoples first reaction to anything is lie about it. I think thats probably a compulsive liar. Been there done that bought the t shirt with a guy like that.
Nothing wrong with him wanting to go to the gym & spend quality time with his bro, its the fact hes not actually saying that & fobbing you off that would concern me. Why is he so secretive?
The internet thing isnt something i would put up with either, if he was just looking at porn then fine, but is sexsearch a profile thing to talk to real people? Thats not something i could live with im afraid. Especially as its blatently sex orientated.
But only you know what you can accept. And as for the counselling? Haha so he gets caught checking into a sex profile site, lies to you, leaving you to not be able to trust him basically, and says YOU need counselling?
That was something my ex said to me. Even said he thinks there was a shortfall from my family as a kid, and thats why im untrusting. I was untrusting because, like you, my gut feeling was that he was a lying sod! and guess what, he admitted he was after i binned him off. So, me need counselling???I am still chuckling about it a couple of months on to be quite honest! Ha!
Hope you get it sorted though. I cant stand lies.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): I wouldn't be particularly concerned about what he gets up to on the internet. It will always be a source for porn in one form or another, and no sensible guy could possibly believe that those sex sites really work.
Your boyfriend is right about one thing the real problem in this relationship is TRUST. You can never underestimate how important that is in a relationship!
However, calling youa child and telling you you need councilling is not the way to deal with it. If you don't trust him, it's because he hasn't earned that trust (or lost it) and HE needs to work on that.
If he doesn't want you to make him go then he obviously still has very strong feelings for you.
You need to find a way to communicate your problem to him in a way that is accusing or suspicious. Whilst i suspect the problem lies slightly more with you boyfriend it's NOT ALL his fault.
It's not at all uncommon for one partener to want time appart from the other, especially at the gym when he's hardly likely to be looking his best. I would suggest finding a shared activity you could do in the evening, or just go out and do something different by yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): I would trust your gut, something may be going on, if nothing else, your boyfriend is disrespecting you. I am sorry that you are pregnant with his child and unmarried, this leaves a huge gap in his commitment level to you and the relationship....I would suggest going to couples counseling, and if he refuses, go alone, it will help you make a decision about how much crap you are willing to put up with from him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): He is just like a lot of men. He is bored & wants a new piece of tail. it has nothing to do with you, you could be a model & it wouldn't matter. It's the trill of a new thing he seeks. Him lieing to you from the beginning should have been a sign for you to walk away from him. Ypu have to leave him or be miserable b/c he won't change. I'm sorry.
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