A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I currently share a house with two girls. We’ve known each other for two years and through out those two years we’ve always been best friends. We’ve been through a lot with each other and I’d like to think we’ve there for one another at different points all equal amounts. So when we decided to live together, it seemed like the natural decision to make. Recently something really bad has happened and I need some advice. It’s really stressing me out.About 10 months ago I came out as a gay woman. Both my two best friends are straight. It took me a long time to realise and then accept that I was gay, but having now come out as gay and found a wonderful woman who I am now in a serious relationship with, I am happier than I have ever been. My two best friends were amongst the first people I came out to and they were both supportive. Both said that they didn’t care what I was as long as I was happy and that it didn’t change anything between us. I was thrilled and our friendship continued as normal. In our group of friends there are other gay people – though mainly men – so this perhaps made it easier for them to accept.However about a month ago, I started to feel some tension and differences in our friendship. There’s been a number of things but what I’ve mainly felt is that I am no longer “one of the girls”, because I’m gay, and then because of this I am no longer treat the same. They are still friendly towards me (or rather were until what happened last weekend which I’ll get to) but it stopped feeling the same. Before I came out as gay, I used to love that our friendship meant we could tell each other anything. We’d talk openly about sex and about men and everything – like most women do. It was free of judgement, nobody was embarrassed, and it was all just part of our friendship that we’d ask each other for advice. However, since coming out as gay and entering in to a serious relationship with another woman, I’ve felt as though I am made to feel embarrassed about what I do in the bedroom. When they’ve been talking about their sex lives, if and when I’ve contributed anything about my own, I’m met by awkward glances back and forth between them. There’s the comments too. Like we were in the kitchen and I made a comment about a food being gross and one of my friend said “Yeah, you can talk, you lick other womens fannies.” At first I thought it was a joke and laughed it off, but there has been more and more of these comments in recent weeks and now it doesn’t feel like a joke anymore at all. Whenever we talk about sex, I’m not mine isn’t real sex so doesn’t count. This is really starting to grate on me. What’s more, I feel that I am treat differently because I am gay woman and not a gay man. When one of their gay male friends speaks about sex – a lot more graphically than I ever have about my sex life – it’s apparently ok. But if I mention anything to do with mine, it’s not. It’s as if the gay male friends are only acceptable to them because they are like some sort of fashion accessory. In the last couple of weeks I’ve felt more and more uncomfortable about the situation, feeling as though they are both talking about me behind my back, and talking about my relationship and my girlfriend too. However, I dismissed this in my head and told myself I was being paranoid.Then last weekend I got the confirmation that they had indeed been talking about me. We were all in the house and I’d gone to bed early and they had stayed downstairs with some friends of theirs – including one of the gay men. I woke up hearing loud voices and then realised the loud voices were theirs, and they were talking about me.The list of things they said went on and on. I listened for about an hour. Most of it was about my girlfriend and I. They said some things which although were not as homophobic as they could have been, still hurt. Even then, I’m not cool with grading homophobia – surely one homophobia is as bad as the next? They said that because my girlfriend and I don’t have “real sex”, it’s not a “real relationship”. This hurt because it’s like implying my relationship with her, because we’re lesbians is less of a relationship than that if I were with a man. They said we were both as desperate as each other. They then went on to bitch about a load of other things, including my Dad who I was very close to and who passed away in April of this year. They said I needed to let go and not talk about him as much, that it was awkward when I mention him. They also said a load of stuff about how odd it was that I was comfortable talking about him. There was other stuff too, general malicious stuff saying I was an idiot, that I didn’t care about people, basically snippy bitching. But what hurt most were the comments about my girlfriend and I not having a real relationship because we couldn’t have “real sex” and the comments about my dead Dad. I confronted both of them about it and it was clear they didn’t know I had been listening. They apologised and said they were drunk and where as I understand when you are drunk sometimes things come out wrong, I can’t shake the feeling that I had my suspicions about exactly this long before I caught them.. Part of me feels they are only sorry they got caught.I’d like to think I’m a pretty forgiving person, but I’m not sure I can forget and forgive on this one. The things they said, aside from the homophobic comments, were hurtful and personal and they came from somewhere. Words like that don’t just come out of thin air. Then there’s the homophobic stuff – I shouldn’t have to be friends with people who aren’t ok with me being gay. I have friends who are ok with me being gay and don’t think any less of my relationship because I’m with a woman. My mum says she’s never seen me so happy. As much as I want to forget their comments, I can’t. I feel there is no going back. They went too far. I’ve asked them so many times in the last month if there’s something wrong because I could feel the tension and they kept telling me I was paranoid, when all along I’ve clearly been right.I have to live with these people till August. Any advice? I’m willing to be civil, but is there a way I can be civil and polite without letting them think we’re going to be friends after all this. I am really hurt and upset. They’ve hurt my feelings, offended my girlfriend and seem to have a problem with me being a gay woman. Help?
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, lesbian, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, blue skies  +, writes (25 November 2010):
Hey there
I read your post and I could totally put myself into you position.
I feel for you because being hurt in that way over a long period of time by people you care about is very painful.
I was very happy to read though that you don't want to stay friends with them. What they did was disrespectful and comes in NO way close to how friends should treat you.
It is your duty to have enough respect for yourself to not let people do this to you!
I know what I am talking about since I had to end a life long friendship as well recently.
I loved her to bits and pieces and could never have imagined a life without her. Things were becoming bad between us and the more I tried to save the friendship the less she treated me with love and respect.
I held on to it for so long, too long, for old times sake and the unwillingness to let such agood thing go.
This week I finally did and it felt incredibly good.
If you ever feel you want to talk to someone about your situation just feel free to PM me.
Take care
A
female
reader, Sissy 1992  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 I am Bi Sexual and I am proud of who I am just like you should be proud of who you are... No matter what your friends think they cant change you and you should be proud of who you are... Just go day by day... Talk to your girlfriend about it...
...............................
A
male
reader, alternaterealities +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Some of my best friends are lesbians. We've chatted about sex, but it's not something I really want to hear about anymore than they want to hear about the nasties I do in my bedroom. You have to understand I can talk about dicks till the cows come home.... but um, would you want to have that convo with me? I had a hard time understanding lesbian sex eons ago when I came out. i asked questions. I got visuals. I learned don't gargle with the brown listerine before oral sex or she'll tingle. Never nead to really dwell on it again. Doesn't mean I don't love my friends and want them to be happy. And coming out is like a new life... your real life. Without meaning to, we can often put this in people's faces. It's not about the coming out. It could be anything. If your best friend got engaged today, in two months if you were having some drinks with other friends you'd all be bitching about her. Not cause you're jealous or hate her or even like her less, you're just sick of hearing about her engagement. Does this make sense?And see with the gay male friends, they have a common sex interest that you don't. It's kind of why lesbians often don't have gay male friends but straight male friends and vice versa. As you age and make friends you'll see this divide, but it's not a means of segreation as much as it is common interests.You'll see. None of this means these people are not and won't be your friends. You're naturally going to be more defensive too. And I don't know all that was said about your dad, but is it possible it was out of concern? We can be unhealthy in ways when we loose people we love. Nothing is worse in life than loosing a parent or someone that was like your parent in my case. There is a time when we need to start to move forward and not cling to our pain and sadness. ANd that is why the people we lost would most want for us to do. Not mourn, but live and enjoy life. And one last piece of advice. living with anyone changes things. My once best friend and I haven't spoken in years after living together. Some people can be friends for life until they live with each other. Be you. Life your life. It's your life, not theirs, and they don't need to be involved in every element of it and vice versa beause you live under the same roof. I used to be obsessed with shopping. I think ever roommate I had at the time wanted to punch me every time I mentioned buying somehting. Something that simple annoyed the crap out of 5 people and I just didn't see it. While you're dealing with a lot of changes and thing, don't forget so are they. I know you're hurt, but this all doesn't mean your friendships have to end. Different maybe. You'll get through till August.
...............................
|
