A
male
age
41-50,
*iceGuyLast313
writes:Hello Everybody! Really need some help here! A few weeks ago I caught my girlfriend flirting with guys online. TWICE! I basically told her it was over. Anyway we broke up and she constantly text me, emailed me, and phoned me to tell me how sorry she was. After about a week we arranged to meet. We spoke and we decided to give it another go. I know I love her. Actually I'm absolutely crazy about her!Anyway we've been back together a couple of weeks and the thing is when I'm not with her I am freaking out! I'm always thinking she is up to no good! She's with another guy. But she isn't. She always phones, and texts. She's always telling me where she is and what she's doing. But I'm thinking is this the right way for her to live? She feels like she has to phone or text and when she doesn't I'm going crazy! Not as in angry. I'm just freaking out inside. Anxious, Agitated! I'm losing sleep over it and everything. And that's not fair on her. I don't want to lose her but at the same time the both of us can't go on living like this! What do I do?! Thanks to everyone in advance for their advice. :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 How was she flirting online? What exactly was she doing?? Was she in private conversations with other guys talking about wanting sex with them, or was she saying things you considered too friendly online?? This is a big question, because I've seen many times when a girl is being what she thinks is simply friendly to people (guys included) and saying something like they look nice, or even using "XOXO" at the end of a post and causes a guy to freak out. And did you catch her twice at the same time, or did you see her once, tell her it bothered you, and she did it again subsequently behind your back?
Either way, disloyalty should never stand in any relationship. Whatever happened, she did something that broke your trust. It sounds like, though, after breaking up, you both patched it back up together.
Luckily for you, she *is* doing the things it takes to restore trust. She checks in, reassures you, and that is admirable. Trust takes a long time to restore when broken.
You do have a responsibility in the trust rebuilding phase. Yes, she broke your trust, but when you decided to take her back, you decided to take part in the trust rebuilding process. This means that every day, you have a choice when you're with her and when you're away. As time goes by, you must actively choose to forgive her and to help build the relationship.
This takes time, because it's easier to nurse the distrust and anxiety, and of course, the situation will come up where in an argument, the temptation to bring up what she did to you and fling it back at her will arise. You must not do this if you want to restore your relationship with her.
Likewise, the anxiety is normal. Remember, she's on your side making sure she is reassuring you. Don't be hypersensitive to her every move, though that temptation is also there. The urge to smother or cling to her or be jealous and accusatory will make things worse.
In the end, if you just can't deal with it and find that no matter your best efforts, you can't ever trust her, then it's best to let her go now and move on. Relationships are built on trust, and while some people can forgive and learn from the event and come out of it with a stronger bond, others can't.
My mom always tells the story about when she and my father were first married. My mom's favorite hobby was to go out dancing. My father always hated dancing, unless it was slow dancing and all that, so my mom decided to go out with the girls. Well, at the disco (this is how old they are...heh), many people dance with each other. My mom was dancing with another guy..harmlessly...it was a fast dance, could have been a square dance for all of the "touching" that didn't go on, but my father saw it and flipped out on my mom. He wouldn't dance with her, but he became insanely jealous that she would so much as dance within 3 feet of another guy. Of course, she didn't mean anything by it, but that was irrelevant to my dad.
I told that story to say this: I don't know the exact nature of your girlfriend's flirting, but I'd be willing to guess that if she is *this* repentant and remorseful over what you saw, then it sounds like she didn't mean to go out and cheat on you. In relationships, some people have different lines of boundaries they are comfortable with. Some women don't want a guy to so much as have female friends and vice versa, or one partner considers porn watching to be cheating, or whatever. I think your girlfriend's heart is yours. I honestly do. Hopefully you both can learn about the other person and become stronger for this.
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