A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Once my fiance had to go to a late emergency meeting at his work. He runs the place. I told him I was going to bed early since I was tired. Before I went to bed I looked out the window and I noticed he was back, outside in front of the house looking over the landscaping that was done. I went to bed anyway. I heard him come inside the house. The next morning I asked when did he get back from the meeting and he said 11:30 pm when it was 9:15 pm that I saw him outside.One night he stayed up late on the computer to 11:30 pm. He had told me he was going to be in bed around 10:00. I asked him the next morning, so when did you get to bed and he was evasive saying he was watching a news program to a little after 10:00 pm. He never really answered me. I am thinking he was on porn sites at that late hour.When we first started dating I asked him about his past relationships. He told me one lady he dated maybe 1 or 3 months. In reality it was a year. I found out from a friend and was told they were friends with benefits.He kept wanting to get a movie that he saw with another ex-girlfriend that he wanted us to see together. I remember him saying at the beginning of the relationship that he saw this movie with "a friend" in a theater. I by that time had figured out that "his friend" was an ex-girlfriend. Many months later, we watched the movie and I asked so where did you see it and he made up a big story that he saw it on a ship when he took a vacation with his parents. He lied. I looked at the ships schedule and the movie was not listed. He forgot what he had told me earlier in the relationship.It's little things like this. It makes me wonder if there are bigger things that are being covered up.Am I overreacting. Does your partner lie to you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): I also don't believe in lying "to get out of trouble", as someone worded it. A lot of times it doesn't work, anyway. I mean, the OP still found out, so did it really pay for him to lie? Furthermore, I would like to say a few things on the topic of porn. I don't like how some people say that with the easy access to online porn, men are going to look. You might as well say that because it's so easy to look at, men shouldn't practice self control. While it may be a true statement that a lot of men will look just because they can, it doesn't mean they SHOULD. I also think it solves nothing to tell a woman to stop making a big deal about it. Don't you think they would if they could? There is no on/off switch for how a person feels. You can't just "get over" your opinion on something. If it was that easy, no one would ever worry about anything again. The deceitful man DOES have a choice. If he thinks she's SO controlling that he feels he has to lie all the time, he could choose not to be with her. I'm also not only talking about porn, it's just a very good example to use. A lie is still a lie, no matter what it's about, and lies are not good for relationships. Especially if a person has trust issues or is a bit paranoid to start with, sneaky behavior and lies are just going to make it worse.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I agree with Eddie, I think he is telling lies because he doesn't feel you would accept some of the things he is doing. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or care about you, he probably just has a few things he'd rather keep to himself.
As much as people tell you that they have complete transparency with their partners, most do not and I think men and women don't see the odd untruth as a problem how many women lie to their partners about how much they really spent on that dress or the beauty salon?)
It does seem that he likes to watch a bit of porn. Everyone has their own ideas if porn is acceptable or not, so it depends if you just think 'Meh, I don't mind' or 'Oh lord it's a massive betrayal'
Thing is, most men are curious and will look if given the chance and the internet is a perfect forum for safe browsing.
The movie thing seems a little extreme, maybe he couldn't remember where or with whom he saw it...what IS extreme is your tenacit in checking with the company that that film wasn't played!!! Yikes!!!
All this said, it's very clear that you don't trust him. Some people would accept these lies as part of him and look at the big picture to see overallhow things were going...other people would react negatively and see his behaviour as unacceptable and would let it cancel out any good that is in the relationship.
If you are going to have a chat to him about this, maybe you should discuss trust and try and get a measure of how much there is between you...because without it, the relationship won't work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): I think you are making it into a big deal. Does it really matter that he went to bed at 10 instead of 11 or whatever?? So what??Maybe he lies about stupid things because you tend to give him grief about a lot of things so he is just trying to avoid you getting upset at him. I mean if he was honest and said yes he was up late watching porn. Then what. You would have gone off at him right? So of course he will lie.Then if he said that woman was an ex girlfriend or FWB or whatever. You would have interrogated him about his past relationship or bring it up against him when you're unhappy about something else . So he figures better you not find out he had an ex.In other words there are reasons people lie. It works for them. Ask yourself are you making it so that his lying works to get him out of trouble?If you can honestly say no then it could be that his previous relationships did and he is messed up as a result.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Hi
Its clear you don't trust him at all, you go to long lengths to check up on what he tells you constantly.
Without that trust you have no solid base for a relationship,you face years of double checking everything he tells you IF you marry him.When somebody lies they are presenting you with a false persona,you can't ever KNOW them properly.
I would re-consider marriage and the engagement.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Do you ever "catch" him and confront him in those lies or do you pretend to believe him?
I also think he is a compulsive liar. Specially because he lies when there is no reason.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Yes, I do think you should be concerned.
I agree, he was probably looking at porn sites when he lied about his time of going to bed. That was my first assumption as well. Most guys do look at pornography and most are going to lie to hide it from you.
I think all partners tell lies to one another. Some are more severe than others. So far, it would appear that your fiancee's white lies aren't that big of a deal, however, it does indicate to me that he doesn't feel 100% comfortable telling you everything in his life.
I think the red flags are out and it might be time to call him on some of his stories. I'd express your concerns to him and ask him why he wasn't truthful. Hopefully you can make him see from your point of view how worried you are. After all, trust is a very important aspect in marriage, and without it, you'll be doomed to a life of wondering what your husband is up to when he has to work late.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2012):
 You are absolutely NOT overreacting.
Those aren't white lies either.
A white lie is, let's say, there are rumors of layoffs where your fiance works, and he's scared he'll lose his job, yet he says to you "Don't worry. Everything's going to be alright".
Your fiance is a compulsive liar. He lies when he doesn't have to. He lies as a way of life. He never needed to lie about these things. Whether or not he dated for a year, was friends with benefits, or where he saw a movie was no cause to lie, because he had no reason to.
The big red flag here is his comfort in lying, his frequency in lying, and the fact that he lies so much that he can't even keep them straight (i.e. seeing a movie on a boat with friends, then changing the story).
If I were you, I wouldn't marry this guy. These things do not clear up after getting married. They only get worse. Trust is a huge thing, and compulsive liars don't stop lying.
You need a guy you don't have to constantly fact check. If you confront him hoping he'll change, he'll just become a better or more evasive liar. Also, compulsive liars tend to be very good at turning things around on the person questioning them.
This, in my opinion, is a dealbreaker. You'll find out that there's more he's lied about.
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