A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First off I will give a little background information about this very complicated situation. I (24 yrs) will call my most recent ex boyfriend Paul(27 yrs) and my other ex boyfriend John (24 yrs). I know this is a little long but it explains my situation as closely as possible so that you can give me advice... please read and respond oh you wise ones!I first met Paul while I was still with my ex boyfriend (john). He was working in a bar and we (john and I) be-friended him at the same time at a bar where he works as a bartender. Paul was very attractive, sweet, very different, and a musician (which i am a sucker for). After a year passed or so I started to take notice of him in a different way after he gave us (john and I) a CD with his music. My relationship with John at that time was dwindling at the end of it's 4 year run... so being so intrigued by this guy I started hitting on him. At first he was unresponsive because he didn't want to hurt John's feelings but I guess he couldn't resist so after a couple of months flirting with each other every time I was at the bar, we hung out one night and we just kissed. Unfortunately there was nothing I could do because I was technically still with John. So Paul and I let it go. He went on tour and we were in and out of contact for about 10 months. We never had sex, just made out, and he kissed and held me like he was in love with me, very passionately. I thought about him all the time and developed stronger feelings for him. Meanwhile I told John about kissing Paul and shortly after we broke up (that was about 10 months ago), but we are still FRIENDS and keep in touch. So here's my current situation that I'm struggling with...Paul and I started talking for real about 8 months ago in September 07. We went out on dates, were together constantly, and I could tell that he was trying to see if he and I could really work, I mean be a couple. I was too. He had been single for a couple of years (supposedly) and I was fresh out of a relationship but we still decided to date anyway. Since he works in a bar and is very attractive, I knew that it would be very different for me to get used to his lifestyle, working at a bar where women are constantly throwing themselves on him, and where he works til 3 or 4 am sometimes. So I decided to I trust him with the bar situation but however, I was a bit suspicious of his ex girlfriend. She would call him constantly, while we were at the movies, at lunch, even in the middle of the night at 4 am (of course he didn't answer). His friends told me she was psycho and unstable. That she had no one and her parents are basically f___ ups and don't care about her, so that Paul is the only thing she had. Most his friends don't enjoy her company and cringe at the sound of her name. I decided to let it go. We got along great and all of his friends loved me. He told me he loved me after we had only been together for 3 weeks and after a month of being together, I slept with him. From the time we met each other to that moment it felt like we had waited almost 3 years to make love. However it lasted only 2 and half months and Paul and I's relationship started to take a hit because he was out all night partying and would call me the next morning saying his phone died and he passed out drunk or something. I still believed him and I'm sure he was telling the truth at the time, but didn't want to deal with it at the time and decided to be by myself. I ended up breaking up with him because I thought I needed time to be alone after jumping into that relationship with him and thought he needed time to calm his partying ways down and hopefully cut communication down with his ex. So we were separated for 2 and a half months and we ran into each other and he started calling me. At first, I was apprehensive about talking to him again but he was persistent and when I finally did start going out with him again, I saw in his eyes how much he still loved me and how much I was really willing to be more understanding and work through anything that the relationship gave us. So we go back together on valentines day. We told each other we loved each other like 30 times a day, he told me that I was the kind of girl that he could introduce to his family. Everything was perfect and this time I fell in love with him. I needed a place to stay between April and July and he offered that I move in with him and his other roommates and so I did. Before that, his mom flew in from Nebraska and I met her, she told him I was stunning and that she couldn't wait for me to meet her husband and even invited us to Nebraska for a couple of weeks in July. She even told me that she could tell that Paul liked me a lot by the way he looked at me and treated me, which was a real surprise for me, I had never been told that by the mother of the guy i was dating. As time passed, I think living together took a toll on our relationship. I was able to see everything first hand, him coming home drunk at 5am or not at all (that happened once)and the constant calls and texts from his ex girlfriend. After a bit I even told him that it made me uncomfortable when she called and asked him if he still wanted to get back with her, and he said no, that he was with me and I was the only one he wanted. I told him that I didn't want them talking anymore and he said he took care of it. So we started to butt heads, I would be upset when he got home really late and he didn't like that I would be. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I just wanted him to be in bed with me. He thought it was because I didn't trust him, so when he would bring that up it made me suspicious. A few days before what I'm about to tell you went down, I decided to look through his text messages. His girlfriend was inquiring that they go to lunch together and he responded with an "ok" and she asked " you aren't bringing the mrs. are you?" and he said "no, just you and I" and she wrote, " I didn't mean to upset you, I just don't want to meet her" . The sight of these texts outraged me and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be that girlfriend who goes through their boyfriends texts, but I was just too suspicious and had to know. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything, so instead I woke him up in the middle of the night and started saying things like "if you want to be single then thats fine, maybe we should just end it now... if you wanna break up thats fine" and of course he didn't know why I was saying all of this, we fell asleep. The next day, when I got home from school I could tell he was a little stand offish, he was upset. He came into the kitchen and was like "what was last night all about? You were trying to get me to break up with you in the middle of the night?" and I said "well do you want to?" and he said "no! If I wanted to I would" and he walked out of the kitchen. I've had finals lately so that day I was extremely tired and I took a nap. He woke me up when he came into the room and was getting dressed, he had a show to play that night, and he was going to meet up with some friends to have a few beers, it was about 6:30pm. I studied til midnight and went down to the bar where he works and where he was playing that night. When I got there, he was literally clearing the bar out with his singing. He was so wasted he couldn't even hit the right strings and vocally he was a mess. He had been drinking for almost 7 hours. I stayed for an hour and came 1:45am I decided to leave. He was still on stage but there was hardly anyone there and he said " you're leaving? Are you gonna wait for me?" and I said "well if you come now, I've gotta get up at 5 to study for a final" and he said "well it'll take a while to get all this equipment set up to go if your willing to wait" so I said, "just take a cab and I'll see you at home" I was a bit upset and was about to walk off, and he said "youre not gonna leave without kissing me are you?" and i kissed him and it was our last kiss. I went home and I had a bad feeling that something was gonna happen but ignored it and fell asleep. I woke up at 5:30 am and he wasn't home. I tried calling him but his cell was dead and his friend said he was probably at the bar still, if he was too wasted to ride his bike home. My stomach fell. I got dressed and went down to the bar, and sure enough his bike and his ex girlfriends car are the only two cars sitting outside the bar. I started to loose my breath but still I ran around to the door and started banging on the door and I looked through the window and I saw him naked and his ex girlfriend stumbling to get her things together. Im not sure if he saw me, but I know he could hear me, and he didn't answer the door or even chase after me. I was devastated. I went home where we lived together and got my things together, went to school, took my test, came back, packed up what I could, and when I was leaving he showed up and I walked passed him . This happend last monday and he will not leave me alone, I actually ran into him after a concert wednesday night and we fought, literally, I hit him in the face and kicked him in the balls and almost got him arrested. He deserved it. He said that he still cared for his ex girlfriend but that he didn't want to get back with her. BUT my question is: why did he cheat on me with her? if he doesn't want to get back with her? He wants me to forgive him and sends me text messages constantly. Another thing is, I might be pregnant... I am almost two weeks late and I am afraid to take a pregnancy test and find out that I am, during finals then I wouldn't really be able to concentrate on my finals. He wants to know desperately if I am and said before, that he hopes that I am. He said he told his mom about what happened, I don't know... I don't know if I should move on and cut him out of my life completely with out forgiving him like all of my friends are telling me to do, or talk to him and see what happens. The crazy thing is that I can not stop thinking about what has happened. It's a nightmare, I haven't slept for 2 days and I don't know why, but I still love him and care about him even though I told him that I hate him and would never forgive him and that he was a joke and a dead-end bartender loser with nothing going for him. I know it sounds mean to say to someone you love but I was still very hurt when I said those things. Am I dumb to even reconsider him? I don't know what to do. Please, I know this was really long but I would love some input!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): This sounds like a bad situation all the way around. Firstly you need to act more maturely and break up and sever contact. Not to be cold, but it sounds like the relationship is over. You BOTH need to decide what is best to do if you are pregnantYou SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN PHYSICALLY VIOLENT WITH HIM. Kicking a man in the balls is never justified unless he was about to seriously injure you. There is never justification for that. You could have gone to jail for Sexual assault.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 May 2008):
Oh dear, this is a messy situation.
You need to face up to the possibility your are pregnant. Stress can delay periods and with the amount of stress you are under that is quite likely. But you need to know either way so you can start making decisions on what to do, start eating the right things etc etc etc.
I think your friends are right that you should leave this guy, if only for a while.
He drinks far too much, and working in a bar is not an excuse for that. He agreed that he would cut contact with his ex but then met up for lunch with her and then got naked with her. Then he got violent. (Although you did too which is not a good thing to do.)
I really think you could do better for yourself and your baby if you have one.
If you split up with him now then it may be the wake up call he needs and he might just clean up his act. You can always tell him that once he has cut contact with the ex, stopped drinking completely and stayed off it for 3 months, started looking for a better job and generally been a lot more reliable, then you'll consider taking him back.
What ever you do, you have to put yourself and the baby first. Listen to your friends and work hard at college so you can get the best future you can get.
Good Luck!! xx
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