A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I am a little confused at the moment and am not sure what my feelings mean! Please help.9 years back I opted for a traditional marriage with a cousin from India (I'm from the UK). Before we were married he said he had business partners that would set him up in the UK. However, after getting his visa to the UK (after marriage), his business partners had dropped out (I believe him). Also, he said that his family had a loan of 8K that they expected him to pay (despite them having a family business). On coming to the UK, my husband refused to live with me in my city as he preferred London and said that living in rented accommodation for him wasn't appropriate. He ended up living with my parents for a year while I lived away as I had an established career. He spent most of this time unemployed but did manage to get a job which he soon lost because he decided to go back to his home country for 2 months. While he was away he said that he wanted to stay on for a year to try this business thing again, but we argued about it so he ended up coming back.To try and get him to live with me, I bought a house. He soon came to live and got a job but complained how I had ruined his chances of a brill career. I paid for everything for this house (over £1K a month), I did 90% of the cooking, cleaning and shopping while my husband only paid me £200 plus money for half of the food. He sent the remainder of his salary to his family. We argued about this A LOT. He wanted children but wasn't keen to pay a penny. He hardly spent time with me, and would mostly watch TV, sleep or pray. I grew depressed and suicidal.Four years later, I was made redundant. at the same time, my husband got kicked out of his job (an argument). I went and lived with my parents but didn't want him to rely on them so got him to live with his sister also in London (on her couch). I decided to do a PhD but only got one out of town. I had to move away but he stayed on in London. I would visit bi-weekly (my parents) as my husband, who ended up getting a good job, thought it cheaper to stay on his sisters couch and send his salary to his family. A year into my studies, my husband decided to go back home for 6 weeks. This turned into 2 years. He was given the opportunity to do this business thing again but his family told him not to. He returned to the the UK weeks before his UK visa ran out. He came back just as I was finishing my PhD. Me at my parents, him on his sisters couch again. I asked about us buying a place in the future but was told that I would have to do this on my own and pay my own mortgage. I talked about renting but he said that we could rent a room, but not a flat. Also, saving up was a no-go.I grew frustrated and it occurred to me that I was being used by him and his family, so I plucked up the courage and asked for a divorce. He is refusing at the moment. His family want him to take me out and sort my head out and are claiming that I have a good thing going on and have no idea what I'm talking about. They also claim that they have never had a clue that I've been looking after myself for 9 years.I am being accused of being selfish and someone who is only interested in money. I care for my husband but I know that I don't love him. i seem to have convinced myself that nothing was real. It makes me upset and I realise that what I am doing is right, but then I tell myself that I am needlessly hurting him. Confused.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (17 February 2015):
 You are *definitely* doing the right thing! He's been using you and it seems he has no financial sense.
If you are from the UK and he is from India:
- why did you want to do a "traditional" marriage?
- had you spent much time in person before this marriage?
- did you ever love him as a boyfriend (not cousin)?
- was it arranged by family or did you choose to?
- did/do you want to marry for love?
- what did you want to gain from marriage?
Personally, since it's not my culture, I disagree with marrying family members who have a family title (whether blood related or not) - yet, I respect that others may do so because of the expectations within their culture. I do wonder why you chose (*if* you chose) to marry a cousin and not an Indian man more local to you? That's if you were brought up "old school" and want/"need" to marry an Indian man.
Excluding the culture you haven't told us much about, this man did nothing for you, was very selfish, controlling, argumentative, demanding and, quite frankly, a terrible husband. You deserve someone who loves you, wants to work equally with you to pay bills and buy/rent a house, build savings together, plan a future together and who makes you happy. This cousin is not that guy. I'm not sure what you need to do to get a divorce without him cooperating, but I strongly suggest looking into it and getting it done, as well as not paying for him any more. Good luck :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 February 2015):
 How on EARTH did you last 9 years of marriage with this .... BRATTY man-child?
If you want a house, YOU have to buy it? What? If you both work, WHY are you taking care of 90% of the costs and duties?
I know arranged marriages are different, but honey, I'd been out the door a LONG time ago if my husband was ANYthing like yours.
...............................
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