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female
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anonymous
writes: I am close friends with a guy. He said he was going into city on his day off. He said he was going there to ‘sort some stuff out’. What does he mean by this? I’m sure he hasn’t got another girl because he is still hung up on his ex girlfriend and he has only gone to this city once before in the last 6 months that I know of. He said he had to be near to a certain place in this city when he goes but there is nothing there that I can think of. I could have accepted it if he said that he had an appointment but ‘sort some stuff out’ sounds somehow more sinister.(You may gather I really like him (and he does me), but because of the situation with his ex, we kinda thought it best to just be friends for now). I have to mention before you judge him that he has an undiagnosed learning difficulty which has a huge bearing on his erratic behaviour.On one occasion he dropped me off quite late outside his house saying he was going in to eat his dinner and then go to bed, but 5 minutes later I saw him getting into his car!!!The other night when I saw him I thought how sweet it was that he decided to come out with me instead of going out clubbing with his mates (he said he was tired so didn’t want to go out with them). Then when I saw him the other night he said he had been out clubbing with his mates after he dropped me off after all. The thought pops into my mind now and again that he is hiding things from me, but he is extremely indecisive, changes his mind every 5 minutes and has to be on the go almost all the time so wonder if that is all it is. It’s just that I assume when we go to our homes late at night he’ll go to bed!!! I tend to forget he’s younger than me and will want to go out.Anyway, he recently told me after we had kissed (heat of the moment thing which he stopped) and I told him that I had been dating other guys (well I can’t wait for him forever!) that he really liked me and that he was really worried he was going to lose me to another guy while he got over his ex. I am worried though that my friend thinks that because I have been dating other guys it means I am not as serious about him as he may have thought (which isn’t true) which is why he seems to have withdrawn lately. He told me he has completely lost his sex drive (we have cuddled in the past) since he split up with his ex, but even as a friend he doesn’t even give me a hug or peck on the cheek anymore. All physical contact has gone. He made a comment about a pretty girl that walked past us the other night and he said at the club he was approached by a girl who wanted his number but he found out she was underage so nothing happened. Nothing wrong in that because he didn’t act on either of them, but I don’t know if he is telling me this as he would a friend, trying to spur me into action to pursue him or make me jealous or what??? . Another example of his changeability is that he had been going on about this holiday he wanted to go on (and I keep being told he is dropping hints to me to go with him) then he said he wasn’t going, now he tells me 2 weeks later he is going after all and the hints start coming again. I know I am pointing out things that I perceive to be negative but I am nuts about him. There are many things that I love about him. He is unlike any guy I have ever met. He is the only guy I have ever felt I can be myself around, he is fun, a gentleman, etc. I am very worried that he is depressed at the moment. He said he drives himself nuts with the way that he is - he said he wished he had never been born, and all kinds of dark things because this undiagnosed learning difficulty makes his behaviour so erratic. It seems to control him rather than the other way around.I know I have trust issues too, but I don’t know where they stem from because none of my previous boyfriends have been unfaithful to me and my friend was never unfaithful to his ex that I know of and he doesn’t do one night stands.I don’t think he realises the impact his behaviour has on other people and he would be mortified if he knew.We aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, although we want to be, but it feels like we are sometimes!!!So, what is going on here guys and how do I deal with it?
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clubbing, depressed, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, one night stand, sex drive, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): I would be very wary of him, he sounds to me as though he could be a player???
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): You need to decide if you are okay with his his learning difficulty and you must also be able to determine when it is his learning difficulty or if he is being dishonest with you.
It is very apparent you have trust issues as you are coming across as a jealous girlfriend and it is not the case now is it?
You either make it legit or you cut it off.
Since you are emotionally attached to this young man; the best way to cut it off is to inform him clearly that you can not longer wait for him and that you are moving on and then DO IT.
You will get no peace until you make a decision.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (18 July 2006):
 Hi there,
First, I have to point out that his being erratic and impulsive is who he is really and you have to decide whether you can cope with that if you two decide to date much later. This is a bearing in your relationship now that is clear for you to see and you alone can determine if this aspect of his behaviour is acceptable to you or not and how far this factor can play in both your plans and future decisions.That's is what dating is all about to see if you are compartible.Nowbody can express that for you it has to be based on what you know you can handle.
Second, you have mentioned to him before as indicated from your posting that you have started dating becos of his inability to give you what you want. That to me should have been a turning point for him if he doesnt wish to loose you.I think for now this guy isnt ready to get serious. Perhaps he still hasnt moved on from his ex as he says. Whether you want to wait or not should depend on you really.
Third,If he is impulsive and changes his mind as you say, then i think it is best for you to allow him make the decison himself whether or not he wants to date you whenever he is ready. If you push hard you might get hurt because the decision might not be a stable one. so it might be best to allow him set his own pace.
Finally, i can see that your friend needs a lot of support since he has a lot of issues. I would advise you to be there for him for now. Who knows that stem of friendship might be what needs to break through and allow him to move on from his ex and most importantly sort out oher aspects of his life. whether or not he moves on with you just know you were a big help to him in so many ways.
Take care dear
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