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female
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anonymous
writes: How do I let a guy know that I don’t want to pursue a relationship with him without getting caught up in cliches or hurting his feelings too much? We’ve been on one date and are going out again this week. He thinks it is a date but it is actually to tell him I only want to be friends with him (well I wasn’t going to do it by phone or text, that’s just cowardly!). He wanted to jump straight into a relationship as soon as he saw me, and he recognises that he is pushy, but I can’t do that; I need to be friends with someone first. I told him this. However, he has been buying me gifts and he always pays me compliments which makes it all the more difficult. He's giving me another gift when we meet up this week but I am going to feel really awkward accepting it. Should I? I am finding it all abit full-on, overwhelming and it’s turning me off. I actually think he is doing all this to make my life more difficult to break it off with him. After all, I did tell him I couldn’t promise him anything and I needed time to decide.I know he would treat me really well and he can be really sweet but there are so many barriers - he is 15 years older than me (me 30, him 45) which is a problem to me because I want kids (my friend’s father was 48 when she was born and he died when she was 20 odd. She was devoted to her father and always feared he would die when she was relatively young so when it happened....), he is divorced with 3 kids from mid teens to early 20’s (I don’t think I am strong enough to cope with that and also I think I would get on better with them than with him!!!), we live miles away from each other, we seem to have so little in common (he dissed alot of things that I like without realising it), he is rich and I am v poor and I can’t help but think that it would be like going out with my father as I am a very young 30!!!! We are so different that I wonder what he sees in me. Also, I’m not sure I could be physical with him because I am not attracted to him in that way. He's way too smooth for me!! People keep telling me to give it time but I think they are seeing the fact that he has money and he would take me out of my poverty, but it isn’t money that does it for me.You’re probably thinking why on earth did I go on a date with him? Well, I’ve spent years refusing dates from guys on the basis of whether they are physically the type I would go for and I realised that I can’t base things on looks anymore because they fade, so I thought I would give this guy a chance, but I can’t get over the fact that looks are, to a degree, important. Do you agree?Anyway, there is another guy who I am interested in getting to know; a friend i’ve known for years. We finally kissed the day after I went on this date.So, what do I tell the date guy? Truth is I want to be friends with him and no more. (My feelings for him could grow but I can’t tell him that as that would give him false hope - don’t you agree?) I have been trying to deny my feelings for this friend I kissed (long story!|) but it hasn’t worked; it’s the truth, so do you think it’s OK to say that?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 July 2006):
 It's unlikely, given all that he's doing in trying to woo you, that you can be friends with him, so you might have to just give that up as an unattainable dream.
Be truthful with him, and tell him soon. Something like this:
"Jim, I told you when we first met that I wanted to get to know you as a friend before I could even consider getting involved.
"Now that we've gone out as friends a few times, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by all your attention. I'm not ready for this. I'm flattered, but I have to be honest with you. I like you as a friend, but there are too many differences. I'd never want to hurt your feelings, but we're not going to work as a couple, so I don't think we should go out any longer."
Refrain from mentioning that you're attracted to someone else!
You can only be steamrollered by this fellow if you allow yourself to be steamrollered, so you need to be strong and speak your piece. I'd even suggest that you meet him and cancel the date before it happens. Let's face it; you know you're not interested and it's unfair to get his hopes up.
Your friends might think he's hot stuff, but the fact remains that you don't. Yours is the opinion that counts, so listen to your own heart with this.
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