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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I need help I cant trust men at all...My real father would beat my mother and he cheated on my mom and left us,I always had BAD relationships with men and I was cheated on by a ex a yr ago when I was 17 and he lied to me a lot and bullied me. I need help and answers im currently with a great guy hes my fiance and because of my past im so screwed up! do I need therapy? I want my trust issues to go away! When I was in 8th grade my teacher took interest in me and told the school I liked him and told everyone that I was stalking him when I wasn't he had a wife who worked there and he would do things that were very uncalled for,I havent had the best life my mom and step dad abused me and ended up arrested my mom hide my real dad from me all these yrs when i had a feeling he was out there cuz i dont look like my step dad and my step dad would act diffrently to me than he did to his biological daughter my lil sister "Amy*" who is 13 now. I tried to have a relationship with my REAL dad but he plays games with me he denys me then says he wants to see me and spend time with me...I want to feel like I can trust men! plz help me
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 June 2011):
Hello again. What you appear to be feeling now, is that this is all too good to be true. And so you are living your life in this relationship, somehow expecting something to go wrong at any minute.
Remember the "Law Of Attraction". What this means is, what you focus on most, (negative or positive), you bring more of that into your life.
So as a result of this type of thinking, your thoughts go something like this - "This is going great at the moment, but how long will it last?"
And that's when all the memories of the past start creeping back into your mind, reminding you of those previous bad relationships.
It's a kind of self-sabotage, you might say.
And it's these lingering doubts that are getting in the way and consequently causing all the arguments you say you are having. And all for no good reason!
The past is the past and you cannot change history.
So no point in even thinking about it.
That was then, this is now.
If you are happy with this new man - who is also your fiance - and he has done nothing wrong to cause you to have doubts in him, well then that's fantastic.
Just love him and accept him for who is, and know that he is NOT like any of the other guys you previously had relationships with, and he's very unlikely to ever be like them.
So as I was saying before, completely trust him - unless he ever gives you reason not to.
Put all the energy you were using in doubts, and focus instead on how good this relationship is and just enjoy his company and get to know him even better and have fun.
Expect only the best in life and that is what you will get.
So what I'm really saying here is, to focus ONLY on what is good and the happiness he gives you and how appreciative of him that you are, and show him that you appreciate who he is. And above all, let him know that you do absolutely trust him. He does need to know this.
In all relationships, both people need to know that they are totally accepted by the other - unconditionally.
If he thinks that you constantly have doubts in him and don't entirely trust him, he might end up doing a runner.
And you don't want that.
You have a good relationship, so don't spoil it now by questioning everything that happens and wondering if it's going to last or whether he's going to do something wrong.
You are in a good place now, and you want to stay there. And there's no reason why you shouldn't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You guys for the advice, I will just come out and say I asked the question. I was embarrassed at first so I put anonymous. So it's not true that ALL men cheat and look at porn and that ALL men check out other girls? I have a great man! like seriously a great fiance but my past is causing fights now.......
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (27 June 2011):
You have to try and remember that each person is different and every new person you meet needs to be given a chance and have a clean slate.In this case, you have a fiance and must be happy with him to have got engaged. What you don't want to do is risk throwing away a decent guy because of the past.The past is the past and you cannot change that, but you can control the future. As yourself why have you got engaged? He must be doing something right.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 June 2011):
Hi there. You do need to trust again.
My advice is to trust your fiance completely, unless he ever gives you reason not to.
All men are not the same, you need to know that.
Don't allow yourself to be mistreated or taken for granted by anyone, just don't accept that kind of nonsense.
If anyone ever does try to treat you badly in some way, give them their marching orders! And tell them why, so they know.
Expect only the best in life for yourself, and accept only the best and nothing less.
As someone once said - "Stop accepting crap and demand more" from the people in your life.
You deserve better. Know that that's the truth.
Those people in your life who previously mistreated you, you can't change the way they are. But at the same time, you do not have to accept it either.
If your biological father is indifferent towards you, well then that's his loss - not yours.
If you live this way in future, and love and respect yourself unconditionally, people will treat you that way too.
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